Life...

Sometimes. I'm just scared. just worried. Uncertain and unsure about...life...and every confusing and distressing thing about it. The constant battles and arguments that go on inside me head are purely exhausting. And I usually come up with nothing...nothing's clearer. Sometimes I want to call time out. But no. That's not an option. Life doesn't give you time for that.
In the end... God.
In the end... He cares for me.
In the end... I can give all my cares and worries and fears and troubled thoughts and troubled dreams and confusions to Him..... Why do I choose to be troubled?

Sunday Gleanings...

"The way to live the crucified life - the life that is dead to sin and alive to God - is to love God. To truly love is to deny self. When we get up in the morning our objective should not be to kill self, but rather to love Jesus. Love makes self disappear. Seeking to kill self is still keeping self in focus. We have to keep Jesus in focus. As we fall in love with Him - we will walk in victory. "


Let's praise God for what He's doing, even we don't understand. -James Lucas


"If you're not walking after the spirit, you are walking after the flesh.
Viewing ourselves as unable to sin is a problem - viewing ourselves as total sinners is a problem too. We don't need to live on side or the other- we need to live in Christ. We don't need to live as hypocrites or sinners, we need to live as new creatures in Christ."

Sundays...

Actually, today was a pretty good day. Even though my beauty rest was rudely interrupted by a screaming child at 5-something. :)
Yesterday I bought a black dress and red high heels. That makes it sound way more exciting than they actually are but, hey, it's always fun to have something new to wear. ;) I fixed my hair up like I was getting married, put on my favorite earrings and headed out the door.... only to find a blizzard awaited me. Streeeeeesssss.
Made it to Bend. Alive. Haha...
Fellowship was great. So refreshing and encouraging. James and Fran Lucas were there. I love them. You know when you really love someone and you don't know if you should show that you really do because maybe they don't feel that way and they'll think you're weird...? Maybe it's just me. ;) I love it though when you find out they love you too. James gave me a big hug, held my hand and told me how special my family is to him. Super sweet. Fran invited us to lunch. We went to a pancake house with them, Web Loy, Tory Rockwood and a couple others. It was such a sweet time!
Hannah and I strolled around the Old Mill district. We were, once again, asked if we were twins. ;)
Survived a treacherous drive home. Got stuck on an icy hill and had someone drive us home. Haha... Oh my life.
Watched YouTube videos and ate microwave chocolate cake in a mug with my sister.
All-in-all... I'm glad to be here.
Now. For some sleep... Just hoping the baby doesn't keep us up again... ugh.

Why is it that nothing in my life ever comes gradually? I always seem to be surprising myself! ;) And so, in a really hectic/fast paced way, a job opened up for me here in Redmond, OR, and... here I am! For awhile I guess.
Started work on Monday. So far, so good. I have been so busy. The last few days have just flown by. I am thinking it will take awhile to get settled in and get a routine going but, I am just thankful to have work! Nothing too glamorous... Cooking/cleaning/helping with the baby, but hey, at least it's work I'm familiar with! ;) Plus, bonus, I can "go to work" in my pajamas! :)
I am afraid I am going to get very homesick and lonely. I already miss my family like crazy. Hannah's here with me for the first part. I am so thankful for that! I just hope I don't end up super bored... my family is pretty fun to be around. They're hard to beat!

We do not need to define ourselves based on our failures or our successes, by our losses or our victories. We need only be defined by Christ, and who we are/where we stand in Him. If we add up the total of our actions they amount to less than nothing. Why do we needlessly stay there? So you messed up. Why are you surprised? You, living and acting in your own strength are going to live an entire life of nothing but mess ups...this is why we so desperately need Jesus... When will we realize how wretched and miserable we are without Him? Let past failures drive you to Him. Not to despair or hopelessness.

