I think waiting is just part of everyday life.
We are always waiting for something.
I think waiting is one of the hardest things in life.
It requires patience - which we seem to sorely lack in. :)
I think that the longer we are willing to wait for something - the more valuable it is.
I think waiting for people - waiting for someone - is one of the surest signs of love.
I think being waited for is the best feeling.

Getting up at 3 am to go to Portland tomorrow!
Not gonna lie I am pretty excited. Just getting out and *doing* something is pretty exciting!
We're gonna go to the museum there tomorrow and some theatre thing... I can't remember what it's called.
You know, it seems like one way or the other, I'm always ending back up in Portland. I'm not complaining. Just sayin. :D
Btw... seeing pictures of yourself is super depressing. I think I shall hide from cameras from here on out! ;)

"God never speaks to us in dramatic ways, but in ways that are easy to misunderstand. Then we say, "I wonder if that was God's voice?" - O. Chambers

Found out today we have enough money for all our tickets to Bangladesh.
And... My moms passport finally came through.
I wish I could say I was super excited... but, honestly I'm just terrified. It literally makes me catch my breathe... I'm scared to be so far away. I'm scared not knowing when I'd be coming back...
Pretty much desperately hoping we get to at least be here for May conference.
But... on the brighter side... It's good to be finding peace in other areas! So. I'm sure I will *eventually* find it in this one too.
Seems like no matter what... time and waiting is always involved in everything in life....*deep breath*....

And another week begins.
Not generally a huge fan of Mondays... but I decided to get up a couple hours before the baby and just chill, so this ones not looking too shabby from this viewpoint!
Which is currently in bed with a hot drink. Yep. Can't beat that!
I was asked by my chiropractor if I had any plans for last weekend. I told him I didn't. He responded with, "What?! I thought you'd have a hot date... or be going to the movies or something??!!
Yeah. Well no. Not exactly. haha
Such if life.
Current looking forward to payday! Then maybe I'll go to the movies. Not with a hot date, but still... ;)

"Him shall He teach in the way He chooses." -Psalm 25:12
"At first we want the awareness of being guided by God. But then as we grow spiritually, we live do fully aware of God that we do not even need to ask what His will is, because the thought if choosing another way will never occur to us. If we are saved and sanctified, God hides us by our everyday choices. And if we are about to choose what He does not want, He will give us a sense if doubt or restraint, which we must heed. Whenever there is doubt, stop at once. Never try to reason it out, saying, "I wonder why I should not do this?" God instructs us in what we choose, that is, He actually guides our common sense. And when we yield to His teachings and guidance, we no longer hinder His Spirit by continually asking, "Now,Lord, what is your will?"
-Oswald Chambers

It's raining in January. I love it.
I decided to go for a walk tonight in the rain. I love walking in the rain.
Now I'm sitting outside...scrolling Facebook.
So this is life right now.
It's rather lonely. :/

Confession time -
So. I've been watching these murder/detective movies. They're kinda lame...and old. But they terrify me.
The other night I was in bed watching one, and the murder is getting ready to happen... I started frantically searching for the switch to turn the lamp on because I was so scared. Lol
Then after it was over, I was still scared and I didn't want to turn off the light with that still in my head or dream about it...so I browsed the Internet for a good long while before turning out the light.
At which point I was still scared because my bed is right by a big window...haha
The truth is... I get scared very easily..;)

"Everybody makes mistakes...you can't get past that. How you judge a man is how he responds after he makes a mistake."

Well. I just looked at my calendar and my mouth dropped open. I have been here for 5 weeks already! Seems impossible. Time is just flying by.... It's nice. And scary at the same time. :)
I've been really happy here. It took awhile to get settled in...but it's good now. Things are becoming a little more routine. Samuel wakes me up at 6, he plays in my room while I drink my morning coffee and read my bible. He eats breakfast at 8. I eat breakfast and clean-up and whatnot. He naps between 9-2 for a couple hours. I go take a shower while he naps... and so our days go by. Quickly.
We take turns getting up at night with him. Unfortunately he wakes up a few times every night. :/
Anyways... things have been good.
I am realizing that my time here is going to go by really quickly. No one knows how long I'll be needed here...and I'm already wondering what's next...
Ah, well... guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it. ;)

Not usually one to listen to sermons..;) but this one I thought was really good.

http://youtu.be/nL3Wy0a8fyI

That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another. Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil. Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:22-32 KJV)

- Ephesians - amazing book

"When God gets us alone through suffering, heartbreak, temptation, disappointment, sickness, or by thwarted desires, a broken friendship, or a new friendship - when He gets us absolutely alone, and we are totally speechless, unable to ask even one question, then He begins to teach us." - O. Chambers

- I'm glad there's a point to all these difficulties we go through. -

I find that when I cannot point to something in my life and say, "Oh, this is what God is doing, this is what He is showing me, this is what I am learning, this is where He is leading me", or " this is what He has done".. life gets pretty boring, pretty pointless and empty.
I can become so absorbed in my own little world...not seeing beyond the here and now. I stumble along blindly ...without real purpose or direction.
Sometimes I catch of something better, something higher...something filled with purpose and meaning and joy for all of us. Not this walk of discouragement and defeat. I want that. I don't know exactly what it looks like...but that's what I want.
I think it's my own fear that holds me back.
It's like the song says.."Do something new in my life..."

-Love this picture of Jesus -

"But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd."(Matthew 9:36 KJV)

...kind of sounds like how we are most of the time...

