A clean slate.  A fresh start.
I have been running for way too long.  I have been foolish and blind.  Hiding from the truth, hiding from things I don't want to believe, things I don't want to hear. I have justified myself- deceived myself.  Deceived the ones who care about me most and avoided being honest because it has been too painful to deal with.
I am tired of being held back by my own fear and weakness.  How long have I chosen to stay in this miserable 'middle ground'? And why? What good has come from it?  When did I start thinking that maybe God's way wasn't best after all and that it was necessary for me to take things into my own hands?  When did I start following my own way and being angry at God for not fixing it, for not making it all right and easy? Now, looking back, I suddenly see how patiently and kindly and slowly God has dealt/ is dealing with me. And I am thankful that He has not let me go.  I am thankful that He does not give up on us, even when we totally fail- as I have done.
I do not feel stronger- I do not feel more "able".  Even as I say these things there is still pain, still hurt, still fear- but I can suddenly see the mercy and faithfulness of God again. And I want to have enough faith to trust Him enough to obey Him, leaving the consequences/results up to Him.   

Things are calm and quiet here today.  Reading and music and school and cleaning is going on.  Everything is peaceful.  Aside from my hair, which somewhat resembles an African lion.  ;) haha...

It is strange to me how fears can creep in, almost without you even noticing, and suddenly I'm restless and fearful and uncertain.  Suddenly all the rest and peace just feel like they're slipping away and I'm afraid.  I am afraid of regret- afraid of trying to do what's right and ending up being wrong.  I am afraid of heartache and loss and a hundred other things. I find myself asking, "If I lose the things that matter the most to me... will You really keep me?  Will I really be okay?  There is always the decision to either believe/trust God- or I can choose not to.  I suppose it is a constant battle- and I find myself turning to God a lot and asking Him to help me to trust Him.  I think so much fear comes from not really knowing who God is, not really believing He is good or that He has our best in mind.  But it is a choice- and I want to choose to walk in faith, trusting Him to take care of me and the ones I care about.  Trusting Him with the future, and all it's uncertainties. Trusting Him with the past, with any regrets or failures.   

"..casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you..."

 "....choose this day whom you will serve,

     but as for me, and my house, we will serve the Lord."

I am reminded this morning that it is not only the choice of a lifetime commitment to serve the Lord, but also a daily choice/decision.  Sometimes, looking at things in the long term- makes everything a little blurry.  But choosing today- which is really about all I can handle- who I will follow, makes everything seem a lot more manageable,and it helps me keep focused. 

Some days.... this place just really drives me crazy.!
I think one of the absolutely most annoying things about living here is the fact that I cannot walk out of this apartment without having someone with me. I can't just decide to do something and do it. I can't ever think, "Oh, a walk to the beach sounds nice." and walk out the door- it's always an ordeal.  It's always a matter of waiting for several people- and it frustrates me so much!
In the states it's pretty much a daily thing for me to put in a pair of headphones and go running or walking.  For me, it's always been my daily taste of freedom...haha... as lame as that sounds.  It's just the time when I'm alone and I don't have to wait for anybody, or stop, or go home when they want to.  I can't believe how much I miss that.  Sometimes this apartment really does feel like a cave- and there's just no where to escape to.  Drives me crazy.  I really miss being independent.  I don't necessarily like being alone, but I also don't like never being able to make a decision.  I don't have my own money- so I never make any decisions about what I want to buy...  I can't go anywhere alone... things like that.  I dunno- it just annoys me!  I loved living in Redmond and being able to decide I needed to do something or wanted to go somewhere and I could just.. go.  There was no coordinating or asking for money or getting permission...  I miss freedom... I knew that this was going to be hard on me.  And part of it's being here where women are just expected to act in certain ways-  I feel very rebellious at times. :-/  And part of it's just coming back and being a part of a family. And part of it's being crowded, where nothing is your own.  I don't have my own room, my own space.. sometimes I find myself fighting for things as pathetic as my own backpack!  It's just super challenging/frustrating for me....
It's been especially annoying today for some reason.  I fell asleep this afternoon and dreamed I found this huge stack of cash in my and in my dream I was thinking, "Oh! maybe it's time for me to decide when I'm going to go home..."  And there was a certain amount of panic like, "this is the only money I'll ever have as my own!  I have to save this!" haha....
That said- and I'm sure it sounds beyond pathetic. :-/, I am trying to keep in mind that this is only for a time- only a season.  I guess I am a little discouraged because I thought we were nearing the 5 month mark of being here, and then I realized it's only been 4 months. That sounds like so little...it sounds like nothing! Sometimes I feel very much like it's time to move on, but then I realize that the opportunity is not here now.  And I don't want to miss the good things about today in a mad rush to get to the next thing.  This is apparently where God has me at today- and I want to learn to be content, despite the challenges/frustrations.  I'm trying to remain calm and stable- taking deep breaths- and avoiding going crazy. ;)