Sometimes people can say things that cause so much pain, and they are totally unaware of it. But it hurts nevertheless. It's not even so much what they said, it's more how about how it made you remember something that was already hurting.
I want to learn contentment right here. right now. I want to find joy in Jesus...*regardless* of all the voices that tell me I can't be happy until this happens or that changes or until this stops hurting.. No. In today. In the moment when I am hurting the most, I want to be able to acknowledge that my joy is IN HIM. Not in my present circumstances or struggles. The truth is that we can be victorious through Him. We do not have to wallow in self-pity, remorse, regrets, defeats or sadness. As Tozer put it, "We can well afford to make God our all, to concentrate, to sacrifice the many for the One."
Most days I could readily agree with that statement... but I certainly to not live as though I believed it. The truth is, I feel sorry for myself. I dwell on what makes me unhappy, rather than finding ALL my joy in Him.

I am re-reading 'The Pursuit of God' (A.W.Tozer). I have been slowly reading through it and find myself wanting to share quote after quote. I love this book. It is so simple, so profound. I personally think you should probably just read it... see what you think. :)

When I am finally being brought to the conclusion that I know nothing, understand nothing, can accomplish nothing, am nothing. As I begin to see more and more my own failure and weakness and sinfulness....
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10 KJV)

My son, keep thy father's commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother: Bind them continually upon thine heart, and tie them about thy neck. When thou goest, it shall lead thee; when thou sleepest, it shall keep thee; and when thou awakest, it shall talk with thee. For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life: (Proverbs 6:20-23 KJV)

Me: " I wanna look like that when I grow up!!!!"
Hannah: " You ARE grown up."
Me: " DAAANG IT!"
Hannah: "Yeah. You failed."
Lol....

http://youtu.be/JdCYD4z_vjA

And after my thoughts have spun around in the same vicious circle for the hundredth time and I still come up empty handed... I can only come back to HIM, and say, "Though He slay me...yet will I trust Him."
After I have thrown out all my anger, frustration, confusion and pain at Him, there He stands ever patient, ever true, ever loving, ever kind...the only stable place I can stand.

http://youtu.be/iZQzk3Feq2M

http://youtu.be/5eKJ8FkImqM

http://youtu.be/FqIJnD2rJh4

It's just one of those days where you hate mirrors, and you put makeup on for absolutely no reason just to try a d make yourself feel better...;)

It has been a rainy day.
I went for a run in a little drizzle. Went for a bike ride in a downpour. :)
We came home drenched and cold and tired and laughing.
After a hot shower and a hot drink... here I am snuggled up in a blanket, warm and dry.
Sadness is a strange thing. Life wouldn't be itself without it. But I find it strange that we so often forget it is there, we are alive, we laugh, we enjoy things and then...there is the remembrance, and then there is sadness. It seems to come out of nowhere. But, in reality, it is always there.
Sometimes I wonder about me. Wonder who/what I really am. One minute I am so sure that I am doing what is right, the next I wonder if I am a coward. I can talk so big, plan out an argument... and those always seem to fall apart. I hate always second guessing. I hate the fear of wondering what I will look back on and regret. Things I can never change, never redo. I am afraid of one day looking back and seeing what I have lost, of seeing what I could have gained. I hate my own lack of wisdom and foresight. I wish so often that I could just see. Just see the next step. Just know that the things I am choosing to do/not do right now won't be things that I will regret. And there seems to be no way of knowing. I do not trust myself, or my understanding. Everything is so confusing. And I am fearful of the impact my decisions will have on others. I hope to do what is right for them. I hope that I am not behaving selfishly. But I never know.... Perhaps if I felt confidently that I was always hearing HIS voice correctly I would not be so fearful..

I am really happy to be back in Oregon. I am loving how green and wet everything is. A far cry from Wyoming.
I ran this morning. It's been too long. It felt so nice to be outside moving.
These Booher kids are too fun. I can't keep my heart from melting with little 3 year old Ellie. Especially when she declares to her sister, "I'm in love with Caley!" I really like little kids. :)
Helped John in the shop today. Actually really enjoyed the work.
And, for today, such is life. Now. Tomorrow? :)

Driving past the Portland airport, Hey! I was there almost exactly 6 months ago! And here I am in Portland again. It seems impossible that that was really that long ago....
My lifelong friend has been married for 6 months already?

