It is strange to realize that life is simply- life.  Deep I know. ;)  

 But really- whether you are in the place/culture you are most familiar with or thousands and thousands

 of miles away, there are a lot of the same frustrations/struggles- the everyday monotony- the everyday

 laughter/tears- the everyday is ever with us.  There are days that it is particularly hot, or days where it is

 particularly frustrating that the power goes off right when you're trying to cook dinner and you just have

 to stop right in the middle of it.  The struggles are different- but life is the same in many ways.  

At the end of the day- these truths are what remain.  Trusting that God has put me here.  God is enough.

 God knows my needs- he saw every tear I would cry today.  He knew what things would be the most

 painful for me in coming here, He knew the moments where I would feel totally alone,

 completely overwhelmed or when I feel like I have suffered a great loss- yet He does sustain.  God has provided everything I need for today.  Some-days it doesn't feel like He has- but I realize that I can choose to believe what He says or not.

 And, above all-  He is always faithful.  I do kick some days, I do cry, I do hurt- but I have to believe that it is all going to be okay.  

On  the flip side, He knew the joy I would feel in seeing this place, in being a part of it.  He truly has given me the  desire of my heart in coming here.  Even though I was very reluctant to come- I am amazed that over all the years I dreamed of going to India- to this part of the world. Here I am.  I am blessed to know believers here.  To hear them pray to my God in a language I cannot even understand (yet) ;).  To feel such a love for people I cannot even communicate with. To see a hungry, naked, filthy, abused, unloved and uncared for child with major health issues see you and come running into your arms and wrap his dirty and scratched arms tightly around your neck. The things I have experienced in the short time I've been here- It's incredible.  The things we laugh at, the crazy, amazing blessedness of everyday life. 

 Then there are the simple little things in everyday-  a hot cup of coffee (instant though it may be ;P), a cold shower, the power being on, when a shop is actually selling my favorite chips, watching my little brothers build a sand castle at the beach or eating ice cream at midnight..haha

.Life is such a mixture of joy/sorrow isn't it?  Since being here I have felt some intense sorrow and

 intense joy- how can you explain how happy and sad you are at the same time?! 

