Wow.  It's actually been a long time since I've been on here!
Not sure why... I'm thinking back over the last couple weeks and it doesn't seem like much has happened.  But if that's true why am I so busy? Mentally, physically...emotionally?  Life.is.crazy.  And seems to be getting crazier. :)
If you asked me how I'm going right now... Well, I'd probably give you a blank stare and rattle off, "Oh.... I'm doing good!"  But. really.  I don't even know how I'm doing!  Who has time to figure that out! haha
One thing I know is this - it's getting to be really lonely around here.  As the newness/excitement has worn off... it just gets less and less fun being alone.  Even coffee is less appealing when you don't have anyone to enjoy it with!  And, coming from me, that's saying a lot.
Thankfully I am pretty much busy from 6am to 6pm.  It's those few hours I have off or the weekends that I realize I need someone to meet me at  Starbucks.  Gosh. Someone just to laugh with!!  I don't laugh much anymore..  Mostly I just opt for going running at night.  Of course it's dark and cold outside so the gym is my next best option.
They know me by name down there.  They think I don't have a life... NO clue why! haha
And so... this is life right now.  It's all okay.
Today has been bad.  *deep breath* Literally a screaming, crabby, irritable baby from the moment he got up.  It's been rough, and I'm exhausted.
And this is why I don't post very often.  Who wants to read about loneliness and screaming children? ;)

A Confession.

Well.  I can't believe that just happened.
I mean - I guess I knew I was pathetic.  But I didn't know I was this pathetic. 
I have had a real eye opening moment. 
And now.  Everyone else gets to know the depths of my pathetic-ness.
Honestly.  I think, for most of us... take out the few lucky ones... we are all pretty much the same. :-/
So...  without really, fully realizing what I was doing...
I went out for coffee.  By myself.  On Valentine's day.  Probably the worst part about that is I wore running pants, a worn out pair of hiking shoes complemented by an equally worn (and stained) {and over-sized} jacket.  I barely combed my hair.  Attempted to cover my hideous-ness with a 20-second foundation job.  I actually did put on some mascara.  Just so people wouldn't think I was a creepy guy with long hair. (It is Bend after all)... The lady at Starbucks asked me if I had any big plans for the evening.  I literally stood there and chatted with her about how much of a bother it is to go out on Valentine's Day because it's so crowded and everything over priced.  There was just NO way I was going to confess to her....haha...
So then I decided to rent a movie.  Ended up with what I knew was a really sweet/tear-jerker/romantic movie.  Of course.
And what goes better with a movie than ice cream?  Yep. 
My confession is this:  I came home, watched a sad love story, literally cried and sniffled my way through it, all the while consuming 16 oz. of delciousness....impressive. yes. I know.  What can I say?
About half way though the movie. It hit me.  Oh my gosh.  I never thought it would come to this.!  I am one of those pathetically sad, single, lonely people!  And everything I'm doing right now proves it!  Really coffee and movies and ice cream to cover up my loneliness?!
I literally threw my head back on my pillows and laughed at myself.
Then I cried.  It really was a sad movie..... ;)

There was a time when what was "right" and what was "wrong" seemed so obvious to me.
Ah. I do miss the simplicity of those days.
But, at this point in life, precious few things seem so clearly cut.
My mind and thoughts are in a constant battle, arguing one side and then the other. Not to sound schizophrenic... ;)
I feel very confused at times. very lost. Wishing I could make sense of things.
But, I think I am learning a big lesson. And it is this, "We walk by faith and not be sight."
In other words... it doesn't matter if it makes sense to me, or if it doesn't. It doesn't matter if it makes sense to anybody else or not.
The one thing that matters is this: What does God say about it?
I think once we know that, it's pretty easy to move ahead with confidence. Until we hear His thoughts on it... we had better be still!
I desire so much to turn off my own voice and the voices of others and to just clearly hear from God so that I can move ahead with confidence.
I have been stuck in this "gray land", where things are foggy and unclear, for so long. Really tired of it.
It seems even when I think I may have heard from The Lord there's always something that makes me second guess it. I hate that. There is no peace in it. And it is extremely frustrating....
*deep breath*
I am trusting solely in His promises to direct, to keep, to lead, to protect and to guide.
It is not Him I doubt. It is me.
Guess I need to get me out of the way. :)

That sad realization that your social life basically comes down to Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, the occasional text/phonecall, the even rarer email and, when all else fails- you can browse Pinterest for hours. :)
That said, I think it's high time I go visit my brother. Hopefully the pass is clear this weekend. I refuse to drive on bad roads. :)
And hopefully I feel better by this weekend! :-/

Well dang. Forget sleeping!
I'm so tired. It's just my brain won't seem to shut up. Too busy thinking to fall asleep. Too busy dreaming to sleep well. Ugh. Such is life.
Well. It's true. Being alone is not very fun. I'm not sure if its worse to be surrounded by people and *feel* alone or to just be alone....? Either way. It definitely sucks.
So. As it is. Went to church this morning. Drank some (more) coffee. It was gorgeous outside. I walked around the park, sipped my mocha... not too shabby!
Browsed through some stores... ate some lunch... It's just makes me feel lonelier when I try to do something fun. Guess I should just stay home and save some money! ;)

"Day by day and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Fathers wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best-
Lovingly it's part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest."

"Every day The Lord Himself is near me ,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counsellor and Power.
The protection of His child and treasure,
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
'As your days your strength shall be in measure'
This the pledge to me He made."

"Help me then in every tribulation,
So to trust Your promises oh Lord,
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation,
Offered me within Your Holy Word.
Help me Lord, when toil and trouble meeting, ever to takes as from a Fathers hand,
One by one the days the moments fleeting, til I reach the promised land."

So. This is nice.
Sipping an extra hot, triple shot, white mocha. My fave. :)
There's two men siting near me talking. The younger man says a cuss word. The older man nervously looks over at me, obviously concerned that I heard it. Haha... I must either look young, innocent or too delicate to hear such things. :)
It was sweet. I'm pretty much always taken to be 3 or 4 years younger than I am.... I am rather naive. Haha... I don't know about the delicate part... ;)
Anyways. It was cute.