" What shines forth and reveals God in your life is not your relative consistency to an idea of what a saint should be, but your genuine, living relationship with Jesus Christ and your unrestrained devotion to Him.... I am called to live in such a perfect relationship with God that my life produces a yearning for God in the lives of others, not admiration for myself."
-O. Chambers

Life is such a crazy thing. And getting increasingly crazier.
It's funny how quickly time goes by. How quickly things happen. How quickly things change.
Sometimes I just have these "dawning moments", where suddenly all the rushing of my life is stopped and I'm forced to stop and consider. Stop and look back. Stop and think about who I am, where I'm at physically/spiritually/as a person.
Stop and consider events or circumstances or people that have/are affected/affecting me.. made me who I
am, changed my heart or my direction.
I woke up this morning in Post Falls, ID and am now traveling back to Oregon. Strange. My home is in Wyoming. Stranger. Relationships have changed. Friendships have changed. I am not who I once was or who I think I should be. I am me. Whatever that is. Good or bad? Beautiful or ugly? Whatever. It doesn't matter so much. I just am myself.
Things that used to matter so much.just.dont.anymore.
I am who I never imagined myself being. And it is laughable!
Here I am, at the bottom, like everyone else. Finally seeing the failure I have always been, but have always failed to realize. And finding that there is hope for us. That we are not forsaken. Not alone.
That no matter how far we may be from what we think we should be, He is able.and willing.and continually loving us.
I may give up, I may fail miserably, but Him? Never.

Endlessly.

On a long bus ride from Boise to Spokane. (Why is it that I am constantly ending up in Spokane btw?)
Listening to music, and I keep noticing these words: always, only, forever, endless, never, never ending ... and so on...
But then, life. and reality. So? Where is this endlessness that we are always singing about?
In my world love, it comes and goes, begins and ends, ceases, fails...gives up...
Where is that love that never gives up?
Once again, here I am going, "Yeah, of course, that kind of love... well, that is only in HIM."
Why do we keep trying to find it in ourselves or in others.. apart from Him? who alone is always.only.forever.endless.never changing ....

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was pretty much amazing. I haven't been quite so happy in a long time. Having the Van Zyl's up was so. refreshing. Top 10 of Thanksgiving?
1- Friends, people who are like family, people who you think, "Wow! I can't believe I actually feel comfortable saying this or doing that in front of them!"
2-Games- feels so good to laugh!
3-Late night talks- Loving those times when you can be really honest and open about yourself and about where you're at, and you find out you're not alone. :)
4- Coffee- oh lots of coffee. And people to share it with who enjoy it as much as you.
5-Cheesecake- turtle cheesecake to be exact. :)
6- Scaring ourselves playing hide-and-go-seek in a dark house...(moms idea)
7-French. Truffles.
8- Having most of the dishes done for me. Yes please!
9- Egg nog, plain, in coffee, in pie....
10- Family, I learn to adore these people more everyday.

"Can You overcome this heart that is overcome?" -David Crowder Band

Anything we feel we have to fight for, have to desperately hold on to, have to guard... these are the things we have obviously not truly entrusted to God. Struggling is not resting. Fighting is not trusting. We need to be willing to truly trust God with anything that is important to us... and if we truly trust Him with it, well, then He can do with it as He pleases and we will not question Him or complain or be troubled about it. We will cease fighting for it and be willing to take it or leave it as He leads.

Confession: I am definitely an over thinker. I am convinced that nothing in life is as simple as it should be. I appreciate those amazing people who have the most profound answers to my overly-thought-about, overly-complicated problems. Those people who respond and it's like, "Duh. Of course. Why didn't I think of that?" It's nothing... super profound. Just the simple truth.

Thinking of the people in my life whose lives have influenced me to desire to know God.....Wishing I was more like them in affecting the lives of the people I know.
It would be nice to be a good influence to people....a help, rather than a hindrance.
The biggest question for me? What in the world does a person like that even look like?

That realization that there's nothing special about yourself. Nothing that makes you different or more special than anybody else.

