What Is Your Aim?

Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works. (Hebrews 10:24)

When you get up in the morning and you face a day, what do you say to yourself about your hopes for the day? When you look from the beginning of the day to the end of the day, what do you want to happen because you have lived?

If you say, “I don’t even think like that, I just get up and do what I’ve got to do,” then you are cutting yourself off from a basic means of grace and a source of guidance and strength and fruitfulness and joy. It is crystal clear in the Bible, including this text, that God means for us to aim consciously at something significant in our days.

God’s revealed will for you is that when you get up in the morning, you don’t drift aimlessly through the day letting mere circumstances alone dictate what you do, but that you aim at something — that you focus on a certain kind of purpose. I’m talking about children here, and teenagers, and adults — single, married, widowed, moms, and every trade.

Aimlessness is akin to lifelessness. Dead leaves in the back yard may move around more than anything else — more than the dog, more than the children. The wind blows this way, they go this way. The wind blows that way, they go that way. They tumble, they bounce, they skip, they press against a fence, but they have no aim whatsoever. They are full of motion and empty of life.

God did not create humans in his image to be aimless, like lifeless leaves blown around in the backyard of life. He created us to be purposeful — to have a focus and an aim for all our days. What is yours today?

Another week has come and gone- quickly. And, honestly, as I'm reflecting back about the last week.... I'm not really sure what I've been doing. Busy- as always. But it doesn't seem like I've accomplished too much or had much time for quiet...or thinking. The truth is- its been a rough week. And I'm afraid I don't deal we'll with stressful situations- being the over-thinking person that I am. And so when there's stress- my peace and quietness and rest just fanish. I become absorbed in the problem- hot to fix it, what I'm supposed to do... whatever. It's interesting that the thankfulness challenge thing was this week- it was a weird clash. Looking for things to be thankful for but being stressed? Yeah. Great combo. So, after a particularly stressful day, I decided to just go for a run. I left my music at home this time because I felt pretty certain my thoughts were loud enough to meet my need of being distracted while I run. ;) I found myself sitting in the grass on one of my favorite little hill tops near the Old Mill District. Feeling pretty tired and frustrated- I just started telling God how...well, tired and frustrated I was! After awhile of pouring all my thoughts out to Him I finally just said, "God, the worst part is I had felt so at peace and then THIS happened and now all my peace is gone!" That's when it hit me. My peace is gone why? Because God has failed me? Because God is unfaithful? Because Gods not in control? No. Only because my circumstances or the event of the day had changed. Which made me wonder- what is my peace and rest really grounded in? God? Or my current situation? After realizing that,  more important than a stressful circumstance, is my attitude toward a stressful circumstance. Don't I believe that I can have peace in God even when things don't seem to be going well? Isn't God still in control? Then my prayer, instead of asking God to change the circumstance, was to ask Him to change me/my heart/my attitude during the circumstance. To help me to trust Him with it- the there's really no reason why i should be walking around moody or worried or stressed. So, while I may have missed out on quiet and peace this week? Here's to a more quiet and peaceful next week! ;)

".... and He took the loaves and gave thanks, and brake,

and gave to His disciples to set before them,

and they did set before the people."

~ Mark 8:6

In order to have anything to give to others, you must first be receiving from Jesus.  The best thing you can do for others is to have a strong relationship with Jesus.  To be walking with Him, hearing from Him daily. "Knowing God, and spending time with Him are the only ways that He is going to increase and we are going to decrease."  Just some gleanings from this Sunday's meeting... 

I was encouraged last night talking to a good friend. We were discussing the same thing we've pretty much been discussing for, well, years!  What's my "calling"? What am I supposed to be doing with my life? What's the point? What's the goal? Where am I going? I think as we get older- okay, not really that old- but a little older..haha.. We become more and more concerned. "Shouldn't I at least have an idea about Gods will for my future by now? Shouldn't I be going somewhere?" 

Over the last few years I've been *doing* a lot of things. Surprisingly none of which has made me feel holier, closer to God or more directed as an individual. Which leads me to believe that maybe its not "the big things" that are actually the important things. In my focus on wanting to "do something with my life", maybe I have missed the importance of just the daily walk with Jesus. Daily seeking him, daily reading his word, daily bringing him the cares and worries and joys of the day, hearing his voice.. that is the big thing. Not being in the training program or being on the mission field.. those may be good things, and God certainly uses them in our lives. But I have learned firsthand that you can be doing those things and that does not necessarily mean you are walking with Jesus.

We tend to compartmentalism our lives- the spiritual things we do and the normal things. I think we miss so much in that way of thinking! So whether I am on the mission field or just doing the normal things like working and shopping and cleaning... it doesn't matter. What matters is my daily decision to be a disciple of Jesus and to follow Him. That is my calling. To follow Him. And, where he leads me and what he shows me to do? Well, that is up to him, in his hands and in his timing. And he is faithful to lead us and to show us his will if we truly desire it.

I read this this morning and found it applicable:

"Gods will for you is that when you get up in the morning you don't drift aimlessly through the day letting mere circumstance dictate what you do, but that you aim at something- that you focus on ascertain kind of purpose. Aimlessness is akin to lifelessness." - John Piper

I have missed these quiet, peaceful moments.  It is so nice to finally stop moving.  To unpack, to read my Bible in the morning, to go for a walk, to sit in a coffee shop, to spend time alone, to spend time in prayer, to listen to music, to sleep...  quiet.  You don't realize how nice it is until it's gone!
I am sure this time will go by all too fast and soon I'll be working again and busy- but, for now- I'm just enjoying this season of quiet. :)
I have been spending a lot of time looking for work, applying at different places and all that. Sometimes I get a little freaked out about it. Thinking about when my family leaves, about living alone, about the cost of rent, fuel, food, bills... Sometimes it sounds like a lot- and it looks pretty overwhelming!  But, it is in times like these that I am so thankful that I have a God who is faithful- who provides for my needs- who knows all that lies ahead of me.  He truly is my Rock.  And, I'm even thankful that, even though it is often not easy or comfortable, He keeps putting me in a position where I have no choice but to rely on Him. And I am thankful to find He is always there.
And, not just for me- but also for the ones I care about.  I know my family- all of us- have some huge changes and difficulties ahead.  I have really been concerned for those in my family who are going back to Bangladesh.  It's so hard there... and I worry for them.  But, again, in the end- God is faithful. And I am grateful that I can just give Him all those worries and fears and troubles.

"Casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you."

We finally made it to Bend.  And it actually feels like coming home.  I'm very glad... it feels good to be back.  Walking into our new apartment was so nice... everything was so nice, and clean and ready for us!  I am really, really thankful.  It's awesome. :)  And now, the search for a job begins.. I'm just trusting God's gonna put me in the right place.  All the same- it's a little daunting.  There's a lot of changes going on in my life right now!

Conference was great this year- different, but in a good way. :) I honestly had expected to really enjoy the teaching/meetings more than I did... but I still could see where God has been speaking to my heart about my attitude towards other people. I was really encouraged by different conversations with people and several testimonies that were shared.. and convicted about my quickness in judging people or dismissing them simply because they are either too holy or not holy enough for my standards. I want to have a gracious heart towards people, that allows for differences and gives people room for growth and change. Just as I would want people to deal with me! I want to be quick to see the good things in people.  It's so easy to evaluate people based on outwards things- and not on their heart.  It's easy to misunderstand people when they are going through a difficult time. Or to judge them based on past failures. It's difficult to show them grace and patience. I was just convicted about my quickness in judging people and being dismissive with them and how little I actually pray for them.  I read these verses in Romans yesterday, kind of a lot I know, but I they were very meaningful to me. ;)

"Who are though that judgest another man's servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth.  Ya, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand." -Rom. 4:4

"We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves." -Rom. 15:1

"Let's decide not to do anything that will cause a problem for a brother or sister or hurt their faith. " -Rom. 14:13 ERV

"Christ accepted you, so you should accept each other.  This will bring honor to God." -Rom. 15:7 ERV

I was also just really encouraged to see God's faithfulness in people's lives. I don't know how many people I heard say they were going through a hard time- or even the hardest time of their lives- but God has been faithful to keep them and they still have a heart to follow Him. And, it was also very relate able for me this past year. So, we're all messy people with all these problems, but God is so faithful to keep us.  And that's awesome. :)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LuvfMDhTyMA

There was one day in Bangladesh when I was walking home from the vegetable market.  Hot and sweaty as usual, carrying sacks of vegetables down a dirty, stinky alley way and wishing so much that I was standing on a mountain again.

