I talked to a good friend this week. She amazes me- or maybe I shouldn't say that she does, but her simple trust in The Lord despite her extremely difficult circumstances amazed me. She's not one of those people who say its okay because they think they should. She sat there with tears in her eyes and honestly told us that she was hurting more than she ever had before, but that she was just rejoicing in The Lord and trusting Him and that she was more joyful and dependent on Him than she ever had been before. 

I was inspired. And gently rebuked for all my fear and unrest. Even while she was talking I felt so much fear in me. Hearing her talk about how much this man had hurt her- it terrified me. It was a good reminder of how weak, how easily broken, how easily shattered I am without Him. A good reminder of no matter how much you may love someone - they are still human. And no matter how much they may not want to hurt you, they will. 

And the opposite is true. I do not want to hurt the ones I love and yet I do. And that is why we must find strength in Him. I think we can only truly love without fear of being broken by trusting the One who has promised to hold us together.  We must be complete in Him.

I am fearful. I realize more and more that to love is a crazy paradox of joy and sorrow, of deep joy and deep pain. It is both beauty and brokenness. It is both terrifying and exhilarating. 

It is even scary to be loved. To know that my actions, whether I want them to or not, deeply impact those who love me. It is strange to realize that you have such power to break down or to build up. It's like being handed a powerful tool without having any knowledge of how to use it. It terrifies me.

 I find myself more and more finding rest realizing that I cannot do it- but He can. Only He can truly hold us together. I beg Him to give me wisdom. I do not want to cause pain- but it seems inevitable that I will. I can only trust Him to teach me. Only He can turn ashes to beauty. And give joy for brokenness.

I am learning to just savor the moment. I feel it. I hurt. But I do not want to miss the good things happening right now because I am wasting my time wishing this or that thing was different. There will always be something in life that isn't quite how we want it to be. Strength is knowing and trusting that He knows and He will work and that He has purpose in everything. We can try and turn to so many empty things that we hope will make it better. They won't work.

Please turn to Him.

Its such a strange time in life for me right now.
There's enough strength for the day.  And I can manage through the things that need to be done.  But it's almost a thoughtless 'just-do-what-needs-to-be-done' mode.  And I find when I stop and think about all the crazy changes about ready to happen in my life.  I'm terrified.  I don't know what of exactly- maybe its just that I am looking into my future and everything seems so unclear and uncertain.  I am afraid of what I do not know.
And- truthfully- I'm just tired.  Uh- really tired. (haha) ;)  But really- I just feel so weary.  No place feels like home.  I feel like my life has been up in the air for years.  I haven't been settled in any one place for years.  I so want to just... rest.  Some days I feel like I just don't have it in me anymore to live this way.
This thing about moving to Bangladesh is so much bigger than I can handle.  Usually I take things as they come, and just deal with them as they are.  But I can't do that with this.  It's too big.  Too daunting.  Too much for me.  Gone is that confident strong person I used to be!! (haha)
There is not much rest right now.  And what I really want is home.  Even what used to be home doesn't feel like it.  At this age-  I feel like I'm neither really in or really out.  Everything feels so unsettled to me, and I just long for rest.
Not to sound depressed.  I am actually happy!  It's good being with my family.  I have confidence the Lord is putting me in Bangladesh for awhile.
For some reason I think it won't be very long- but I never really know.
I just know that I feel like I can't go on like this for much longer... and I just want to find home.

"All wisdom is found in God. If we would be wise, we should not seek wisdom as a thing, but we should seek the person of Jesus Christ. Wisdom is simply knowing God and obeying the prompting a of His Spirit within us. Do you desire to walk with wisdom? Then be sure there is nothing hindering you from hearing the voice of God in your life."

"The fear of The Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the holy is understanding." -Proverbs 9:10

And unto the angel of the church in Sardis write; These things saith he that hath the seven Spirits of God, and the seven stars; I know thy works, that thou hast a name that thou livest, and art dead. Be watchful, and strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die: for I have not found thy works perfect before God. Remember therefore how thou hast received and heard, and hold fast, and repent. If therefore thou shalt not watch, I will come on thee as a thief, and thou shalt not know what hour I will come upon thee. (Revelation 3:1-3 KJV)

So I haven't posted on here in ages...:-/

These last few weeks have been so full/eventful/good/stressful... and a multitude of other things. So there have been a lot of things I could have posted about. But- didn't. ;)

I am home now. It's just strange. Not necessarily good or bad- just strange. It's like getting back to something that should be familiar but... it's different, or you're different or something. It's okay. I definitely am glad I won't be in Wyoming long! I do not like this place.

What can I say? Life is continually crazy and confusing, it is filled with hope and fear, with laughter and tears... but all in all I am happy. hopeful.peaceful.trusting... I feel like I have had just a moment to catch my breath, just a moment to rest, just a moment to not hurt. And I feel like I can keep going. 

http://youtu.be/QASREBVDsLk

http://youtu.be/ztBPBsbkvFQ