Going to visit John in Oregon with my dear friend/sister Hannah. So. Excited. Actually... I'm so excited... it doesn't seem real.
Also traveling to Boise for a few days.
Yay for something to do/somewhere to go!

Aaaaand... another quote :P

"It is a common temptation of satan to make us give up reading of the Word and prayer when our enjoyment is gone; as if it were no use to read the Scriptures when we do no enjoy them, and as if it were of no use to pray when we have no spirit of prayer. While the truth is, in order to enjoy the Word, we ought to continue to read it, and the way to receive a spirit of prayer is to continue praying; for the less we read the Word of God, the less we desire to read it, and the less we pray, the less we desire to pray."
~ George Mueller

Sitting here tonight by the fire. Isaac comes and sits opposite of me, looks at me and says, "You like me... don't you?" I replied, " Yes, but how could you tell?" He grins and says, "Because you smile at me every time." Hmmm... I didn't even know I did. :)
And so we are sitting here, while he sings a song to me about being "the sweetest little grown up girl". He's drinking his milk like a cat and trying to read the words on the stove and trying to convince me to let him melt one of his Legos. Haha... I think I'll just sit back and enjoy watching him while I drink my coffee.
#sweetmomentsinlife

What would I do without Johnny...?
#lovelatenighttalkswiththebrother

Such a sweet song... :)

One if life's lessons: clarity comes with times.
We are so keen on having the answer now. But it never seems to work that way... God apparently is not on our time schedule.
I am really thankful to finally be gaining clarity/ understanding concerning some things in my life that have seemed particularly confusing.
I am learning that, the answer does come with certainty and clarity, but it doesn't usually come just when we expect it to.
And so, we have nothing to do but rest and patiently wait to see what God will do.

Why is it often the most obvious things that I find the most obscure?
I had to laugh at myself... Over the last couple months I have been learning what love really is. And that (as is made glaringly obvious in 1 Corinthians 13), the Christian life really just comes down to love. Seems simple. Almost too simple. ;). So... following Christ is not about rules? not about regulations? not about the manner in which we speak or dress or conduct our families? not about bible reading or prayer? Not about evangelism or missions? Those things are not the point? Hard for me to grasp. Really hard. It's about love? About being so in love with Jesus that all of those things just... happen? I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. He's interested in me loving him... not doing/performing/serving Him?
At this point, I can only acknowledge that I know little of that sort if love for Jesus. I know only a selfish sort of love that simply recognizes how desperately I need Him, but I have yet to experience that love that desires Him, for just Himself.
Today I thought to myself, "I should read a book about something... good". Of course, that is the obvious thing to do when you feel spiritually dry, right? ;). A book can solve all your problems. Then I thought, "I should read a book about loving Jesus..." Then it came to me. The Bible. Duh! hehe...
Then I thought back to a time in the past when I was a much better person. More spiritual. More righteous. More holy. More serious about the Lord. I have been lamenting that that person just doesn't seem to exist anymore. I read lots of books during that time. But, when I thought about it...the majority of them were about... things. issues. not about Him.
How many books have I read about prayer , about missions, about modesty, about politics, about relationships, about holiness, about dating vs. courting, about commitment, about being more serious about following God... but how few about just Him?
Is it true that my objective is not to make myself more pleasing to Him? Is it true that, because I am in Him, it is not possible that I could please Him more? Is it true that, even though I feel despicable about myself right now, He loves me just the same as when I felt I was doing well?
I don't know how to get it.. or what it looks like, but I want to love God like that.
#desiringtofallinlovewithjesus

Feeling vintage... and bored.. ;)

"We are often more concerned about what we should be *doing* for Jesus, rather than simply being *in love* with Jesus." ~ Francis Chan

Am I the only one who attaches sentimental value to clothes? Some clothes just seem more special than others simply because of the memories you made while wearing them.
#weirdquirk