There aren't many places that feel like home- even here- the place where I grew up.  But there is just something about being in the mountains again that just.. brings me back.  I love it.  It's where I grew up loving to be.

Yesterday my cousins and I drove up to the local ski resort to pick huckleberries. We pulled up to the place and my cousin exclaims, "We can't pick huckleberries when there's a bear right there!" And, sure enough, there was a bear... but we just chased it off and picked berries anyways. ;)

Today we hiked up to Mystic Lake.  Which is a place we've been going for as long as I can remember.  I made it up to the lake first and had a good 15-20 minutes just sitting there on a rock by the lake, alone, eating my cliff bar, watching fish jump and just sitting in the sunshine taking it all in...  It was amazing. The jagged mountain peaks and blue, clear water....  I was just so happy and peaceful and..in my element I guess. 

It's just the kind of place that makes it difficult not to be really thankful and happy. :)

http://www.thomasumstattd.com/2014/08/courtship-fundamentally-flawed/

Hannah read this to me this morning... I found myself agreeing A LOT. Interesting and refreshing perspective.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XWTQCqEP9UM

As I sit out here in the quiet and the sunshine, it's difficult to believe that my brother's wedding day has come and gone already. It was so beautiful, and I could not be happier for them. I can not imagine not being there, it meant so much being a part of their wedding. And now I have gained a sister and a friend. And life is forever changed.. but in a good way. :) Standing up there with them I couldn't help but think on how unexpected life can be. I never saw them coming.. but it's so good, and they are beautiful together. My brother is awesome, and so is the girl he married. And, maybe it a little selfish.. but I love how much they include me. ;) It meant the world to have John come up and put his arm around me at his wedding.

I just love those guys, and I am so excited and happy for them as they start their lives together.

It feels wonderful to be home.  I feel so.. happy and peaceful.  I don't think I can remember a time in Bangaldesh where I ever really felt quiet, restful or peaceful.  Now that I've stepped out of that world I can see it more clearly.  I can see how hard it really was.  And I am so thankful now to be back home and for all the little things I keep seeing and realizing I haven't had for the past year.  It's so nice to look up and see my beautiful nieces sitting there beside me.  To be surrounded by people I love.  To go crawl into bed and actually sleep well.  To wake up and be excited for the day.  To get my Bible and a cup of coffee and a warm blanket and feel quiet and peaceful.  To be able to walk outside and go for a run when I want to.  To feel sun on my skin.  To be able to drive.  To go to church and be able to understand it!  To feel cold!  Hot showers and dishwashers and nice smelling soap, salads and good food, independence and freedom, american clothes and how it feels not to be different anymore.  Yeah, I'm really glad to be home. :)

This morning I got up in Dhaka, Bangladesh. Its funny to think about how Dhaka seemed like the end of the world when we first got there, now it seems so...normal. I ate in disgusting restaurants, ate off of the street, walked through dirt and trash and filth, heard that  the bathroom was full of cockroaches, brushed my teeth in the tap water and thought nothing of it. I wear my three-piece, carefully keeping my orna on, as i walk past thousands and thousands of people. Not even the crowds and noise and business is strange to me anymore. And even  Dhaka seems like re-entering civilization compared to Coxs Bazaar! As I walked around I even wondered why everything about Bangladesh had ever really seemed so strange, because it has become so normal and familiar to me. It's just not shocking anymore. 

This morning as we flew away from the familiar landscape of Bangladesh, I tried to take it all in. The crumbling buildings all crowded together, muddy rivers, vivid green trees and grass and the red dirt. It felt strange to leave. And to leave so changed.

The real shock came though, when we entered the Mumbai airport. I think my mouth was hanging open. Seriously. I saw a stand selling Lindt chocolates and I actually skipped and giggled. I know.. but seriously, I can't believe this place. I just sat down and stated and tried to wrap my mind around this and could have cried. This is normal? Instead of feeling like coming home, like I expected. I feel so confused! The cleanliness, no one is watching me, everything smells like perfume, everything is shining. I went from being treated like royalty to actually being too embarrassed to go into these shops. I feel.. embarrassed and uncomfortable, shabby and poor and uncertain.  I feel people looking down on me. 

It is all so strange. It feels like I have stepped out of time and out of the world and then suddenly stepped back in. Like I have been to the moon- and nobody here knows, or could possibly understand. 

We are just wrapping up our final day here in Cox's.  It feels pretty strange...  cleaning, shopping, packing, laundry, goodbyes.  I keep having these "duh moments" where I'm like, "OH MY GOSH. We are getting on a plane and flying away from here!!"  haha.. I don't know.. it's just a really bizarre feeling!
Yesterday we went to the beach, played volleyball went swimming, ate jhal muri, had bengali food for dinner....  It was a really nice day.  I wonder what the things are that I will miss when I'm gone. And I wonder what things I will see totally different in the States now.
We leave for Dhaka tomorrow night so today and tomorrow are going to be packed... but I'm excited.  I can't wait to be home!! :D

"There is a lad here, which hath five loaves and two fishes:

but what are they among so many?"

   Just thinking this morning about the many,many times that the need of the moment has far outweighed what is in my ability to give.  As in like- a daily occurrence!  The many times when I give it my all, give it my best- and it still comes up short.  When all I have to give is simply - not enough.

   In those times of realizing and coming face-to-face with my own lack and inability.  My immediate reaction is to feel discouraged, hopeless, condemned, guilty, despairing.... and maybe even to just give up.  My question is also, "What is so little going to do with so great a need?"

   And yet, this is the place that it seems God is continually bringing me to. It is true that God brings us into circumstances that are difficult. He asks us to do things that He knows we cannot possibly do.  Why?

  Not with the purpose of discouraging us.  He shows us our own weakness and inability yes, but not with the intention of us despairing or giving up. In those places He wants us to look beyond our inability to Jesus.  He brings us here with the intention of showing the power of God in our lives. He takes us to places that are beyond us so that He can show us that they are not beyond Him. 

   He can take the boys five loaves and 2 fishes and feed the five thousand.  And He can also take what little we have to give- worthless and pathetic as it may be- and, when He uses it- it is more than enough to cover the need.

  "This is the work of God: the ye might believe on Him

whom He hath sent."

It's another rainy day here in Bangladesh.  I am incredibly thankful for these cool, cozy days.  And for nights where I actually wish I had another blanket!
Yesterday, I decided to go through all my things - I say that like there is so much! ;)  I sorted through it all, packed up everything that I won't need in the next 2 weeks and put it in a suitcase. It's kind of... surreal.  Only 2 weeks left!  It's strange- coming to the end of something.  Kind of sad.  But I have decided not to allow myself to be focused on the sad things so that I can really enjoy the good things.  It's easy to jump ahead to how hard it will be when my family comes back here without me and things like that, but I have to remind myself that that is not today- and I don't want to be so focused on some far-off difficulty in the future that I miss out on today.
I have been reflecting a lot on the past year here.  I can't believe it's been a year!  Thinking back to when we first got here, how ridiculously challenging it was. I am sure we still have a lot to learn, but we have really come so far!  We've actually learned how to survive in this crazy country! haha..
I guess I had a lot of ideas in my head about how things would be here, things we would be doing, how things would feel and how things would look like.  It's funny now because it has been so other than what I expected...  but it has been really good.  Really, really hard- but good. It has been incredibly humbling- if not humiliating.  I have been pushed beyond what I can handle in almost very way, come up short, failed... totally missed the mark.  And, that is not a bad thing because I now see Jesus in a totally new light.
I have been reading through the Gospels lately.  It's strange to read through them now because the way New Testament Israel was is so comparable to how Bangladesh is today.  The religious self righteous people, the poor, the sick, the crippled, the hungry.. everyone being needy. The hypocrisy and lies- people trying to take advantage of Jesus- just to get a loaf of bread or a fish. The constant crowds.. Everyone looking to you for something.  I can't help but compare how we have dealt with similar things (on a far lesser level of course), and have really been at a loss as to what we should do , how to do it, who to help, who to trust... we have been pushed beyond what we can handle so easily!  And yet, Jesus always knew exactly what to do, who to help.  It amazes me.  He could walk through a crowd of people who all wanted His attention and His help- and he would heal one or a few...   It's hard to describe the constant pressure and guilt you feel here because it seems like everyone is looking to you for something.  But it didn't phase Him- He just did what His Father told him to do.  While it has been a humbling experience for me to see my own lack and inefficiency...  I am definitely more amazed by Jesus.  And, that really brings meaning to the entire experience here. 

