Thursday, November 29, 2012

Endlessly.

On a long bus ride from Boise to Spokane. (Why is it that I am constantly ending up in Spokane btw?)
Listening to music, and I keep noticing these words: always, only, forever, endless, never, never ending ... and so on...
But then, life. and reality. So? Where is this endlessness that we are always singing about?
In my world love, it comes and goes, begins and ends, ceases, fails...gives up...
Where is that love that never gives up?
Once again, here I am going, "Yeah, of course, that kind of love... well, that is only in HIM."
Why do we keep trying to find it in ourselves or in others.. apart from Him? who alone is always.only.forever.endless.never changing ....

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was pretty much amazing. I haven't been quite so happy in a long time. Having the Van Zyl's up was so. refreshing. Top 10 of Thanksgiving?
1- Friends, people who are like family, people who you think, "Wow! I can't believe I actually feel comfortable saying this or doing that in front of them!"
2-Games- feels so good to laugh!
3-Late night talks- Loving those times when you can be really honest and open about yourself and about where you're at, and you find out you're not alone. :)
4- Coffee- oh lots of coffee. And people to share it with who enjoy it as much as you.
5-Cheesecake- turtle cheesecake to be exact. :)
6- Scaring ourselves playing hide-and-go-seek in a dark house...(moms idea)
7-French. Truffles.
8- Having most of the dishes done for me. Yes please!
9- Egg nog, plain, in coffee, in pie....
10- Family, I learn to adore these people more everyday.
"Can You overcome this heart that is overcome?" -David Crowder Band

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Anything we feel we have to fight for, have to desperately hold on to, have to guard... these are the things we have obviously not truly entrusted to God. Struggling is not resting. Fighting is not trusting. We need to be willing to truly trust God with anything that is important to us... and if we truly trust Him with it, well, then He can do with it as He pleases and we will not question Him or complain or be troubled about it. We will cease fighting for it and be willing to take it or leave it as He leads.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Confession: I am definitely an over thinker. I am convinced that nothing in life is as simple as it should be. I appreciate those amazing people who have the most profound answers to my overly-thought-about, overly-complicated problems. Those people who respond and it's like, "Duh. Of course. Why didn't I think of that?" It's nothing... super profound. Just the simple truth.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Thinking of the people in my life whose lives have influenced me to desire to know God.....Wishing I was more like them in affecting the lives of the people I know.
It would be nice to be a good influence to people....a help, rather than a hindrance.
The biggest question for me? What in the world does a person like that even look like?
That realization that there's nothing special about yourself. Nothing that makes you different or more special than anybody else.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Going to visit John in Oregon with my dear friend/sister Hannah. So. Excited. Actually... I'm so excited... it doesn't seem real.
Also traveling to Boise for a few days.
Yay for something to do/somewhere to go!

Aaaaand... another quote :P

"It is a common temptation of satan to make us give up reading of the Word and prayer when our enjoyment is gone; as if it were no use to read the Scriptures when we do no enjoy them, and as if it were of no use to pray when we have no spirit of prayer. While the truth is, in order to enjoy the Word, we ought to continue to read it, and the way to receive a spirit of prayer is to continue praying; for the less we read the Word of God, the less we desire to read it, and the less we pray, the less we desire to pray."
~ George Mueller
Sitting here tonight by the fire. Isaac comes and sits opposite of me, looks at me and says, "You like me... don't you?" I replied, " Yes, but how could you tell?" He grins and says, "Because you smile at me every time." Hmmm... I didn't even know I did. :)
And so we are sitting here, while he sings a song to me about being "the sweetest little grown up girl". He's drinking his milk like a cat and trying to read the words on the stove and trying to convince me to let him melt one of his Legos. Haha... I think I'll just sit back and enjoy watching him while I drink my coffee.
#sweetmomentsinlife

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

What would I do without Johnny...?
#lovelatenighttalkswiththebrother

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Such a sweet song... :)