Wow. Today I must look like somebody famous... A little old lady thought I was Annica. Then was very surprised when I said I wasn't. I told her I get told I look like other people. She concluded I must look like a movie star.
Several people smiled and waved like I was a long lost friend.
A weird( and.. not to be mean, but somewhat mentally slow) guy stopped and told me how much he liked my shoes... and my necklace...and then talked to me about his tattoos...and introduced himself to me. And, oh is that a phone or an iPod? ;)
#weirddayinbillings

From my Sister's Perspective

This is an essay Emily wrote with me as her subject. Too fun not to share...;)

"Chipper and brisk, Caley prepares the last meal of the day. She conquers each task with ease. Her hazel and emerald green eyes flashing about as she works. Her long cinnamon brown hair is pulled back in a loose ponytail. Her slender build bending and stretching as she chops veggies and stirs soup. Cheerfully she starts washing her dishes, but keeps a watchful eye on the cooking food. Her black cotton T-shirt is covered
with water and flour. And her dark blue jeans are covered by a black apron. Her feet move about quickly in her cerulean and magenta running shoes. Freckles adorn her darling nose. She laughs and chats as she goes. Finishing up she calls with her bright voice for the family to come and eat."


And this was right before the "yogurt incident" where I got right in the middle of making yogurt only to discover someone had eaten the yogurt that I needed to make more(namely Dad). After reacting with a fair amount of annoyance and frustration, with lots of sighing, groaning and even a little foot stomping, she called me an angry troll and informed me I threw a tantrum like a 2 year old. Hahaha... and her essay sounded so sweet and poetic... Lol
The poor girl was so shocked at mt behavior and couldn't believe I didn't get in trouble... hehehe

Today is my brothers birthday. Wow. 23...everybody's getting so old. I simply and honestly adore him. I couldn't even really say why. I know everything about him. Every fault. Every failure. And, I guess when you really love somebody those things just don't really matter. I simply love him because... I do. No other explanation needed. And, of course, I know every strength and every victory.
In the midst of this constantly changing life... he never changes. I have total confidence he's there for me. I love that. He is my friend, my advisor, the one who listens to all my problems, knows everything about me... makes me laugh, makes me feel better when I'm sad, understands, loves without expectations or demands, knows that if I'm crabby coffee will make it all better, quotes movies with me, makes life fun and exciting and crazy... haha... He's the only one that has the most random cravings, the only one I've ever sat in a Safeway parking lot and poured my heart out with, the only one I've drove backwards through the McDonalds drive-through with...;). I don't know what I'd do without him....

That thy way may be known upon earth, thy saving health among all nations. (Psalm 67:2 KJV)

It's strange thinking about Bangladesh. I sometimes think maybe it isn't really going to happen. At other times, I. am. terrified. knowing that it IS coming. Someone asked me if I "felt spiritually prepared to go to Bangladesh?" What does that even mean?! I don't think I have any way of preparing myself/or knowing if I'm prepared. I would be setting myself up for disaster if I went thinking I had everything under control I am sure.
I have proved myself to be a true girl. My emotional swings from excitement to dread, from confidence to fear, from anticipation to terrified regarding Bangladesh have pretty much proved it. ;).
I just feel like 'living' right now. I feel like doing all those everyday life things I haven't been able to do in forever. I want to run. I want to get my camera out more often. I want to get a job. Have some money. Go shopping. Travel. I look at those things and see what they are. They really are nothing. There's no grand purpose in them. I just feel too tired to think of "heading out" again. But, that is where I'm at in life and... that's what I'm doing. Call it post-training program life. :)
But... while I'm thankful to have this "down time"... Bangladesh is still looming in the future. My attitude has been pretty bad. I think, "Hey! The sooner we go the sooner we get back!" I allow all sorts of fears to eat at me, "What/who will I lose if I go? What will I miss out on? Who will be waiting for me when I get back? Will everyone's lives just go on without me?" I'm sure I'm being too dramatic. :)
But when it all comes down to it, I realize it is pure selfishness. And isn't that another word for emptiness? If God is telling me to go, what would I miss out on if I stayed? Am I willing to turn my eyes away from a people with so great a need as the Bengalis... just so I can do what I want to do?
Once again. ... and I keep coming back to this over and over and over again... There's nothing to do but trust God. First for today. And then to rest knowing He will take care of us, our needs, our wants, our fears and whatever else just as well tomorrow as He did today. And that is all.