Bangladesh is just a crazy country. It's ridiculous.  I mean- you spend all this time here and you still are constantly being surprised and still trying to figure things out.
A few weeks back mom and dad were walking on this hill nearby.  There was a big group of guys at the top and dad asked them what was going on.  They told dad that 4 guys had dragged a girl off into the jungle and they were looking for them.  But, they were too afraid to go into the jungle I guess.  They even tried to stop dad when he went looking for her, telling him how dangerous it was.  Finally, Mom told one of the guys, "My husband must do what is right.  He must go to bed tonight and know he tried to help that girl.  He must know that he did what is right before God."  Which, I guess he understood.  But, nobody seemed too concerned or really upset about it... the whole thing was just strange!  And just shocking that they wouldn't help that girl. Even when we told people about what happened they say, "Oh yes.. very bad men.."  But, it's like it's not ... abnormal...  It is bizarre.
Last night, mom and I were walking on that same hill and we passed a woman dressed in a sari walking up the hill.  There were a few guys there.  As soon as she walked past us one guys said something and they all jumped up and started following her.  So mom stopped and was like, "Didn't that seem weird?  We should make sure she''s okay."  So we stood there and watched for awhile.  The woman walked of onto this dark path into the jungle.  2 guys saw us watching so they stopped and watched us.  Then mom and I walked back up towards the path where the woman went and stood there looking.  The other two guys came and stood right behind us.  Then they walked a little ways away.  Finally mom said, "We need to just walk back there a little ways to make sure she's okay."  As soon as we stepped onto the path those 2 guys came running up right behind us.  So we walk into the jungle a little ways.  It's totally dark and all we have is mom's phone to see.  There are two or three guys- we couldn't see what was happening really but as soon as they saw us they all stood up and started going, "Oh sorry! sorry!"  Mom asks where the woman was... they told us that she was right there.  So mom starts asking is she's okay.  Those two guys are standing right behind us still.  Finally she walks into the light a little bit and mom asks her if she's alright.  She says that she was.  All of the sudden mom just turns around and starts walking out of the jungle.. and she turns around and says, "Caley!  I think that was a man!"
Shockingly enough, that's not the first cross dresser we've seen and the entire situation was extremely bizarre!  Standing in a dark jungle with 5 or 6 guys and... I don't know.. apparently a prostitute of some sort, she didn't seem to want any help anyways..
That's Bangladesh for you. 

"I have held many things in my hands,

and lost them all;

But whatever I have placed in God's hands,

that I still possess."

~Martin Luther

We leave Bangladesh 1 month from now.  That's crazy.  I have been thinking a lot about making this last month really count.  It's easy to slip into the "I'm so ready to get out of here!" mind set, but I want to really invest myself here for this last month.  Which is actually a lot harder than what I thought it would be! haha...  At this point it's challenging to make myself do anything. I think we're all just so tired- on so many levels.  To make yourself go somewhere even though it's hot and you'll be drenched in sweat, to make a dinner even though it's a stupid amount of work and (again) you'll be drenched in sweat, to make yourself take the boys with you somewhere even though they are going to be a hassle, to play go fish or match with Isaac for the hundredth time, to make yourself visit with people even though you (still) barely understand them, to go shopping because well, you're gonna have to eat, to make yourself be kind even though you're stressed and annoyed, to finish the Bangla book even though it's boring and repetitive, putting yourself out or allowing yourself to be inconvenienced for others ....  It seems like small things, but at this point... they seem huge and challenging!  Especially when you feel just so... done.
Us girls have a Bible study once a week together.  It usually ends up being a discussion about the week and areas we have struggled in.  Tonight we talked about finishing well and looking to God for strength for the next month- it was timely and encouraging because it's easy to just grit your teeth and get through it- it's much more difficult to actually do well. ;)
So, that being said, I am so, so thankful that my family will get a break and a chance to regroup/refocus in the states.  I think it's going to be so good for everybody.  A chance to sort of process through things and get refreshed.
 I was also pretty excited because I was able to get my iPod fixed last week.  I was a little reluctant to get too excited about it cause... it IS Bangladesh.  But everything seemed to be going well.  So they give it back to me and the camera doesn't work.  No big deal.  Then I put some headphones in it and the headphone jack doesn't work.  That IS  a big deal. So we took it back and they said it wasn't their fault... likely. :-/  So I opted to buy a blue tooth headset/headphone which ended up barely working unless I am perfectly still.  Annoying!  And, so far I haven't been able to get it to pick up WI-FI anywhere... so yeah.  That's a great illustration of how Bangladesh is for you. So frustrating!  So now I basically have an expensive clock/ alarm clock/timer/flash light with a few books on it and a game. haha... oh well.  At least I'll have something to do on the trip back at home. ;)

We've had a crazy week.  Seems like now that we know we are going home there is a lot to think through and process.  It's definitely a big shift in all of our thinking.  Thinking about traveling and packing and things left to do here and buying gifts for people and all that... it's a lot.
It's all pretty strange.  It's suddenly sad to realize that this will be the last month or so I have with people.  So basically, I'm just trying to take advantage of that.
On the other hand, I am so excited about being back in the States.  I keep thinking of all the things I have really missed, but I've gotten used to living without them.  Now all of the sudden I'm like, "Milk in a jug!"  "Hot showers!"  "Doing dishes in a sink!" haha... it's all the most random stuff. ;)
I also feel a little nervous... Bangladesh- the experience of being here.. living here.  It is so hard to communicate to people.  I think we just sound like a bunch of babies... because whenever I have tried to explain it to people.. they just don't get it!  I get it.  It is so different here than I ever expected, I know why people don't get it.  It's hard- there's just a few people who really get it.  I have a friend who lives here who is in the states for a little while.  Hearing her tell how difficult it is even trying to explain to her family.. I'm just nervous about that.
 And I'm nervous because people are so quick to make judgments on things. I don't feel like I've done anything amazing here... I know God brought me here and I know it has not been without purpose.  But I also know that there are so many other people who would've accomplished more, done better.. been what they should have been. I'm nervous about people pointing out things nad making me feel more guilty and more like a loser than I already do... which I'm sure is just pride.. but still.  It's not pleasant!
But, on the bright side,  I am SO excited about seeing people.  Being able to just... talk and feel comfortable.  And even just having something to talk about other than Bangladesh! ;)  I am so stoked about John's wedding and there's so much to look forward to.
We did get to go and see Limon, which was awesome.  He lives out in a village, in a pretty nice place and seems very well taken care of.  We were all really glad to see that and we had a really fun time with him and the other kids.  We were quite the sight there in a remote village! ;)
We are almost finished with our Bangla classes.  Which is exciting.  It has been a lot of work for a long time.  So now, to see we are so close to finishing, it's really cool.  I think we should be done by the time we leave. Go us! ;)

It's finally been decided!  We are going HOME.  I am so excited.  I will be randomly be doing something and be like, "HEY!  We are going to America!"
I know the next month is just going to fly by.  Now it seems like there's a lot to do.  A lot of things to take advantage of while I'm here.
It is sad moving on- sad seeing the end of something.  But I am really excited about what God has next for me.  Even though this time has been really difficult, I am thankful God brought me here for this year.  It has changed me, changed my perspective and increased my faith in God.  I am so excited because He has been so true to His word and all His promises.  I am excited for where He leads next and confident that He will always provide.
That being said- I still don't know where I will be living in the States.  But I know God will show me where  I should be.  So yeah- I'm just excited. :D