I can't seem to sleep tonight so I'm up in the early morning hours eating ice cream with chocolate syrup.  Ice cream is like- my comfort food here.  I've never appreciated ice cream so much.
I think if I ever decide to write a book about my life that it will be titled, "The Random Odd Happenings in the Life of Caley." No.  I haven't given this much thought- but really.  It would fit. ;)
You know, I've realized for a long time that my life is a bit unusual- but then there are moments when you realize- Nope. This is downright weird/crazy... possibly insane.  And I guess it's not the big moments that make it weird, but the everyday, random, unusual moments that do it.
 Almost every time I leave the house and go somewhere I come back saying, "Ok guys.  Guess what happened today."
One really weird thing is it doesn't matter where I'm at- here or in the States- the most random people walk up and talk to me about the weirdest things.  Today it happened while I was sitting on the root of a tree at the beach, drinking 7-up, eating masala flavored potato chips and attempting to study Bangla.  Which is pretty weird in itself.  I was a little distracted though, because there was a huge group of people watching a woman wearing really tight red stretchy pants with a really tight red camisole dancing on the beach.  Apparently they were filming something.  And let me just say- that out fit wasn't really working for her.  Poor dear. lol...  Anyways, as I'm sitting there this guys walks up, "Excuse me.  What country are you from?"  Typical, everyday question, "Oh, I'm from America."  I answer.  "Oh!  I'm from Finland!  From Helsinki."  The strangest thing was that he kinda looked Bengali...?  So he asks what I'm doing in Bangladesh, "I live here with my family- in Cox's Bazzar.  Just near here.  My name is Caley.  No, those are my brothers you saw swimming.  I am 22 years old..."  Just the same old questions.  Then he starts this confusing thing about,
 "I live in Dhaka. "
"Oh, I thought you were from Finland."
"I am from Finland, I'm just visiting."
"You are just visiting Cox's"
"Yes.
"Oh, why are you in Cox's?"
""For a holy day" (figured out later he actually said holiday)
"Oh, like for Ramadan or Eid?"
(confused look)
"I am filming a video....Uh- what are you studying?"
"Bangla- and it is SO hard."
"Yes- I know.  I heard my mom speaking it- it sounds very difficult."
"How long have you been in Bangladesh?
"2 months."
"What are you doing here?"
"Visiting my family."
"Your family is in Cox's"
"No- my family lives in Dhaka. I am a citizen."
"So you were born in Bangladesh?"
"No. Okay, let me explain...."
Let me just add- he had an accent that made it difficult for me to understand..lol.. I am not a complete moron. It was ridiculous!  Anyways- pretty odd.  Met a guy from Finland, named Sam (is that even Finnish??), had a confusing conversation, he had me guess his age and I got it right... (?)... aaaand he still gave me his number after all that just in case I want to hang out with him.. which I will never use. lol.  Sometimes being the only English speaking person around isn't all it's cracked up to be! ;)
Another weird happening- last night we had dogs barking all night, electricity going off, a screech owl schreeching it's little head off and a cat doing likewise.  At some point during the night- I think I may have been dreaming-  Hannah and I had this weird, long, mostly asleep,  conversation about a bat getting into our room.  We were both freaking out. The bats are like the size of an eagle here- and we have bars over our windows, so yeah, I don't know what the heck. At some point I realized the electricity was on and I woke up thinking, "I've got to do something while the powers on!  I need to take advantage of this time!  It's not gonna stay on forever!"  Then the imams go off singing at 5am this morning.  And then the workers start pounding sheet metal with hammers after that...lol
The entire family woke up plotting murderous revenge on all the animals.  Ideas involving sling shots, bow and arrows and pistols were all discussed...and rejected. haha  Mom walked around town today waking up all the dogs so they would sleep tonight, and, you know what-  we actually haven't heard them.  But, I'm sitting here listening to the screech owl..haha..
And there you have it.  These are some of today's odd happenings. ;)

Well- the electricity has been off and on- mostly off- yesterday and today. Oh. It is SO hot! It went off last night, and it gets so hot without a fan going that it wakes us up in the middle of the night.  We don't have AC-just ceiling fans, so it's never really cool, just bearable. ;)  Imagine 95 degree weather without a breeze- and there's no where else to go that's cool. Some days- especially when it's off a lot- it gets pretty annoying.  We met a family who just moved to Cox's Bazaar.  They felt like God told them to come here and so they just sold all of their stuff and moved here. We were told that they have nothing- no beds- no fans- nothing. They have a small boy.  I just can't imagine trying to live here without a fan!  I heard someone bought them one, I was really glad to hear that. And, if I start thinking it's unbearably hot in here, I just have to remember the hospital.  That was the hottest place I have ever been.
Yesterday we went and visited Suranjit's sister, Moonie.  On the way over there we walk past the hospital.  We saw the saddest thing!  A young woman with, what appeared to be, her husband were driving by in a rickshaw.  They both looked sickly, so thin and frail.  At first we thought she was sick and then we realized that she was holding her husband in the rickshaw so he wouldn't fall out.  His eyes were rolling back in his head and he was kind of falling over.  He literally looked like he was going to die.  It was one of the saddest things I have ever seen.
Speaking of which-  Dad has been really, really sick for a few days now.  I haven't seem him this sick in a long time.  We thought he was feeling a little better yesterday, but he says it's worse today. Sounds like whatever he has Suranjit has also.  It's gotta be really bad being sick in this heat. :-/

Psalm 42

As the hart panteth after the waterbrooks, 

so panteth my soul after Thee, O God.

My soul thirsteth for God for the living God:

When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my meat day and night, 

while they say continually unto me, 

'Where is thy God?'

When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me:

For I had gone with the multitude,

I went with them to the house of my God,

with the voice of joy and praise,

with a multitude that kept the holy day.

Why art thou cast down oh my soul?

and why are thou disquited within me?