Hannah and I taught school this morning... I really don't like it.  It's not at all how I imagined teaching would be.  You basically just scream- literally scream- repetitions of number or words over and over and over... It is SO boring.!  And I don't have a very loud voice so I'm trying to get as loud as I can and I start losing my voice...haha..  It's so awkward and uncomfortable.  I have no idea what they are expecting. To top it off I noticed that one of the teachers had spelled 40 on the board like 'FORTY'... So, I decided I needed to correct it to 'FOURTY'..  yeah. 3 teaches were all discussing it and seemed pretty concerned.  I couldn't figure it out. Until I came upstairs and my parents told me it is spelled 'FORTY'. *face palm*  Maybe they'll fire me.  That'd be good. ;)
Oddly enough, where I was reading in my Bible this morning had the word 'forty' in it like 8 times- maybe it's sign I should read my Bible before school... ;)
We skyped with my brothers this morning- I miss those guys so much. :-/ Now we're preparing for Chandra to leave- getting her all packed and buying stuff.  We bought my nieces these adorable little Bangali outfits.
We took Chandra out for tea this afternoon and then we went out for ice cream at the beach tonight.  I have been wanting to go swimming at night, so some of us decided we'd go... aaaaand... it was freezing! haha... pretty lame...  It is rare to ever feel cold here though!

We did a king of 'spur-of-the-moment' thing today.  Joel told Chandra that she had to go on a boat ride while she was here.  Well, she's leaving Wednesday, Austin thought we should go today.  So we skipped class- bonus! ;)
Suranjit knew of an island where nobody lives- which I didn't even know existed here! ;) So we rented a speed boat- even getting to the speed boat was quite an experience.  We, along with a bunch of other people, walked across this wooden board walk thing.  It was over this nasty, dirty creek that had pieces of trash floating in it.  Not gonna lie- I was a little nervous!  It was pretty flimsy!  Then 2 boat driver got into an argument about who would take us, and it was boiling hot...haha... such is Bangladesh!  Nothing goes very fast.
There are boats there that look like they were from ancient times- they are so cool.
We drove out along the river and into the ocean.  It was so peaceful. Wind and water and sunshine.
There was nobody but us.  The island had nobody but us on it.  It was SO refreshing.  We swam, and had a Bangali picnic- they package rice and dhal and biryani with fresh vegetables in little plastic bags...it's pretty amusing.  ;)  I decided I would try running a little bit, since there was nobody there to stare or comment.  And I didn't even have to wear an orna!  It was sooo nice.  I really, really miss running. We just had a nice time, chasing crabs and finding sea shells, sitting in the sand and watching fishermen....
We just got home and I'm tired and sandy and muddy and wet and sunburned...
I feel so incredibly peaceful as I sit her drinking some coffee... aaahh shanti. :)

Things have been very quiet here lately. Peaceful actually! I'm sitting in a cafe right now drinking tea. . It's so relaxing. Life is continuously routine here- cooking cleaning studying reading movies- trips to the market. But it's been okay lately. And that pretty much explains my lack of posting. There's nothing new to write about! :-/  I can't believe Chandra's month here had already come to an end- it's gone by so fast. Her coming makes me realize my world really isn't that far away. That's a good feeling. Because of the political unrest/violence here lately, none of us girls get to go to Dhaka with Chandra and Austin. It's a bummer. But at least we get a few days off of school! ;) and that pretty much sums up life lately. Lame. I know. 