Well, now May is quickly coming to a close.
It's pretty strange to think that the "May conference time of year" has come and gone so quickly. And it certainly doesn't seem like it's been a year!  The May conference is my favorite- it's really sad to have missed it- at the same time it seems worlds away- like it just seems so impossible.  It's a weird feeling!
At the same time, we've had a really good week.  And it just feels like people must have been praying for us. It has been cooler, we haven't had heat rash, things haven't been so stressful....  It's been really nice.
Today Hannah mentioned to me that we should start thinking about what things we want to do before we go home.  It kind of shocked me.  It's already time to be thinking about that?  It's hard- ending something and going on to something new.  You start seeing all the good things.  And for me- that's being with my family. It's really hard to think being so separated from them.  It makes my heart ache.  But, it also makes me want to take advantage of every opportunity I have today. Especially with my little brothers.  I am learning more and more to value every good thing about everyday and not to be so caught up wishing for things in the future.  I have been so, so blessed to have been able to spend so many years with my family.  I am so blessed to have them as my closest friends.  And I am blessed to have a family that it is so hard to be away from.  I am really thankful, even though it has been incredibly challenging, to have been able to be here with my family.  I wouldn't trade it.
My worst fear is that they won't be able to go back to the States.  That would be awful.  Just to get on a bus and leave them here... it would just kill me.  All of us going back would really soften the blow I think.  I'm just trusting God- or trying to anyways. :-/  I know He will provide what we need and what is best. I will be thankful though, when we have some definite plans!  I don't like being up in the air with thing very much!

The time has been flying by and then, all of the sudden, this month it just stopped moving. I think it's all this talk of going back to the States... :) 
I woke up this morning thinking about it.  I feel pretty much certain I am going back.  And I've just kind of been feeling like my family will be going back for a little bit too.  But then, this morning I started thinking through the possibility of them not going.  That would be awful!  But, I'm just thinking through how all of this is going to work.  It will all be here before we know it!
Plus...  the most exciting  news this week.  Sara asked me to be her bridesmaid!  I am beyond excited. I actually cried when I read her email.  It means SO much to me to be a part of her's and John's big day.  I am really, really excited and honored.  And basically I CAN'T miss that.
So yeah- now the days are really going by slowly. ;)
Other than that, I've been thinking about what I want to do next.  There's definitely a lot of people I want to see in the States. My mom actually suggested I stay with my brother in Ireland for a while.  Which is definitely an option... although- another country?  It makes me tired.  But, who knows.  I've always wanted to go to Ireland so that would be really cool.  Plus, Dustyn and Keri and my beautiful nieces?  That would be pretty awesome.  But I don't have any definite plans yet.  I don't know, but I know the Lord knows and that He will be provide/lead.  So yeah, just taking it one step at a time.

A while back we had a young woman showed up at our door with a 20 day old baby.  The baby didn't seem well and wasn't really waking up at all.  He had a really strange color and something just didn't seem quite right.  She wanted money of course, but Dad told her we would not give money but we would take the baby to the doctor and buy medicine if needed.  So Dad did that, we gave her food, Dad helped her get home, bought her daughters some shoes.  And then... we keep seeing her.  Every time she needs something.  Then she brings her father to us, who also needs money and other things for his other daughter's wedding....

It gets so frustrating sometimes.  There are millions and millions of needy people in Bangladesh. Truly needy!  But it is so exhausting and overwhelming to be looked at as someone who you can get something out of all the time.  Some people lie to us, some people get angry if we don't give money, some people manipulate, some people will literally not stop touching you.... some people look at you and just say, "Taka den."  Which is literally just ordering someone to give you money, no asking- just demanding.  I have literally seen adults pointing at me and teaching their children to come ask for things. Like, "Hey, this is what you do when you see a white person!"  And it's not just the really needy people- it's also people with jobs and clothes and food.   It's really, really challenging.  And it's frustrating.  And it is constant.  And no matter how much you give it's never enough.  And there is seldom any appreciation expressed.

It makes it easy to become hardened to it- to be just so frustrated by it.  And I don't want to be that way.  I want to care about people- and I do.  I think that's what makes it hard- so often you are being taken advantage of because you care- and you never really know the truth of the situation.

All that to say, we have been a little frustrated with this lady. She keeps coming back and it seems like this is going to be another ongoing thing.  This time she just listed all the things she wanted, "Piyaj, roshun, adda, morich, hollud, tel, dal...."  It's all a just little odd.

But when she came this time- I really noticed how young she looked.  A lot of Bengalis look younger than they are though so we asked and she said she was 18.  I was shocked.  Her oldest daughter is 4 or 5.  And she has 3 children.  We keep asking about her husband and all she says is that he is getting married to someone else.  I don't even know if he really is her husband.  Dad asked if her husband gave her food and she said he didn't.  Dad asked why her father didn't help her and she said he's too poor. She showed us a mark and said her husband beats her.  I don't know-I don't understand it all.  And who knows what is actually true!  But, I just felt really sorry for her- she's 18 or 19 with 3 children.  She's tiny- and filthy.  Nobody is taking care of her- in fact, I think she's being taken advantage of.  She goes around and begs for things because she lives in a society were men rule and women have very few options to help themselves.  Where young girls are left raising somebody's 3 children while he marries someone else and doesn't even help her.  It's really,really sad.  And I don't want to be hardened to that- even if she is taking advantage of us or being dishonest. 

Isaac was brushing my hair while she was here for some reason... and she came in and took the brush and started brushing my hair.  She's tiny.  I think she could barely reach the top of my head!  After she brushed my hair she wanted to brush hers, so I started brushing it for her.  It was really, really filthy.  Later she pulled a bug out of her hair, showed it to me and then killed it...haha... I soaked the brush in bleach later. ;)  After she brushed her hair she giggled like a little girl- and I looked at her and realized- she is.  And she's stuck in a really awful situation and probably none of it is her fault.

When you see such sad things all the time- it's just the norm here.  Even she doesn't seem to think it's unusual.  It's hard not to feel guilty... all the time.  But I am learning you have to be flexible.  To really feel the sad things- but to also let yourself feel the happy things too.  And that's okay- it's nothing to feel guilty about. 

It has been pretty difficult to get a hold of the computer lately, so even when I actually do think of something to write... I usually forget about it.  Or I wait until late at night when everybody is in bed and it's quiet.  I don't sleep well anyways so it kinda works. ;)

It has been rough here lately- made that pretty clear in my last post I think. ;)  But I actually have been more encouraged the last few days.  I read this:

"He has put you in a difficult situation in His sovereignty; a difficult home, business, physical situation, a difficult situation with some relative. Beloved, that is the outworking of the Cross in your experience, in order to make a way for the Lord Jesus to have a larger place.  It is going to make a way for His patience, the endurance of Christ, for the love of Christ.  It is going to make a way for Him; and you have not to go to your knees every morning saying, 'Oh Lord, get me out of this home, get me out of this business, get me out of this difficulty!' you are to say, 'Lord, if this is the Cross in its expression for me today, I take it up today'. Facing the situation like that you will find there is strength, there is victory, the cooperation of the Lord, and there is fruit and not barrenness." (T.Austin Sparks)

I was encouraged by that- not that anything has changed.  It's still hot, it's still difficult and all of that- but remembering that there is purpose behind it all changes everything.

It's been a rough day here. I don't know what it is- things are fine and they're "normal" (as in- normal for here), then all of the sudden it's just more than you can deal with.
Being here- it's been like holding my breath for months and months. Just enduring every day as it comes, struggling to get through it.  And that's just how it is- until I suddenly realize- I can't breath! And enduring is not the same as living.
I would like to say that I meet each day with joy here. That I wake up filled with purpose and ambition. But that is far from the truth. Even the things I enjoyed doing at home, I hate doing here. I hate cooking and shopping here. There's no where to go, no point in getting dressed up for anything. It's hot. It's awkward. Everything is uncomfortable- nothing is normal. The food isn't appetizing. Trying to sleep is like torture. It's hard-at least for me. And I would very much like to say that all of those things are inconsequential to me, but they drive me crazy! And it's getting more and more to where I feel like I can't deal with it.
And I don't think people understand it. When I say things to people- I know they are thinking, "Whats the big deal? How can you be so concerned about yourself when people have it so much worse there?" And- believe me- I ask myself the same thing. But- the truth is, at least for me- it's hard. Really hard. To put it bluntly, I hate living here. Seriously. And for the first time since being here I feel like if there was a plane ticket- I would take it. It's so much more than I am able to deal with.
But... and this is where I always come back to- I don't want to quit. I want to do well while I am here. I don't want run home.  I wonder if that's my own pride- but I hope that I am obeying God. That's a whole other thing for me to sort out there...
I just miss home. Wherever that is. It's been so long since any place was home to me. It's been a long time since I've been somewhere that I really felt comfortable- really felt like it was mine. I would love to just.. BE somewhere, to really feel some sense of belonging.  I have been in this jumping from place to place thing for awhile now, and I'm tired. That's one of the biggest reasons I didn't want to come here in the first place. I want home.. and some normalcy, done independence..
I know it's just a season- and it's a short one. And it will be over soon. I don't want to miss it... but it gets harder and harder to be optimistic about things. 