Hope thou in God- for I shall yet praise Him,

for the help of His countenance.

O my God, my soul is cast down withing me,

therefore will I remember Thee from the land of Jordan,

and of the Hermonites, from the hill of Mizar.

Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of Thy waterspouts:

all Thy waves and billows are gone over me.

Yes the Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,

and in the night His song shall be with me,

and my prayer unto the God of my life.

I will say unto God, my Rock,

Why hast Thous forgotten me?

Why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

As with a sword in my bones, mine enemies reproach me;

while they say daily unto me, 'Where is thy God?'

Why art thou cast down, O my soul?

and why art thou disquited withing me?

Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise Him,

who is the health of my countenance,

and my God."

Welll...what can I say?

On the bright side- the group of young people we met from YWAM came over today because they are leaving Cox's Bazar on Friday and they wanted to say goodbye.  As we talked with them and prayed with them, I was once again really blessed and humbled by them, by their love for Jesus, and by the fact that we all literally feel like family even though we've only known them for a couple weeks.  We speak different languages, and come from different backgrounds and know very little about each other.  It's just amazing the unity and fellowship we all feel with each other.  I needed that today- it was so refreshing to me.

And- it was a lot cooler outside.  And when the electricity went off, we weren't dying. ;)

I feel so up-and-down these days.  I find that I am not so much seeking Jesus because I should but because I need to.  I feel so discouraged, in so many areas...  It's hard, and yet- I know it's good because my need for Jesus is becoming more and more obvious.

I feel like I am failing.  I go to bed at night and I think, "Well, I may as well just stamp this day with 'failed'!"

So, I am seeking Jesus.  Because I just don't have it in me to do this.  Because I cannot find peace or contentment without Him.  Because life is too scary to face alone.  Because I am overwhelmed in almost every area of my life.  Because He is the only one who is constantly reassuring me that I have nothing to worry about- nothing to fear- that all will be right.

I am never so content as when I realize everything, all of this inward turmoil that I cannot even put into words, all the unrest, all the fear, all the aching, all the everyday outward trying circumstances- it's all in His hands.  And He has it all under control.

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed upon thee, because he trusteth in Thee."

Yesterday.. was just one of those days.  You know, I think I kind of forgot how revealing being with your family is.  It's like you get to see every bad thing about you all the time. 
Yesterday nothing went right.  I was making eggs for breakfast and the lid came off of the salt which left the eggs buried underneath about a cup of salt.  We were expecting company around 6:00, so I knew I needed to go get groceries (no small job!) before they came and get things ready.  So mom and the boys and I went out- couldn't find the place and all that... It was very stressful.  I came home and then I needed to go to another store, and I only had a couple of hours before they came to make dessert. So we left in the pouring rain, went and bought butter and 2 KGs of over-priced apples and came home dripping wet.  I peeled and cored all of the apples and handed the bowl of apples to emily to go wash and the bowl of peelings to trow away.  So she walks in there and accidentally throws the apples away.  I couldn't believe it.  2-3 hours of work just gone.  And people on the way, and not much time to make anything else. I basically wanted to cry.  Which is kind of laughable now, but it definitely wasn't yesterday!  So, I decided maybe I had enough time to make brownies before they came.  Aaaaand... I forgot to turn the top of the oven off so they were totally black on top.  It was so ridiculous.  And after all that.  They never even came. So we sat around in the dark and dressed nicely with our makeup and hair done, no place to go, nothing to do with burnt brownies. haha..  The stress of daily life, plus the daily commentary on you and what you do, plus the feelings of my own inadequacy, plus a bunch of other little annoyances... I pretty much just went to bed and cried.
It's pretty weird that, even being in a totally new and different place.. life is pretty much the same.  There is the daily struggle of feeling content.  In some ways feeling like this is exactly where I should be and want to be- in other ways feeling like it's not at all where I should/want to be.  There's the inner feeling of failure and inadequacy and feeling like I just don't have it in me, that I just can't cope.  There's the feeling of such frustration with life, frustration with people, frustration with myself...  I admit, I just wanted to lay in bed this morning and not get up. Sometimes I want to run away and I realize, there's no where to run.  Because, in reality, the problem is me.  Right now- I guess there's some major refining going on with me.  haha... it's not fun.  Necessary maybe, but it's really hard.  And I am trying to learn to be content with whatever place I am in.  And I do not mean Bangladesh-  I truly love this place.  It's more the place I am at in life- sometimes it just seems like I should not still be here...sometimes it seems like I'm dealing with the same thing I've been dealing with my entire life.  And it gets pretty boring and frustrating. :-/