These have been good days- it's really strange to me- considering the total collapse I had last week. My circumstances have not changed at all but everything feels new and refreshed, and I don't feel worried or lost or afraid anymore.  I don't know what changed, or how it changed- but I suddenly feel so 'un-burdened' now.  And I feel new strength to keep going, keep moving forward, keep seeking God.  I am really, really thankful for that. And perhaps there will be more break-downs in the future, I don't know- but for now, I am at peace.
Emily wrote me this note the other day:

 "Caley, I want to tell you that you are awesome.

You make my days happier, funner, brighter and crazier.

You inspire me to work harder, be happier, think of others and to laugh more. 

Everyone is happy when they are with you.

You encourage me when I am depressed.

You understand me in ways others cannot.

I love you! Never change... or you will break my heart.

Keep being awesome,

Emily"

When I came I wanted to be here for my family- to support them in all of this.   I have felt like a total failure at that since I've been here.  How can I be a support them when I am falling apart? Emily's note really encouraged me though- perhaps not all is lost. ;)

Today Isaac came in my room and laid by my feet while I was reading this morning. And I realized how thankful I am to be here with him, to be a part of his everyday life- seeing him and Jackson here has been amazing. I don't want to miss the beauty and purpose of today in my rush to get to the future.  I too quickly forget that this is only a season, that will pass all too soon...  We have been here for almost 5 months and it has flown by!  I don't want to miss it.

When I first felt like God was telling me to come here, for whatever reason, I felt like He told me this would be the last opportunity I had to be in this position with my family and that I should not waste it.  I'm afraid I have forgotten that too often!  I don't want to waste these days.

So this week I have taken silly pictures with Emily, had pinching wars with Isaac and laughed so hard with my sister that I thought I was going to drown in the ocean.  I have danced on the street.  I have sang songs and made up songs and I have been even weirder than I normally am.  ;)  I have looked like an idiot teaching little Bangali kids English with Hannah.  And so it goes- it has been a busy week, but it has been a good one.

Now I think I am losing my voice though- that's kind of a bummer.  :-/

I recently read through a book called The Insanity of God.  It talks a lot about the persecuted church and why God allows difficulty and hardship in our lives. I'm sure it was timely for me- not that I know anything relatively close to the suffering those people have endured- but it was a really encouraging book for me.  It's mostly just stories of people whose faith survived under the most difficult of circumstances.  I highly recommend it.  Anyways- one of the things he wrote about was how many Christians he talked to always talked about how music was one of the biggest things that got them through difficult times.  These last few days many songs have been playing over and over in my head.  Oddly enough one song is from a children's movie about Joseph- it says-

"I thought I did what's right. I thought I had the answers.  I thought I chose the surest road, but that road brought me here.  So I put up a fight, and told you how to help me.  Now just as I have given up, the truth is coming clear."

"You know better than I.  You know the way.  I've let go the need to know why, for You know better than I."

"If this has been a test, I cannot see the reason- but maybe knowing I don't know is part of getting through.  I try to do what's best, and faith has made it easy to see the best thing I can do is put my trust in You."

"You know better than I.  You know the way.  I've let go the need to know why, for You know better than I."

I cannot deny that even as I try to take steps forward- I am very afraid and uncertain. I have been so afraid that I felt like I couldn't breath!  But I have been reminded that it is often hardships, trials and difficulties that God uses to bring Him to Himself.   