One if life's lessons: clarity comes with times.
We are so keen on having the answer now. But it never seems to work that way... God apparently is not on our time schedule.
I am really thankful to finally be gaining clarity/ understanding concerning some things in my life that have seemed particularly confusing.
I am learning that, the answer does come with certainty and clarity, but it doesn't usually come just when we expect it to.
And so, we have nothing to do but rest and patiently wait to see what God will do.
Why is it often the most obvious things that I find the most obscure?
I had to laugh at myself... Over the last couple months I have been learning what love really is. And that (as is made glaringly obvious in 1 Corinthians 13), the Christian life really just comes down to love. Seems simple. Almost too simple. ;). So... following Christ is not about rules? not about regulations? not about the manner in which we speak or dress or conduct our families? not about bible reading or prayer? Not about evangelism or missions? Those things are not the point? Hard for me to grasp. Really hard. It's about love? About being so in love with Jesus that all of those things just... happen? I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. He's interested in me loving him... not doing/performing/serving Him?
At this point, I can only acknowledge that I know little of that sort if love for Jesus. I know only a selfish sort of love that simply recognizes how desperately I need Him, but I have yet to experience that love that desires Him, for just Himself.
Today I thought to myself, "I should read a book about something... good". Of course, that is the obvious thing to do when you feel spiritually dry, right? ;). A book can solve all your problems. Then I thought, "I should read a book about loving Jesus..." Then it came to me. The Bible. Duh! hehe...
Then I thought back to a time in the past when I was a much better person. More spiritual. More righteous. More holy. More serious about the Lord. I have been lamenting that that person just doesn't seem to exist anymore. I read lots of books during that time. But, when I thought about it...the majority of them were about... things. issues. not about Him.
How many books have I read about prayer , about missions, about modesty, about politics, about relationships, about holiness, about dating vs. courting, about commitment, about being more serious about following God... but how few about just Him?
Is it true that my objective is not to make myself more pleasing to Him? Is it true that, because I am in Him, it is not possible that I could please Him more? Is it true that, even though I feel despicable about myself right now, He loves me just the same as when I felt I was doing well?
I don't know how to get it.. or what it looks like, but I want to love God like that.
#desiringtofallinlovewithjesus

Friday, November 9, 2012




"We are often more concerned about what we should be *doing* for Jesus, rather than simply being *in love* with Jesus." ~ Francis Chan
Am I the only one who attaches sentimental value to clothes? Some clothes just seem more special than others simply because of the memories you made while wearing them.
#weirdquirk

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Wow. Today I must look like somebody famous... A little old lady thought I was Annica. Then was very surprised when I said I wasn't. I told her I get told I look like other people. She concluded I must look like a movie star.
Several people smiled and waved like I was a long lost friend.
A weird( and.. not to be mean, but somewhat mentally slow) guy stopped and told me how much he liked my shoes... and my necklace...and then talked to me about his tattoos...and introduced himself to me. And, oh is that a phone or an iPod? ;)
#weirddayinbillings

Tuesday, November 6, 2012








From my Sister's Perspective

This is an essay Emily wrote with me as her subject. Too fun not to share...;)

"Chipper and brisk, Caley prepares the last meal of the day. She conquers each task with ease. Her hazel and emerald green eyes flashing about as she works. Her long cinnamon brown hair is pulled back in a loose ponytail. Her slender build bending and stretching as she chops veggies and stirs soup. Cheerfully she starts washing her dishes, but keeps a watchful eye on the cooking food. Her black cotton T-shirt is covered
with water and flour. And her dark blue jeans are covered by a black apron. Her feet move about quickly in her cerulean and magenta running shoes. Freckles adorn her darling nose. She laughs and chats as she goes. Finishing up she calls with her bright voice for the family to come and eat."


And this was right before the "yogurt incident" where I got right in the middle of making yogurt only to discover someone had eaten the yogurt that I needed to make more(namely Dad). After reacting with a fair amount of annoyance and frustration, with lots of sighing, groaning and even a little foot stomping, she called me an angry troll and informed me I threw a tantrum like a 2 year old. Hahaha... and her essay sounded so sweet and poetic... Lol
The poor girl was so shocked at mt behavior and couldn't believe I didn't get in trouble... hehehe
Today is my brothers birthday. Wow. 23...everybody's getting so old. I simply and honestly adore him. I couldn't even really say why. I know everything about him. Every fault. Every failure. And, I guess when you really love somebody those things just don't really matter. I simply love him because... I do. No other explanation needed. And, of course, I know every strength and every victory.
In the midst of this constantly changing life... he never changes. I have total confidence he's there for me. I love that. He is my friend, my advisor, the one who listens to all my problems, knows everything about me... makes me laugh, makes me feel better when I'm sad, understands, loves without expectations or demands, knows that if I'm crabby coffee will make it all better, quotes movies with me, makes life fun and exciting and crazy... haha... He's the only one that has the most random cravings, the only one I've ever sat in a Safeway parking lot and poured my heart out with, the only one I've drove backwards through the McDonalds drive-through with...;). I don't know what I'd do without him....