Unfortunately the power went off at 3 this morning- and even more unfortunate is that it got so hot it woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep. So, it's now 6:30- I've been up for 3 and half hours accomplishing very little- with the exception of having some nice stove-top espresso and finally finishing the book of Jeremiah- which is definitely a challenge. ;P

There's been this sudden shift where the days have just started dragging by...  Probably a shift in my thinking mostly.  I'm sort of counting down the days until July now..haha..  I hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment but, it's hard not to be excited about the possibility of going home.  As I have said a lot lately- I'm SO ready.  I even dreamed the other night that I was packing for conference and all I had to wear were these obnoxious salwar kameezes.  It was awful and I hope that doesn't happen...!

It's basically been really boring around here lately.  I'm sure I'm being a baby- but I greatly miss my iPod. :(  I started re-reading a book I read years ago.  And I also started reading a book a friend left here about a blind man who climbed Mt. Everest...haha.. I'm seriously bored.

Thankfully though, we're taking an overnight trip to Mulamghat Hospital today. They have a baptist guest house there.  It's SO nice.  It's secluded and out in the jungle.  They have a pool and tennis courts.. and you don't have to make your own food, which is a huge plus. ;)  They have AC and hot water...  It's a really nice place to get away a little bit.

So yeah- a seriously lame post to reflect the boring days.  There ya go. ;)

Another month has begun- and with each new month I can't believe we've been here for this long.  I know I say that a lot- but it's true.  There were times when I didn't think we were going to make it, but God has been so faithful all along and in through every difficulty.  We are steadily getting closer and closer to reaching  the 'year mark'.  And I keep feeling more and more ready to go home.  Seriously though.  I feel very, very tired.  All of that's nothing new but I'm basically praying that God will let us go home!  I know my family will definitely be coming back, even if we do get to go back to the States.  I don't know about me.  I don't necessarily feel like I should come back and I definitely don't want to- but I also know how unexpected life can be.  So, I am waiting. Waiting for things to open up and fall into place.
Other than that, this week has been pretty slow with the normal weird things that usually go on.   Such as rickshawallahs who drive  crooked and won't stop hitting your leg, crows eating rats in the street, disjointed and easily misunderstood conversations with our neighbor about mashed potatoes, saris and pictures, moments of escape at KFC, eyebrow threading, Star Wars, meeting surfers from Hawaii, our building being painted pink and yellow, helping Arif with his lost shoes, attacks from cockroaches and other such random things.  The rainy season has also started, which cools things off considerably.  Not to mention the thunder here is incredible!
Last night I had this really strange nightmare.  I don't remember the last time I had a nightmare!  But this one seriously terrified me, like I couldn't fall back asleep I was so scared.  It was about a wolf- and while it seemed terrifying last night, today I cannot figure out why it scared me so much!  There were a bunch of dogs barking in the street.. so I don't know.  Maybe that triggered it.  Either way- it was really, really strange. haha...
Other than that, things have been pretty normal and slow.... ;)

A year ago I was running a half marathon with my brother, this year I'm watching a Star Wars marathon with my family...haha..  Just goes to show you how unpredictable life is.
I was remembering today that it was that weekend when I was getting ready to drive over to Eugene that my Dad called me and told me they were planning on leaving in July and that I should plan on coming home by May.  It was ... not an easy time for me, to say the least! There was definitely a lot going on.  In fact, I remembered today that I called John after registering for the marathon in Eugene and then I sat outside the building and cried telling him about it while people walked by and stared. Oh, and I was eating a salad. Wow.  It was a really great weekend and a really disappointing one at the same time. It seems like my life got really crazy after that.  It's hard to believe it's been a year.  It's crazy how much my life has changed since then.  All the things I could not have anticipated- what it's like living here in Bangladesh.  And, through it all, God has been so faithful.  And I am amazed looking back- which makes me feel at peace looking forward. It was not an easy decision- coming here.  But, despite all the difficulties and all the struggles, I have always had confidence that I am supposed to be here, and it has made all the difference. It has made the really hard days.. endurable... ;)  I want to have that confidence when I go home too.  I really want to go home.  But, I just want to be sure that it's the right thing to do. 

It's mostly just another hot day in Bangladesh.
If it wasn't so awful, it would be almost funny...  all of us sitting around with glistening faces.  Wearing shorts and rolled-up shirts, guzzling bottle after bottle of cold water...haha..  It's incredible. ;P
It's actually a pretty nice day.  Dad left for Dhaka this morning to visit the guys who he recently baptized, so we don't have Bangla class today.  The house is clean, the electricity is on and I'm sipping a homemade mocha.  So yeah, it's good.
We had a really nice trip to India.  I am always amazed at how different it is!  You notice an immediate difference in how wealthy it is.  Nobody asked me for money the entire time I was there.  People don't stare nearly as much, they don't drive by and scream at you.  The food's significantly better. There's women driving cars and mopeds and wearing western clothing. People in general are just more polite and well, civilized. You don't see poor people.  It's cleaner. It's not nearly as humid.  The roads are emptier and they have traffic rules.  It just always amazes me!  And it's a really nice retreat.  Plus, there's AC and hot showers and that's hard to beat!
We were able to stay 2 days this time.  That was great.  We got to drive about an hour outside of Argatala and see a palace built in the middle of the lake. That was so cool.  And we drove through tea gardens and jungle...it was just really beautiful.  So, our visas are done for another 3 months I guess.
We've had another YWAM team visiting, so we've got to hang out with them a little bit.  Which is great- hanging out with people you can actually talk to. We played volleyball with them yesterday and then went over to their hotel for games. They're leaving tomorrow though, so it's back down to us.
I miss home so much.  Seriously... I feel soooo ready to be home.  I'm really, really hoping we can go back this summer.  I think that would be really good for us.  Plus, I can't imagine not being there for John's wedding.  It just makes sense to me, but I'm not God, so I guess I don't really know.. ;)  But that would be awesome.  Like I said I am SO ready to be home. :-/