My morning coffee is quite tasty.. instant though it may be. ;)  I could really go for a quad-shot over ice... Guess that'll have to wait.
So, interesting experience of the day-  Yesterday I went with Isaac to the beach and then we went to the vegetable market.  On the way home this man, maybe in his late 30's?  Says hello aaand...he starts following us and asking us questions..  "Where are you from?  How long will you stay?  Who are you here with?  Is this your son?  Are you married?"  All the typical questions we get over here..  Didn't really think too much of it, especially with him being significantly older than me! Then he started telling me how he want to learn to speak English better and wondered of he could have my number so he could practice English and we could talk.  No- I told him- I don't have my own phone, I just use my dad's phone when I need one.  But, I told him, you could talk to my dad and that my dad wouldn't like me talking alone with men... "Oh! he says, I am only interested in learning English!"  ...  Then he starts going off on this big long speech where he basically said that he gets really  nervous about speaking in English with people but I dunno, he didn't feel nervous talking to me or something?  So he asked if I spend a lot of time at home and I told him I did.  At this point I'm back at my apartment building.  Then he says, "Maybe the next time you go to the beach... you could call me and we could go there together?"  I told him again my Dad would not like it.  "Oh, what can I do then?"  he says. So I told him again he could talk to my dad and that I would go upstairs to my apartment and get him.  "Oh!" he says, "Is he, uuuh... normal?  oooor... uhhhh?  you know? scary?? "  haha...  Anyways I went upstairs and told dad he was waiting so dad went down.. he saw the guy but apparently the man really was not interested in talking to him...haha... oh my gosh.
Our landlady pretty much watches everything we do and tells us what we shouldn't do and stuff... I don't know how she does it.  She's like the all seeing eye!  Apparently she saw me talking with the man and was very concerned about it so she asked Suranjit about it last night...haha.
Mom asked Suranjit if guys would do that to a Bengali girl, his eyes got big, "Oh ma-re!!"  he says, "NO!"  Apparently it's only because we're foreigners... I don't know.  It's annoying...  At least I know there's a few people who've got my back. ;)
Another thing that happened was Suranjit's sister Mone was sick the other day and had to go the hospital.  She speaks very little English, but we all really care for his family so he called and asked if we would come and pray for her.  The hospital.. oh my gosh,  it was terrible.  It's the government hospital so I guess it's particularly bad, but still. First of all, the place was filthy.  Really gross and dark and dirty.  The other thing was the excessive heat.  I have never been in a place that hot.  It was so bad.  His sister was laying on the floor because it was so crowded that there were no more beds in there.. Sometimes there were a couple people on one bed. There were basins sitting around with I don't know what in them.. and the floor was filthy.  It was so bad.  When it comes to sick people- I am the worst.  I have no idea what to say or how to help so I just awkwardly stand there.  Oh. Sometimes I hate me.
Anyways, that's some of the latest random happenings around here... ;)