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee" ~Psalms 56:3

I guess I can't honestly say that things have been going well here- they have been pretty rough.  I am not sure I have ever felt quite so broken or  quite so hopeless.  After a conversation with my mom I basically well, just ran away from home.  I just suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe, like I couldn't take it anymore. I felt trapped and I just wanted to run away as fast and as hard as I could until I couldn't go anymore.  Sadly, there's no where to go and I just found myself walking down the beach. So angry and frustrated and saying. "God!  Why have you made it so hard when you could have made it so easy?! Why have you made it so easy for some people and so difficult for others? What have I not lost? I know you said your way is perfect, but surely this cannot be your way.  It hurts too much! And you keep asking for more!  Can't you just leave this alone?  Just let me have this?"
I have been so frustrated.  So confused. I suddenly felt like I was looking at my life and all I could see was failure. Everything I have tried to do, everything I endeavored to be - I have failed at.  Everything that was supposed to work- hasn't.  Nothing has turned out "right".  Nothing has gone the way it was "supposed to."  Every lofty ambition I have had was suddenly reduced to  nothing more than a  pathetic girl sitting alone on a beach totally empty and broken and bitter towards life.  A girl already weary and tired of life.
I started thinking about my life- the different choices I have made.  They were not easy choices- they often came with a lot of sacrifice.  But I made them because I believed that they were the right choices to make.  It seems pathetic to say, because I personally know people who have given up so much more than I have- but suddenly all the difficulty of the last 6 or 7 years seemed to be on my shoulders right then, and they seemed so hard, and worse than that- they seemed pointless.
I had to ask myself if any of the sacrifice was worth it.  I had nothing to write on with me so I wrote in the sand everything I felt that I was, everything I am afraid of .. alone, pointless, empty, failure,without purpose....
I guess it's really impossible to write everything I was feeling at the time.  I stayed there for 3 hours..  and there didn't seem to be any answers.  There didn't seem to be any hope.  It is scary to find yourself questioning everything and asking, "Was it worth it or has all this loss just been pointless?"  It's also scary to find yourself pointing at others and asking, "Why do they get everything so easily?  While I keep having to give up things?!"  
I came home and went to bed- feeling so heavy-hearted.  And I just spent the rest of the day feeling tormented and troubled. The next morning I still felt miserable- wondering what I could do to change all of this.  One night I just broke down and told my mom, "I am tired of life!  I am disappointed in everything!  Nothing has turned out right!  And I have failed at everything!"   
I went out on our veranda and just sobbed- everything felt so hopeless, and I felt so helplessly lost.  
My dad came out to talk to me, and gave me some big things to think about.  He encouraged me to not be so quick to live by what I feel- but by what I know.  He also encouraged me to be careful not to rely on other people or on other things to make me 'okay'- but to rely on Christ alone, because- obviously, people fail where Jesus does not.  And He also reminded me that a commitment to Jesus is not one where you let go of the rope a little at a time- you have to let go all at once. And then I cried on his shoulder as he prayed for me.. ;)  I am sure he said it all so much more clearly than that- but that's what stood out to me.
I cannot say that everything is all wonderful and bright now- but I am finding at least some hope now.  My mind has been very busy these last few days- and I don't really feel that I am expressing myself as clearly as I would like to.  What I have mostly been considering is the part about letting go of the rope- all at once. I have been afraid to do that- I have not had the faith to believe that Jesus is enough.  And I fear this God who is so jealous of His people that He will and must be first in their hearts.  I am afraid of things I might lose, people I might lose, afraid of a hard like of sacrifice- terrified really.  I am afraid to surrender to a God who may ask me for things that make me feel like I am dying inside to give up.  I am counting the cost- I am asking again, "It is worth it?"  I feel like I am asking that question again with more knowledge of what pain saying 'yes' may come with.
Am I willing to let go of the rope and trust God? 

I find when I am constantly focusing on the future I am either filling today with discontentment or with fear.  I need to learn to walk with Jesus.  Just focusing on today.


Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best—
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest. 

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He Whose Name is Counselor and Power;
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
Ever to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

As pathetic as this may sound- I really, really miss easy Internet access.
The fact that you have to *pay* for slow Internet? SO annoying. I really want to get a phone here with Internet. They're actually pretty inexpensive- and the I tee era like $12 a month. Maybe one of these days that'll work out. That would be so nice!
If you talk to any foreign western person here they'll tell you- you gotta find an
outlet. Some place to get away from it all. Most days even going back into our apartment
feels like a cage! I'm really thankful we live in a town here that has nice hotels
and even a coffee shop! Coxs is pretty limited in a lot of aspects, but at least
we don't have the ridiculous amounts of people that Chittagong and Dhaka have.
These "escapes" keep me sane. I wish I could come here everyday by myself.
That would be amazing!
Speaking of escapes- we are talking about some of us going to Dhaka and Chittagong with Austin and Chandra. That would be SO fun. Just going around seeing some lane tourist-y kinda things and doing some shopping we can't do here. But- just getting away for awhile! Something to break up the monotony!
I'm afraid Chandra's probably not having a very good time. It just boring and bland here.
We have started language class again and the kiddos are doing their school, so we stay pretty busy actually.
There's little  taste of the everyday here! ;)