Well, it has been a crazy long day- and a really hot one too. Oh my gosh.   It is ridiculous how hot it is!  I was informed the other day though that it's 'not that hot'... so maybe it's just me.  But, let me just say- I took a shower this morning and my hair never dried.  We're all walking around with a glossy sheen on our skin.  When the electricity goes off- oh.. it is quite miserable.  Sweat just pours off your face as you do dishes, or sweep or cook or, well, basically anything.  I hate it. 
I am feeling sooooo homesick lately.  Just tired I guess.  Just really missing having some normalcy!  Ah..  I do miss home. A lot.
Tomorrow we leave for India again.  Bright and early.  Seeing as how I no longer have an iPod I think it's going to be an extremely boring trip for me.  It's so bumpy it makes it basically impossible to read or anything...so yeeeahh.. it's gonna be great.  India is nice though.  A hotel room with AC?  Can't be that!!  Also we are going to see a palace there called the Neermahal.  It is a palace built in the middle of a lake and that sounds pretty darn cool.  So we get to see a little bit more of India this time.
Also really awesome is that Dad and Austin baptized a guy last week.  It's really cool how it all came about, but when Mom and Dad went to Nator to take Limon to the hospital they met this guy on the street.  Dad shared the gospel with him and apparently he was really open to it.  He was Muslim.  After a week or so he told Dad he had come all the the way down to Cox's Bazaar to talk more with him.  He really had a struggle though, he told Dad, "If I believe Jesus I will be alone. I will have no one to share my life with.  My family will reject me."  But, after a few days, he asked Dad if he could share something in church.  He stood up and introduced himself and told everyone that he believed in Jesus.  Later he and Dad talked more about baptism and stuff.  And he told Dad he was ready to die if necessary.  It's really amazing.  So, he wanted to be baptized- which is huge here.  He told Dad he wanted to be baptized in the morning so that everyone would be able to see.  Which is really brave.  So, the next morning he told Dad he had had a dream that night that he was in a really beautiful place and that there were two angels watching as Dad baptized him.  He said he wanted to be baptized right away. So we all went down to the beach and he was baptized.  Later he told Emily that he was certain that she was one of the faces of the angels he saw in his dream.  Which I think was pretty encouraging to Emily.  He then said to Dad, "I have to tell my family don't I?"  Dad said, "I never told you that."  To which he replied, "If I don't, I will be a liar."  That's even more amazing to me, because it seems pretty common and accepted for people here to say they are a Christian, but they don't tell anyone cause they don't want to suffer the consequences or cause trouble. But, he immediately told his family and, as he expected they were really upset with him and I suppose he has basically been cut off.  Thankfully he has a Muslim friend who told him that he didn't care if he was a christian and that he could live with him.  So at least he has a place to stay.  It was really really heartbreaking to see this man crying in our living room over the great loss.  But it was also really encouraging to know that God will take care of him and provide him with everything he needs.  So yeah, we're all pretty excited about that.  And pretty humbled by this guy's boldness!  Pretty incredible.

It's like we're either crazy busy- or super bored.  There doesn't seem to be much of a 'happy medium' here...  and lately we've definitely been on the 'crazy busy' side of things. ;)
Let's see- last week I had my greatest fears realized when I got up one morning, started sweeping the living room, moved a chair and when I turned around there was a great big spider sitting there.  So I screamed for dad- and the darn thing (which moves ridiculously fast by the way) escaped.  Then we saw it again, and again- it escaped.  Then we lost sight of it for a long time and I had pretty much forgotten about it, until I was standing at the table peeling carrots, looked down and the thing was like 3 inches from my foot!  I seriously almost died!  Of course, I  screamed like a banchee, then I jumped up/back into the couch, did a back flip over the couch- with my knife in hand.  I guess I can be surprisingly ninja-like when I am fearful for my life.  The spider died after that.  Thank goodness.  But, I haven't been able to rest quite the same knowing that they are here... :-/
Then, another of my greatest fears happened when I managed to hit my ipod on the corner of a metal shelf and I basically destroyed it.  I can't even unlock it- 3/4 of the screen is white.  I have never wanted to cry of breaking something so badly.  All my books, devotionals, music, notes, videos, games and all that... gone.  Not to mention we have a trip coming to India so now I am basically going to be sitting there for 18 hours since it's impossible to read on such bumpy trips. Ugggghhhh.  I have a friend though who knows someone who may be able to fix it here though, so I am hopeful...  that would be AWESOME. Not sure if I can get it fixed before the trip though...
This week was also the Bengali New Year.  So Suranjit took us to some cultural program.  They had some terribly annoying music going, they were painting everyone's arms and faces... we got to try some of their snacks and stuff.  It was cool.  Then we went to the beach and all the kids started throwing paint on us.  So we were all splattered with blue.  Then we went out for Bangla food. That night we went out again.  We wanted to wear our saris because the bengalis love it when we do. So, with great effort we put them on.  Then our neighbor came over and we asked her if they were right.  Her response was "uuuhhh... a little.."  haha..  so she brought us over to her house and her relatives took our saris off of us, redid them- which, I must say, it's pretty weird having a complete stranger dress you.  They gave us bracelets and fake nose rings and the red dots they put on their heads and flowers for our hair.  It was really fun.  And we definitely appreciated them fixing our saris for us...haha...
Plus there is a YWAM group here that we had over for snacks and there's also a group of surfers from Hawaii visiting too- one girl from the surfer group brought me peanut butter and chocolate and coffee, so yeah- that's awesome.  We will hopefully be busy with them.
So yeah, that's a little of what's been going on here ...

I don't know why I keep on writing on here... I realize I am writing nothing interesting or relevant and probably nothing worth reading.  All the time I think I should just stop- I think I'm probably just talking to myself.  But, I dunno.. there's something sort of therapeutic about it..  It's sort of an outlet for me.  All the same- it does seem rather pointless. 
But then there are nights, like tonight,  when I can't sleep (again), and I really think it would be nice to write something...  I actually enjoy writing I guess, but then- there's not much to say.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately- a lot of self-examination. A lot of seeing where I'm at with God. Just kind of asking myself where I'm at, where I'm going and where I want to go.  I'm trying to gain some focus, some clarity and direction.  It's actually been really good for me I think.  
I am not at all big on being "self-focused", but it's so easy just to live life without purpose or intention, so I'm stepping back and just seeking God about what He has for me, what my purpose is, looking at how He has gifted me (having never considered myself as "gifted", it's a little strange...).
I started seeing some things about myself that I hadn't realized before.  As I have been thinking through all of this, I started noticing that I didn't really like what I was seeing about myself.  It just kind of seemed...inadequate.  I started thinking over my life and I realized how much I have always been driven by guilt.  I really feel like anything I've ever done never measured up, that I've never done well enough, never been good enough, never been "spiritual" enough. I guess it's one thing when that results in humility or conviction or God-given repentance- but when it results in fear and discouragement?  Not so much.  I don't think following Jesus should feel like a burden.  I don't think following Jesus makes His people feel like they are worthless or that they are condemned or that they are failures. I am not talking about when God convicts you of sin-  I'm talking about a constant weight of guilt that chokes out your joy and makes you feel constantly ashamed of yourself.
I've felt that way ever since I've come to Bangladesh-like what I'm doing is pathetic and that I must be sooo messed up inside.  I felt that way in the training program because I didn't like street evangelism or door-to-door.  I felt that way at the tent meetings with James Lucas.  And in other things before...
I think one of my biggest problems is that I have always had an idea in my mind of what I was supposed to be/do.   And I based it off of other people around me. And always felt guilty because I was not them.  
It's been interesting to kind of step back from all that and start seeing that God has made me different-and it's not less-than. It's okay-and it's even .... needed.  
My greatest desire is to do what God asks of me and to follow Him-and that is going to be different and unique and full of purpose and fulfilling and that's actually pretty exciting.
I don't know what's next for me or where I'm going.  For now though, I am here... and I believe I'm where God has placed me for right now and I want to be faithful to do the things He sent me to do- even though it may be very small.  And I want to really value and enjoy what time I have left here.

"I cannot give an answer, I cannot find a word,
My heart is twisted, tangled-
Frozen, all locked up,
My words turn into ashes,
Like dust that I've choked up.
Why are the tears not falling?
Can't you see that you have lost?
Don't you feel the lonely?
Don't you grieve the cost?
I 'm walking down a pathway,
Not knowing where it leads.
I gaze ahead-I'm looking,
Darkness is all that I can see.
Why is the light not shining?
The empty not replaced?
I'm searching for an answer,
I'm holding onto grace,
Waiting for the sun upon my face.
Melt this icy coldness.
Sent the fear away.
Chase me into meadows watered by the rain.
Speak to me so softly,
Won't you tell me who I am?
Can't you give me a reason?
A solid place to stand? "

Life is finally getting back to normal- mom and dad finally got back from their trip.  We left the next day for the youth conference and got back..  and now we're enjoying a few days of things being normal before the guys leave for Chittagong for a few days this week.  And then we have our trip to India in a few weeks.

Wow. :-/  So, it's already time for our visa trip again.  This will actually be our last trip before our visas expire in May.  Sooo... it will be nice to get all that figured out.

I am having this sense that there are some big changes coming up, not exactly sure what- but just feeling like things are going to change soon.  That gives me a lot of incentive to really enjoy things here as they are today.

    Yesterday we ventured to the beach and suddenly started feeling these  electric shocks like a jellyfish...haha.. seriously.  I think there were jellyfish stinging us.  And, I think Dad got stung by a big one- he had a red line all across his side!  Ridiculous.  