That thy way may be known upon earth, thy saving health among all nations. (Psalm 67:2 KJV)

It's strange thinking about Bangladesh. I sometimes think maybe it isn't really going to happen. At other times, I. am. terrified. knowing that it IS coming. Someone asked me if I "felt spiritually prepared to go to Bangladesh?" What does that even mean?! I don't think I have any way of preparing myself/or knowing if I'm prepared. I would be setting myself up for disaster if I went thinking I had everything under control I am sure.
I have proved myself to be a true girl. My emotional swings from excitement to dread, from confidence to fear, from anticipation to terrified regarding Bangladesh have pretty much proved it. ;).
I just feel like 'living' right now. I feel like doing all those everyday life things I haven't been able to do in forever. I want to run. I want to get my camera out more often. I want to get a job. Have some money. Go shopping. Travel. I look at those things and see what they are. They really are nothing. There's no grand purpose in them. I just feel too tired to think of "heading out" again. But, that is where I'm at in life and... that's what I'm doing. Call it post-training program life. :)
But... while I'm thankful to have this "down time"... Bangladesh is still looming in the future. My attitude has been pretty bad. I think, "Hey! The sooner we go the sooner we get back!" I allow all sorts of fears to eat at me, "What/who will I lose if I go? What will I miss out on? Who will be waiting for me when I get back? Will everyone's lives just go on without me?" I'm sure I'm being too dramatic. :)
But when it all comes down to it, I realize it is pure selfishness. And isn't that another word for emptiness? If God is telling me to go, what would I miss out on if I stayed? Am I willing to turn my eyes away from a people with so great a need as the Bengalis... just so I can do what I want to do?
Once again. ... and I keep coming back to this over and over and over again... There's nothing to do but trust God. First for today. And then to rest knowing He will take care of us, our needs, our wants, our fears and whatever else just as well tomorrow as He did today. And that is all.

"Our Lord never insists on our obedience. He stresses very definitely what we ought to do, but He never forces us to do it. We have to obey Him out of oneness of
spirit with Him. That is why whenever our Lord talked about discipleship, He prefaced it with an "if" meaning, "You do not need to do this unless you desire to do so." ....... The Lord does not give me rules, but makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely myself. Jesus Christ will not force me to obey Him......" -Oswald Chambers

Love this quote...

"We are all a little weird (or really weird...as the case may be..) and life's a little weird and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." - Dr. Seuss

Yay for emails. Sometimes I wonder why I bother having an email at all, my inbox is usually filled with nothing but junk mail. Is it just because you have to have an email to sign up for anything? ;). But... every once in awhile there is something waiting there for me. Guess I won't give up on it completely yet. :)
I need to find a job I think. John thinks I should move to Yoncalla with him. I don't know what to do... I know mom isn't too thrilled by the idea. :)
Hannah's planning is spending a month with the Cordell's in Bend... Now whatever shall I do with myself?

" We are acceptable to God, not because we have obeyed, nor because we have promised to give up things, but because of the death of Christ and for no other reason."
-Oswald Chambers

"Trust me with those you love. I know your heart, and I know how much you love those close to you. I am your Creator and the Giver of every good gift. I have given you loved ones to share your life with. But you, my child, must remember that those you love ultimately belong to me- not you. I didn't give you those special relationships to tear you apart or to control you through fear of the future. Like Abraham did with his only son Isaac, I need you to open your heart and give me back those you love. Trust me with everything that concerns you regarding them. Place your hand in mine, and I promise I will walk with you - and your loved ones - through all things this life brings."
- Sherri Rose Shepherd ( Love Letters from your King)

"God pays no respect to ANYTHING (our standards, our ideas, our righteousnesses, our good plans, etc.) we bring Him. There is only one thing God wants of us: our
unconditional surrender."
-Oswald Chambers