Friday, November 2, 2012

That thy way may be known upon earth, thy saving health among all nations. (Psalm 67:2 KJV)

It's strange thinking about Bangladesh. I sometimes think maybe it isn't really going to happen. At other times, I. am. terrified. knowing that it IS coming. Someone asked me if I "felt spiritually prepared to go to Bangladesh?" What does that even mean?! I don't think I have any way of preparing myself/or knowing if I'm prepared. I would be setting myself up for disaster if I went thinking I had everything under control I am sure.
I have proved myself to be a true girl. My emotional swings from excitement to dread, from confidence to fear, from anticipation to terrified regarding Bangladesh have pretty much proved it. ;).
I just feel like 'living' right now. I feel like doing all those everyday life things I haven't been able to do in forever. I want to run. I want to get my camera out more often. I want to get a job. Have some money. Go shopping. Travel. I look at those things and see what they are. They really are nothing. There's no grand purpose in them. I just feel too tired to think of "heading out" again. But, that is where I'm at in life and... that's what I'm doing. Call it post-training program life. :)
But... while I'm thankful to have this "down time"... Bangladesh is still looming in the future. My attitude has been pretty bad. I think, "Hey! The sooner we go the sooner we get back!" I allow all sorts of fears to eat at me, "What/who will I lose if I go? What will I miss out on? Who will be waiting for me when I get back? Will everyone's lives just go on without me?" I'm sure I'm being too dramatic. :)
But when it all comes down to it, I realize it is pure selfishness. And isn't that another word for emptiness? If God is telling me to go, what would I miss out on if I stayed? Am I willing to turn my eyes away from a people with so great a need as the Bengalis... just so I can do what I want to do?
Once again. ... and I keep coming back to this over and over and over again... There's nothing to do but trust God. First for today. And then to rest knowing He will take care of us, our needs, our wants, our fears and whatever else just as well tomorrow as He did today. And that is all.
That thy way may be known upon earth, thy saving health among all nations. (Psalm 67:2 KJV)

It's strange thinking about Bangladesh. I sometimes think maybe it isn't really going to happen. At other times, I. am. terrified. knowing that it IS coming. Someone asked me if I "felt spiritually prepared to go to Bangladesh?" What does that even mean?! I don't think I have any way of preparing myself/or knowing if I'm prepared. I would be setting myself up for disaster if I went thinking I had everything under control I am sure.
I have proved myself to be a true girl. My emotional swings from excitement to dread, from confidence to fear, from anticipation to terrified regarding Bangladesh have pretty much proved it. ;).
I just feel like 'living' right now. I feel like doing all those everyday life things I haven't been able to do in forever. I want to run. I want to get my camera out more often. I want to get a job. Have some money. Go shopping. Travel. I look at those things and see what they are. They really are nothing. There's no grand purpose in them. I just feel too tired to think of "heading out" again. But, that is where I'm at in life and... that's what I'm doing. Call it post-training program life. :)
But... while I'm thankful to have this "down time"... Bangladesh is still looming in the future. My attitude has been pretty bad. I think, "Hey! The sooner we go the sooner we get back!" I allow all sorts of fears to eat at me, "What/who will I lose if I go? What will I miss out on? Who will be waiting for me when I get back? Will everyone's lives just go on without me?" I'm sure I'm being too dramatic. :)
But when it all comes down to it, I realize it is pure selfishness. And isn't that another word for emptiness? If God is telling me to go, what would I miss out on if I stayed? Am I willing to turn my eyes away from a people with so great a need as the Bengalis... just so I can do what I want to do?
Once again. ... and I keep coming back to this over and over and over again... There's nothing to do but trust God. First for today. And then to rest knowing He will take care of us, our needs, our wants, our fears and whatever else just as well tomorrow as He did today. And that is all.
"Our Lord never insists on our obedience. He stresses very definitely what we ought to do, but He never forces us to do it. We have to obey Him out of oneness of
spirit with Him. That is why whenever our Lord talked about discipleship, He prefaced it with an "if" meaning, "You do not need to do this unless you desire to do so." ....... The Lord does not give me rules, but makes His standard very clear. If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation. If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely myself. Jesus Christ will not force me to obey Him......" -Oswald Chambers