     Today we had a young woman come to our door asking for money.  She had a 20 day old baby- and something didn't seem quite right with the baby.  She came in and we tried to communicate as best we could.  From what we could understand she was 24 or so with 3 children, the oldest being 7.  She has no husband, and she said that he was married to someone else.  She said the baby was sick.  Dad looked at the baby and told her she needed to take him to a doctor and get a prescription and that we would pay for the medicine. We tried to communicate that we would go with her to the doctor if she wanted.  We gave her some food to take home. It's really sad.  And really difficult to understand- to know what to do.  I think if I had heard a story like that before I would've thought it would be very obvious all the things you should do.  It is SO much more challenging than I ever could have imagined.  After some confusion, we figure out she could read and were able to give her some Bangla tracts.  Dad and Austin tried talking to her some- she either didn't understand or didn't want to hear.  I don't know.  She thought our dish rack was a stand for the Koran..haha... she nursed the baby very openly- which was a little awkward.  The baby didn't wear diapers and he peed on our couch.  No big deal...haha...  And we got to hold him a little bit  and pray for him, which was sweet. 

So yeah- all in a day.  It's crazy here.

We just got home this afternoon from a Christian Youth Camp we were invited to.  Our friend invited us and we felt like we should go- he was so excited about it and all...  but I was really regretting that I said I would go when I realized it was meetings ALL day and they were ALL in Bangla. :-/  

We had a very long / exhausting / hot trip out there. It's in a village and it's actually really beautiful out there. It's really nice getting out of the city every now and then.

It was pretty uncomfortable in about every way. New place, new people-that's always awkward. But add in language barriers, cultural differences and age differences and it's REALLY awkward.   

It definitely wasn't fun- but we were trying to just.. out ourselves out there I guess?

I was actually really discouraged by a comment made about us. Apparently a guy made a comment about how we brought water.  We weren't sure what the water would be like and we've only every drank bottled water since being here except when we've been in people's houses and they offer us water (which usually tastes/smells like pond water).  Anyways- we brought water with us because we didn't want to get sick and the guy thought that maybe we weren't actually missionaries because we should have enough faith to drink the water.  I was SO frustrated!  It probably wasn't that big a deal- but it was the sort of the thing that just finally breaks you.  I guess there was some expectation that the Bengali Christians would really appreciate the sacrifice we made to come here... and instead they judge as being unfaithful because we drank bottled water?  I was SO disappointed.  Considering that we sold everything we had, got on a plane with no return ticket, left our home, our jobs, our family, our friends, left everything that was comfortable and familiar to us and came here.  Considering we gave up things and hobbies and interests and comforts to come here... considering the expense it cost to come, not just on our part but for everyone that has supported us.  Considering the constant pressure of being watched, of trying not to offend, of trying to dress like them, talk like them, eat like them...  of feeling like a freak show everywhere you go, feeling uncomfortable, out of place and alone. Never being able to walk out your door without being asked for something or called a name or surrounded or yelled at or having your picture taken...  Of enduring heat and sickness and language barriers and bugs and the dirtiness...  I just cried.  I think I scared some of the Bengali girls pretty good!  haha...  But really, now that I write it it sounds kind of lame, I never could have understood how difficult it can be from the States - but seriously, sometimes it is beyond overwhelming.  It all adds up- and it's a lot of pressure.  And they just cannot understand- I know that.  They think we are vastly wealthy, they don't know where we came from, they don't know what we left.  Most of them have never been outside their own country- they don't know what that's like.  But, to already be feeling all of that and have people say you have no faith because you drank bottled water?  And, I might add- we did drink their water too.  I guess I expected something from the Christians- some appreciation or understanding...  But, what I realized is the important thing is being faithful to what God has called us to- regardless of people's responses, comments, reactions, judgments or misunderstandings. After I had thought through and realized that the only important thing is being faithful to what God calls us to do, even if His people don't understand it...  I realized that not everyone feels that way.. of course.  In fact, later a girl asked me what my favorite season here was.  I told her I liked winter best because we were from a really cold place and it was difficult for us being so hot.  And Suranjit said, "I know it has been very difficult for you all.. coming in here.  You have had many problems..  but I really appreciate that you all came."  So- in the end- I felt better about it all. ;)  

We ended up having a much better time than expected.  Although it was REALLY boring sitting through hours and hours of classes you can't really understand... :-/  

Where He Leads

"I will take Your hand and follow

Trusting, though I cannot see,

Heart is aching, feet are throbbing,

Father, show me where you lead."

"While I'm waiting You are working,

For my pathway You have seen,

Content I'll be to follow,

There is safety where You lead. "

"Rest content all those who follow,

Have quiet hearts and be at peace,

Take each day as He has given,

Only follow where He leads. "

It's starting to get really hot here.  Again.  Oh boy. :-/  It's starting to get to where we always HAVE to have the fans on, we are waking up at night cause it's so hot and turning on the oven is unbearable.  I do not like the hot season.
I ventured out to the vegetable market this afternoon. It was nice.  I have just kind of decided I've had enough of never being able to leave by myself.  Maybe I should rephrase that.  I need to be alone sometimes.  So now I just put on my headphones so I can't hear all the people yelling at me and just walk. ;)

The entire market was absolutely swarming in flies.  It sill hasn't rained in months and there is trash everywhere-also with a thousand flies.  The open sewage dishes have piles of filth heaped next to them..  I had an odd moment of feeling like, "Okay- I live here?  And this is supposed to be normal?"  today as I walked by... haha...
The fam all went to a cricket game today. I opted not to go-not a fan of watching sports in general but especially cricket. ;) I think it was a good of option. I crave moments of quiet.  Moments of drama free-ness.  We live so close together and we are literally together ALL the time, so I guess that's to be expected... but, even so, it is exhausting.
I keep thinking more and more that my time here is coming to an end.  I don't know, it's sort of odd. It's not really because I have anything necessarily planned next- but sometimes I just feel these..nudges.. like maybe I don't have much time here left.  As always, there's pros and cons...  but, more than anything- I want to finish well- however much time I have left.  And I do not want to leave without absolute confidence it's the right thing.  I don't like to be a quitter-  I like to finish whatever I start.  So,  I guess I just want to finish well.  And, who knows how everything will work out?  I find things you usually end up a lot different than how I expect them to go.  So, I guess I'll see with certainty at the right time... I'm trusting God for that.

"Don't let your life be a hut or a shack built on a great foundation. Seek to live a life that is worthy of the great foundation laid for us."

Cooking in Bangladesh is pretty much just one annoying challenge.
1.)  Didn't eat until this afternoon cause there was literally nothing worth eating.
2.)  Opened a box up that was crawling with thousands of ants, sprayed everything with bug spray and then
       felt like I had ants crawling all over my arms for 2 hours.
3.)  Isaac made a snack which consisted of raw sliced onions dipped in mustard this afternoon.  When I said
      it was a sad snack he said, "Caley!  I'm smart at knowing what foods taste good!"  Poor kid... :)
4.)  Opened up a can of baking cocoa to see it was crawling with beetles and small larvae...  Nice.

The truth is, I actually do think about writing on here a lot and I feel like I should. But I basically always come to the conclusion that I have nothing interesting or important to write about ... Sadly, today is no exception! What can I say?
 Since John and Sara left we've just been getting back into our normal everyday life.  Which isn't all bad-  I actually like feeling like I am getting something done,  but it definitely is boring by comparison.  Cooking and cleaning and Bangla classes and homework and sleep and teaching school and so on...  c'est la vie... Honestly, I'm just kinda bored with it all in general.  It feels like it's constantly the same things...  While I do feel confident this is where God has me right now, I struggle being content and I really crave work that I enjoy and feeling, I don't know.. productive...
I was asked that very revealing /embarrassing question the other day, "So, what's your ambition?"... haha... oh dear. :-/  I am such a loser!
On a happier note, yesterday we met some really nice, enjoyable people.  Which, let me tell you, is rare!  It's really nice to have people who speak English and don't treat you like you're some zoo animal cause you're a foreigner.  And they aren't trying to get money from you.  Really nice.  We got to spend some time with them at the beach yesterday.
Dad finally got his Indian visa figured out, but he has to travel to Chittagong on Sunday to finish it.  Then, the day after that he and mom are going to take Limon to a hospital in the northern part of the country.  That's going to be a long exhausting trip for them I'm sure.
Today Isaac said, while staring blankly at his reading book, "It's kind of a bummer that heaven's not gonna have an electronics...." haha... what a kid.