Well. I did it. I survived not going to cider press. :)
I love my iPod touch. Seriously. I'm somewhat obsessed.
My room is no longer an obnoxious shade of purple-ish pink and baby blue. Thank goodness for green!
I woke Hannah up last night by screaming for her to help me. I was dreaming I had a spider crawling on my face. I was literally terrified. And Hannah was not very helpful. Haha

Endeavouring not to be extremely jealous of everyone who will be at the cider press.  Failing.
I selfishly hate the thought of everyone all together, having fun, without me.  I mean, is that even possible?! ;)
Oh. the joys of being a thousand miles away.
Oh well.  I guess I'll just go for a... run.  Yeah. that will make up for it.  Yeeeaah....

Quotes from a Friend :)

After that He appeared in another form unto two of them." Mark 16:12

 

Being saved and seeing Jesus are not the same thing. Many are partakers of God's grace who have never seen Jesus. When once you have seen Jesus, you can never be the same, other things do not appeal as they used to do.

Jesus must appear to your friend as well as to you, no one can see Jesus with your eyes. Severance takes place where one and not the other has seen Jesus. You cannot bring your friend unless God brings him. Have you seen Jesus? Then you will want others to see Him too. "And they went and told it unto the residue, neither believed they them." You must tell, although they do not believe.
 

THE PRICE OF VISION

"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw also the Lord."
Our soul's history with God is frequently the history of the "passing of the hero." Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged. Take it personally: In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died - I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? or - I saw the Lord?

My vision of God depends upon the state of my character. Character determines revelation. Before I can say "I saw also the Lord," there must be something corresponding to God in my character. Until I am born again and begin to see the Kingdom of God, I see along the line of my prejudices only; I need the surgical operation of external events and an internal purification.

It must be God first, God second, and God third, until the life is faced steadily with God and no one else is of any account whatever. "In all the world there is none but thee, my God, there is none but thee." Keep paying the price. Let God see that you are willing to live up to the vision.

Isaiah 6:1

Oh. the joys of not having interent at home.  I'm constantly thinking, oh, I need to do this.  or print that. or  I should write that on my blog.  yeah...  Next on my list:  Interent. AT HOME. :)
Plus, considering my awesome new ipod... :)
Life continually changes.  Training is *officially* ended.  The teachers decided just to forget the last 6 weeks we had originally planned. *whew*  I made it through! :)  Now... I have no plans.  nothing scheduled on my horizon.  So. now what?  I had hoped to meet up with Johnny in Bend... but since he's leaving...  I'm thinking maybe I'll end up just staying right here in Powell. 
That's not the worst thing I guess.  I have been lonely here.  But... on the flip side of that.  The Lord has definitely been speaking to me... constantly being the Rock I need.  constantly suppyling strength in my extreme weakness.  constantly giving encouragement and rest when the pain seems too great.
I find myself often feeling "not at rest".  But HE brings me around.  Fears about the past.  Fears about the future.  Sleepless nights and strange dreams sometimes bother me.... but, neverthless.  HE.  What else really matters?  He is there.  He knows.  He holds.  He keeps.  He is strong.  He cares.  Therefore, I can rest.
Priscilla and Feilynn headed out this morning.  It will be so strange not having them around.  We have been together through a lot of months.
And so?  What next?  I realize the important thing is Him.  And all the other decisions seem so unimportant comparitvely... He's in control of all of those things.  So, perhaps a job or something will appear on my horizon soon.  We shall see.

"the hard and daily things of today are truly nothing. they come and go, they hurt and bring happiness, they confuse and make clear. But He? is only. all. ever." ~H.S.

SO. true.

And so another year ends. and another begins.
Here I am.  And, life goes on.
I think sometimes birthdays can be more depressing than we'd like.  Simply because somewhere in our childhood we truly believed that it was the day where we make all our wishes, our parents buy us the things we've been wanting...or whatever.  It's the day when you're really happy.
I guess now it kind of works the opposite.  Or maybe I am just more like Eor than I'd like to admit.
This year I could only think of all the problems and things that can't be fixed by candles or balloons or presents...  although, I do still like the presents.  Not gonna lie... hehe...
And so this year begins with an odd mixture of tears and laughter/happiness and sadness.
And now I am sure I sound quite ungrateful, depressed, self-absorbed, and full of self-pity.
I suppose I probably am.