I'm so proud of myself. I'm just growing up so fast. Got a job...gonna get my own bank account soon...driving my brothers car... parents are getting me a phone...still haven't memorized my SSN... Yep. That's me! Lol....;)

"It was then that God stepped in to save both (Abraham and Isaac) from an uncleansed love.."

(God said) " I only wanted to remove him from the temple of your heart, that I might reign unchallenged there."

"We are often hundred in giving things up to The Lord out of fear for their safety... Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really safe that is not committed."
-A.W.Tozer (The Pursuit of God)

The people I'm living with are so nice. Seriously, they really are. Always polite and considerate, always saying kind things about people... I thought, "Hey! Maybe that will rub off on me and I'll be a nicer person."
Then I laughed. No way! This just means that all my fabulously clever sarcastic remarks are going to keep getting built up, until I unleash them on the world.
Sorry people. But...I can't just let them go to waste now can I? ;)

Too funny not to share-
"Soooo big news! (for you anyways) (a friend) got this app on his phone that calculates a couple's compatibility merely by typing in their names. ---- and I got a whopping 51% (lameSAUCE!) and every one else we put in got 50% or less, but you my friend! According to this all-knowing app, you and Micah Kelly are a 97% match! No joke. We died laughing at you. 😊"

I'm sitting here in a quiet house, watching the sun come up, drinking coffee and holding a sleeping baby.
We've had a good time this morning...guess all that playing was pretty exhausting. I know I could go for a nap too! ;)
Confession: yesterday I got all dressed up, curled my hair, hopped in the Rettigs (comparatively) nice car , slipped on my new high heeled black boots, stopped at Starbucks even though I was late for church... and as me and my latte walked back out to the car I thought, "I.love.my.life." Hehe... Pathetic I know. It doesn't take much to make me happy I guess. ;)
Church was good. Brendan taught from 1 Corinthians 13.
I love getting to see everybody there. I had lunch with the Seiburgs. That was fun.
Afterwards I went shopping...had, yes some more coffee...;) Had Chinese food for dinner...
Yep. Pretty good day.

"If I slip into the place that can be filled by Christ alone, making myself the first necessity to a soul instead of leading it to fasten upon Him, then I know nothing of Calvary love." ~ Amy Carmichael

I used to be better...or did I..?
I find that thought running through my mind a lot these days.
I used to be more righteous. more God-centered. more focused. more serious.
I used to have stronger convictions. better rules.... I used to be...better..
So. What happened?
When did I change? How did that happen?
I sometimes wonder if it's not a good change. Maybe it's good for me not to feel so good about me.
I don't know.
I heard once that the most miserable place a person can be in is to have one foot in the world and one foot in Christ. It's an impossible line to walk and, sooner or later we must, "choose this day who you will serve." Sometimes I feel like I'm there. Or neither here nor there, as it were. Not *really* pursuing the world.. but not really pursuing Jesus either.... and, yeah, it's rather miserable.
The thing is... I have lived so long basing my life off of my ideas. What does a person who is totally in love with and pursuing Jesus actually look like? What does holiness look like? What does it look like to be, "not of the world"? There are so many interpretations of that...it's confusing.
What are my ideas and what are Gods ideas?
Honestly. I don't like where I'm at, but I don't know where to start. I feel tired. Tired of struggling.. And I know it's pathetic. I have not "resisted unto blood..." as Paul put it.
I just know I don't want to go *there*... I do not want to be sucked into this world that is so full of misery, destruction, regrets and disappointment...
It's like we're all being pulled in.. People I care so much for, and I don't want them to go there either...
We do so desperately need God.
These verses came to my mind today,
"Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast lost thy first love... Be *watchful* and *strengthen those things that remain*...." (-Rev. 2:4;3:2)
And this quote - " No matter what changes God has performed in you, never rely upon them. Build only on a person -the Lord Jesus Christ and on the Spirit He gives." -O. Chambers

All in a day...

All day I have been trying to find a quiet moment to A.) take a shower and B.) drink a cup of hot cocoa.
Pathetic. But true.
My morning bible reading time was rudely interrupted by a crying baby who wanted to get up at 6:20. Seriously?!
So talk about speed reading! I was trying so hard to finish before he started crying for breakfast!
I finally laid him down for his first nap. Before I finished my shower he was crying again.
I laid him down for his second nap, got my hot cocoa... and guess what. He's up. Yes. Crying as I write this.
Goodbye hot cocoa....

Well. I'm not gonna lie, the only thing that makes Hannah being gone and me being alone is the fact that she's hanging out with some of the funnest people I know! (#sarcasm) ;P So, last night, I didn't want to sit here. So I went to Redmond, walked around Fred Meyer and then went and got coffee...at McDonald's. Talk about lame!
Ah, well, such is life I suppose.

"You don't know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing......
Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He's not going to tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do - He reveals to you who He is."
- Oswald Chambers

Goodbyes...

Goodbye to 2012.
Goodbye to the first day of 2013.
Now that is crazy. Another year..gone.
Funny how things go... I didn't do anything "celebratory" yesterday for New Years... but I did do a lot of thinking about the last year. It's been...the craziest year of my life I think. In so many levels.
Looking at the changes in me, in my life, my world... it's pretty shocking and drastic.
All in a year.
And now, as 364 days of 2013 lay before me.... I do wonder what they will hold.
For me, life is always busy, and fast and it's always an adventure. Some adventures don't turn out very good...others are definitely worth it. ;)
One things for sure...it will be interesting.