Time has gone by so quickly, and here it is- March 3rd already.

I am in Dhaka right now. We are spending our last days with John and Sara here. It's been wonderful having them- but again it's gone by so fast.

We are staying in the same hotel room that we stayed in our first day in Bangladesh. It's so weird. That doesn't seem so long ago, and here it has already been 7 months...crazy.

 It's weird being back in Dhaka again and remembering how ridiculously unfamiliar everything was, and how everything is just normal now.

I have been learning lately- or maybe just realizing- how wasteful it is to spend all mt time feeling sorry for myself. I can be so wrapped up in my own problems, my own hurts- and so blind to how small they are compared to others. How is it that you can still cry for yourself when you know a woman who is beaten or abused? Or a guy who dies from a drug overdose? Or you meet a little girl whose feet are horribly crippled and deformed from a car accident? I don't know how it is- but I still manage to feel sorry for myself. And I don't want to be that way.

John has said it to me multiple times, "Dont miss out on the goods things today by constantly trying to get to the next thing." 

Working on that. ;)

I saw the saddest thing I have ever seen in my life today.
When we first got here we met Limon.  We noticed him immediately because he is outside on the street by himself all the time.  He is naked and dirty.  He also has two large bumps on his forehead and he is almost deaf.  We also noticed how he was tormented by children and even adults all day long.  We also noticed his mom beating him a lot.  Of course, it's just heart breaking to see all of that.  Ever since we've been here we've been trying to figure out how to help him, how to make sure he's not picked on, how to get his mom to treat him kindly, how to make sure he's fed during the day, how to get him to a doctor.  We've had a lot of confusion with people and misunderstanding.  His mom has almost seemed terrified of us, and we have tried to communicate to her somehow that she is our friend and we want to help her and her son. She seemed distrustful though, and it didn't seem like she understood us.  We've noticed though, that Limon isn't the only one mistreated.  His mom is just as heart breaking as he is.  She is tiny- she looks malnourished and sickly.  I think she's fairly young but I think she looks old because she's not very healthy.  She works for some people who seem pretty abusive.  From what we have understood her husband abandoned her and their son and married someone else in another country. I don't think anyone here shows Hassina love or kindness.  And, she has seemed so hardened that I have even been afraid to talk to her.  Until the other day when she randomly came to our door and told us it would be okay for us to take Limon to the hospital.  She seemed excited, hopeful and trusting.  She told us she would leave Limon on the street, that we should pick him up, take him to the hospital and then leave him on the street when we came back.  And that we should not tell anybody.  I don't understand it all... but, she came today to ask about us taking him to the doctor again.  She gave Austin a number where we could contact her if we need to.  She had a tiny piece of paper tied into a not on her scarf.  The woman seems terrified of whoever it is she works for, and she does everything in secret.  She gave Austin the number to put into his phone and then asked if he would call it to see if it works.  She got so excited and reached for the phone.  It's hard to understand because I don't know what she's saying... but, it seemed like she hadn't talked to these people in a very long time.  She started talking away and then we heard her burst out sobbing saying, "Oh baba!!"... calling out to her father wherever he is.  Oh.  It was awful to see.  We all started crying seeing such a  poor, wretched woman.  I don't think I'll ever forget it.  After she finished talking she sat down on the couch and started sobbing again on mom's shoulder...  I can't describe how heart breaking it was to see.  I wonder when the last time was that Hassina saw someone crying for her..  Mom said, "If we only came just so Hassina could make a phone call to her family- it would be worth it."  And, it's true.  It has been worth it.
I hope I am forever impacted by what I have seen here.  I hope it is changing me.  I am thankful that I was here today to cry for Hassina.

We went out tonight to hand out some blankets and hats and coats we bought the other day.  It gets surprisingly cold here, and there are quite a few people who just sleep on the street.  And quite a few children too.  It was really cool, being able to give those kids stuff.  I've never seen a kid so excited over something so basic as a blanket or a coat...  It was actually really sad to see.  I don't even know if they have homes.  And they're so young and dirty and needy.  One kid had plastic bag wrapped around him- I don't know if he was using it to keep warm or not for sure, but I know he was really, really excited about that blanket.  One little boy stood there and stroked a blanket mom was holding.  When she finally handed it to him he carefully wrapped it around him like it was expensive fur and stroked it and wouldn't let anyone else touch it.  They jumped around and smiled and said thank you over and over.  It was really cool, and I hope we can do more stuff like that.
Other than that, life has basically continued on in the same pattern.  But John's coming.  And it's weird- I almost just can't imagine it, so I don't feel as excited as I think I should.  It's kinda surreal really... But, in just a few short days he's going to be here!  It's so weird- it's gonna be amazing.

Calvary Love- Amy Carmichael

If I belittle those whom I am called to serve, talk of their weak points in contrast perhaps with \what I think of as my strong points; if I adopt a superior attitude, forgetting "Who made thee to differ? And what hast thou that thou hast not received?" then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I find myself taking lapses for granted, "Oh, that's what they always do," "Oh, of course she talks like that, he acts like that," then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another; if I can in any way slight another in conversation, or even in thought, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I can write an unkind letter, speak an unkind word, think an unkind thought without grief and shame, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I do not feel far more for the grieved Savior than for my worried self when troublesome things occur, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I can rebuke without a pang, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If my attitude be one of fear, not faith, about one who has disappointed me; if I say, "Just what I expected" if a fall occurs, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I am afraid to speak the truth, lest I lose affection, or lest the one concerned should say, "You do not understand," or because I fear to lose my reputation for kindness; if I put my own good name before the other's highest good, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I am content to heal a hurt slightly, saying "Peace, peace," where there is no peace; if I forget the poignant word "Let love be without dissimulation" and blunt the edge of truth, speaking not right things but smooth things, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I hold on to choices of any kind, just because they are my choice, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into self-pity and self-sympathy; If I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve round myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have "a heart at leisure from itself," then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If, the moment I am conscious of the shadow of self crossing my threshold, I do not shut the door, and keep that door shut, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I cannot in honest happiness take the second place (or the twentieth); if I cannot take the first without making a fuss about my unworthiness, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I take offense easily, if I am content to continue in a cool unfriendliness, though friendship be possible, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I feel injured when another lays to my charge things that I know not, forgetting that my sinless Savior trod this path to the end, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I feel bitter toward those who condemn me, as it seems to me, unjustly, forgetting that if they knew me as I know myself they would condemn me much more, then I know nothing of Calvary love

.

If souls can suffer alongside, and I hardly know it, because the spirit of discernment is not in me, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If the praise of others elates me and their blame depresses me; if I cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself; if I love to be loved more than to love, to be served more than to serve, then I know nothing ofCalvary love.

If I crave hungrily to be used to show the way of liberty to a soul in bondage, instead of caring only that it be delivered; if I nurse my disappointment when I fail, instead of asking that to another the word of release may be given, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I do not forget about such a trifle as personal success, so that it never crosses my mind, or if it does, is never given room there; if the cup of flattery tastes sweet to me, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If in the fellowship of service I seek to attach a friend to myself, so that others are caused to feel unwanted; if my friendships do not draw others deeper in, but are ungenerous (to myself, for myself), then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I refuse to allow one who is dear to me to suffer for the sake of Christ, if I do not see such suffering as the greatest honor that can be offered to any follower of the Crucified, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I slip into the place that can be filled by Christ alone, making myself the first necessity to a soul instead of leading it to fasten upon Him, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If my interest in the work of others is cool; if I think in terms of my own special work; if the burdens of others are not my burdens too, and their joys mine, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I wonder why something trying is allowed, and press for prayer that it may be removed; if I cannot be trusted with any disappointment, and cannot go on in peace under any mystery, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If the ultimate, the hardest, cannot be asked of me; if my fellows hesitate to ask it and turn to someone else, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I covet any place on earth but the dust at the foot of the Cross, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

That which I know not, teach Thou me, O Lord, my God.