Birthday Photos :)

I am wearing green today.  Just because it's my favorite color.
Tomorrow is my birthday.  It doesn't really seem possible that I could be turning 22.  I'm not really excited about that.  I don't think I should be any older than 20. :)
At one point I had a "favorite year"... I think I had decided that was when I was 17?  or was it 18?  I can't really remember now.  Too bad.  Everything was simpler, clearer..easier.
Looking back over this year.... *sigh*... I feel tired.  I think it has probably been the most difficult year of my life in many ways.  And, I don't know how, but it's been happy too.  Bittersweet.  I like bittersweet chocolate better than bittersweet life.  I have probably cried more this last year than I ever have before.  But there have been moments where I have never laughed more.
Looking back over this last year... I don't feel like I have changed any.  I wonder if that's true?  Truthfully, I don't even recognize myself anymore.  ha.  I don't know who I was or what I was thinking a year ago.  Was that yesterday or a lifetime ago?
I don't know what I want to do for my birthday.... well.  maybe I should say I don't know what I want to do that's reasonably possible. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jS8IZcx7tJY

My 21st Year Recap

OCTOBER 2011

Highlights:
> In California... oh. yes.
> Traveled to Bend
>  Stayed with the Mcdaniels
> Decided (on my birthday actually) to move to Bend and go through training
> Heard my dear friend Alyssa was in a relationship (also on my birthday)
>  Visited Montana/Wyoming
> Moved to Bend

>Cider Press

In Hollywood :) 

Hollywood Again

Traveling to Oregon... classic breakdown

California

Hiking with the Mcdaniels

NOVEMBER 2011

Highlights:

>  Moved into out apartment... finally out of that camper!!
> Dad went to Oklahoma for work
> Thanksgiving with John :)

Hike to "Happy Valley"

DECEMBER 2011

Highlights:
> Kaylie and Tyler got engaged
>  Ran the most miles I've ever run in a month (188) :)

Jumping out of the van into snow drifts...haha

Coffee Shops in Bend :)

I Love Us.

Hiking to Smith Rock

JANUARY 2012

Highlights:

> Dad traveled to Bangladesh

>  Awesome New Year's Eve party

> Fun times with Janelle...hehehe

Oh.  the sledding trip.  Chinese food can heal a number of bruises...:)

FEBRUARY 2012

Highlights:

> Went to Eugene.  Sweet Life.  Need I say more? ;)

> Surprise visit from the Ramby's.  Amazing.

Hiked Mt. Pisgah!

Hiked Pilot Butte

MARCH 2012

Highlights:

>Started the Training Program

> Stopped running... because of a foot injury.. :(

APRIL 2012

Highlights:

> Trip to Portland with the training

MAY 2012

Highlights:

> CONFERENCE! :)

> Survived having to share at conference... haha...

> Beach with the Van Zyle's... our kindred family... ;)

>Tilamook Cheese Factory...

>BBQ at the Mcdaniels

JUNE 2012

Highlights:

> Kaylie's Wedding

Bowling

Cheating the Jump Rope Game :)

So.  Happy. ;)

                                                   

Floating the River.  With Coffee.  Yes, please. :)

JULY 2012

Highlights:

> 4th of July.  I love fireworks. :)

>Cliff Jumping/Swimming

>Visit from Dusytn and Keri

>Trip to Couredalene/Spokane 

> Stress Fracture Diagnosis... and the arrival of the lovely boot. ;)

AUGUST 2012

Highlights:

>Trip to Vanouver, B.C.

>Trip to Yoncalla

>Visit from the Van Zyle's

SEPTEMBER 2012

Highlights

> End of Training Program

> Moved to Wyoming

> Conference

>Alyssa's Wedding

>Produce... lots of produce...

>Trip to Missoula

\\