I am beyond tired right now.  These days are full and busy.  I go to bed at night and can't sleep because my mind is so busy.  *sigh* ...onek chinta...
There are many things happening and lots of things that happen that I think I should write about... but it's not very often I get a hold of the computer. :-/
On Friday we got to meet a group of young people from YWAM (Youth With A Missions).  There was one American girl - so nice to find someone that really understands where you're coming from! One girl was from Papua New Guinea and there were a couple Bengali guys and one Bengali girl.  We got to visit with them a little bit at church on Friday morning, and then they came and spent Saturday at our house with us.  It was so refreshing. They all speak English well- which is so nice. haha..  It was just so encouraging/inspiring hearing their stories and why they came to Bangladesh and how God has led them to join in with ministry here.  A few of them play guitar and they just started singing these beautiful songs and just praising God.  I cannot remember the last time I enjoyed a time of worship like that.  I was so impressed by these people, and really, really humbled by their obvious love for God.  I sat there looking at them and suddenly realized that everyone sitting in that room is better than I am.  Sometimes you meet people like them and they're just well...discouraging...haha... But there was such an attractive joy and peace in their lives- I was truly encouraged by them.  Our time with them really made me desire God more than I have in a very long time. It's really amazing to sit there and feel such a love and connection with people you just met, who speak different languages, come from different countries and have totally different backgrounds from you.  It was an awesome time.  Not to mention we had coffee and cinnamon rolls. ;)
I have been able to meet a few girls around here who have invited me over, I am pretty excited about that.  They both speak some English- which is very helpful.  I want to learn this language so much.  I am super tired of not understanding anybody!!  It's going very, very slowly.  And it's pretty challenging.  But, I keep understanding more and more... so it's okay I guess...
Last night we went shopping with the lady who owns the apartments we live in.  SO funny.  We bought some really beautiful salwar kameez... pretty excited to get them back from the tailor!
Life here- it's so strange, and beautiful and different..  I really wish I could share it all...

I was right.  Pictures definitely do make it harder. :-/  And, in a way- easier.  Sometimes, being here, home feels so far away and it's like, I dunno, you forget about it.  Pictures.  I like them. :)
I was thinking last night about my desire for home. For.. just a place to be.  Coming here, being in this life, it kind of makes me afraid of always being divided.  As I grow to understand this place and to love it- it kind of scares me. Because just like I couldn't imagine not being apart of life in the States, I'm starting to feel that way about here.
It's sad here. The few Christians that there are.. they aren't really there for each other.  We have been in pretty bad times when we couldn't afford food and stuff, and there were always amazing people there to help us.  But here, we know a family who sometimes can't afford food, and they have hospital bills, no money... and nobody even knows.  Nobody makes sure they're okay.  It's really sad. And missionaries- they divide themselves sometimes, like there is a difference between American believers and Bengali believers.  And it's very painful for them.  People come, and leave, and forget about them. It's so sad to hear them talk about it. I don't want to be that way.
It really puts in perspective the selfish lives we tend to live in the states...  Not that we wouldn't help someone who needed help.  But we don't care about it because we're not seeing it.. Here it's real.  And all the things that seemed so important- just aren't.
On a different note.  This is what I really want right now.  Camping.  Up in the mountains.  I want to be cold, and to be wrapped up in a blanket, sitting around the fire, drinking coffee and talking.
I don't know why- but that's what I really want.  And. That's pretty much impossible to get here! haha.. My birthday is coming up soon, and- I actually was wondering if there was someway to plan a camping trip.  Then I decided that would probably be extremely miserable.  So... yeah.  Never mind. ;)
Every time I write something on here, I don't feel like I'm saying at all what I want to say...haha... :-/

Sooo... I am super, super bored today.  And I miss home.  A lot.
There's some political thing going on so we can't even go out of the house.
Not that there's anything to do if we did go out!
I find working really helps pass the time but, it's kinda boring too.. ;)
Yep. Pretty much that's what's going on here!
It's pretty weird not being at conference this year..  It's hard to describe.  I figured it would just be a horrible time for me.  And it is really sad and, of course, I would've loved to have been there, but in a way it feels like it's so far away.  Almost like it's another life.  I dunno- it's really weird. Different than I expected.  Hannah and I both agree that it usually hits you when you start seeing pictures.  It's funny-  at one point we thought we would be leaving for Bangladesh right after conference.  And I really hoped that we would be able to go.  But now that I think about it- that would've been really hard having to say goodbye to everyone at once.  So I'm glad things worked out the way they did I guess....
So, yeah, the daily struggle continues...such if life.