We went out tonight to hand out some blankets and hats and coats we bought the other day.  It gets surprisingly cold here, and there are quite a few people who just sleep on the street.  And quite a few children too.  It was really cool, being able to give those kids stuff.  I've never seen a kid so excited over something so basic as a blanket or a coat...  It was actually really sad to see.  I don't even know if they have homes.  And they're so young and dirty and needy.  One kid had plastic bag wrapped around him- I don't know if he was using it to keep warm or not for sure, but I know he was really, really excited about that blanket.  One little boy stood there and stroked a blanket mom was holding.  When she finally handed it to him he carefully wrapped it around him like it was expensive fur and stroked it and wouldn't let anyone else touch it.  They jumped around and smiled and said thank you over and over.  It was really cool, and I hope we can do more stuff like that.
Other than that, life has basically continued on in the same pattern.  But John's coming.  And it's weird- I almost just can't imagine it, so I don't feel as excited as I think I should.  It's kinda surreal really... But, in just a few short days he's going to be here!  It's so weird- it's gonna be amazing.

Calvary Love- Amy Carmichael

If I belittle those whom I am called to serve, talk of their weak points in contrast perhaps with \what I think of as my strong points; if I adopt a superior attitude, forgetting "Who made thee to differ? And what hast thou that thou hast not received?" then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I find myself taking lapses for granted, "Oh, that's what they always do," "Oh, of course she talks like that, he acts like that," then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another; if I can in any way slight another in conversation, or even in thought, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I can write an unkind letter, speak an unkind word, think an unkind thought without grief and shame, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I do not feel far more for the grieved Savior than for my worried self when troublesome things occur, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I can rebuke without a pang, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If my attitude be one of fear, not faith, about one who has disappointed me; if I say, "Just what I expected" if a fall occurs, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I am afraid to speak the truth, lest I lose affection, or lest the one concerned should say, "You do not understand," or because I fear to lose my reputation for kindness; if I put my own good name before the other's highest good, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I am content to heal a hurt slightly, saying "Peace, peace," where there is no peace; if I forget the poignant word "Let love be without dissimulation" and blunt the edge of truth, speaking not right things but smooth things, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I hold on to choices of any kind, just because they are my choice, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into self-pity and self-sympathy; If I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve round myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have "a heart at leisure from itself," then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If, the moment I am conscious of the shadow of self crossing my threshold, I do not shut the door, and keep that door shut, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I cannot in honest happiness take the second place (or the twentieth); if I cannot take the first without making a fuss about my unworthiness, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I take offense easily, if I am content to continue in a cool unfriendliness, though friendship be possible, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I feel injured when another lays to my charge things that I know not, forgetting that my sinless Savior trod this path to the end, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I feel bitter toward those who condemn me, as it seems to me, unjustly, forgetting that if they knew me as I know myself they would condemn me much more, then I know nothing of Calvary love

.

If souls can suffer alongside, and I hardly know it, because the spirit of discernment is not in me, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If the praise of others elates me and their blame depresses me; if I cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself; if I love to be loved more than to love, to be served more than to serve, then I know nothing ofCalvary love.

If I crave hungrily to be used to show the way of liberty to a soul in bondage, instead of caring only that it be delivered; if I nurse my disappointment when I fail, instead of asking that to another the word of release may be given, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I do not forget about such a trifle as personal success, so that it never crosses my mind, or if it does, is never given room there; if the cup of flattery tastes sweet to me, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If in the fellowship of service I seek to attach a friend to myself, so that others are caused to feel unwanted; if my friendships do not draw others deeper in, but are ungenerous (to myself, for myself), then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I refuse to allow one who is dear to me to suffer for the sake of Christ, if I do not see such suffering as the greatest honor that can be offered to any follower of the Crucified, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I slip into the place that can be filled by Christ alone, making myself the first necessity to a soul instead of leading it to fasten upon Him, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If my interest in the work of others is cool; if I think in terms of my own special work; if the burdens of others are not my burdens too, and their joys mine, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I wonder why something trying is allowed, and press for prayer that it may be removed; if I cannot be trusted with any disappointment, and cannot go on in peace under any mystery, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If the ultimate, the hardest, cannot be asked of me; if my fellows hesitate to ask it and turn to someone else, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I covet any place on earth but the dust at the foot of the Cross, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

That which I know not, teach Thou me, O Lord, my God.

"For they all make us afraid, saying, 'Their hands

shall be weakened from the work,

that is be not done'.

Now therefore, O God,

strengthen my hands."

~Nehemiah 6:9

     "Fear is a crippling tool of the enemy to distract us from what God has commanded us to do. It causes doubt, discouragement and despair."

We finally made it back from India last night.  It was surprisingly a pretty nice trip. We got to take hot showers- which is only the second time we've had hot showers in 6 months.  Hot showers are NOT over rated. Out hotel actually had decent wifi too- which is saying a lot. And, they also had an incredible coffee shop.  It was just like a western coffee shop.  We were so thrilled!
 It says something about Bangladesh when you're in India and the little boys are saying, "It's just like America!!"  And, really, the contrast really does amaze me.  You immediately notice the increase in wealth and cleanliness, the decrease in people and traffic, and it's all around just... more advanced.  We actually found a legit, western coffee shop there. Women walk around by themselves- nicer shops, nicer clothes, nicer vehicles...  It makes me feel so sorry for Bangladesh.... there just doesn't seem to be a whole lot of hope for improvement.
Driving to India you get to see the incredible filth, poverty, pollution and over-population in the cities and you get to see the beauty and simplicity of life in the villages and farming areas.  Or, I don't know.  I guess I don't actually know much about it- but it seems beautiful driving by...haha..  It's so green and the fields of rice are so beautiful... and watching people out there working together and plowing the fields with water buffalo..?  It's pretty cool. Women working in beautiful saris and the endless ponds and rivers.. It's really amazing and beautiful.
While we were driving by I saw a family camped out in a field.  Their home was a sort of make-shift tent made out of plastic and it looked big enough to sleep in.  I don't think it would be big enough to sit up in.  I saw a mother sitting out in that field feeding her 3 young children breakfast on a mat in the grass.  I haven't seen a family as poor as that.  It's so sad.  In Chittagong we saw a little girl on the street carrying her baby sister around who was sleeping on her shoulder.  She was running around by herself on a busy, crowded street- taking care of someone only a few years younger than her.  As sad as it is to see that, it's strange because she doesn't know any different- for her it's just normal.
It's hard seeing things like that all the time- and really feeling unable to really do anything...
We realized as we were crossing the border this time that our Bangladesh visas expire in May.  We has all assumed we had a year since we arrived in July.  But, our visas actually end a year after the date they were issued which is May. Apparently Bangladesh allows you to stay an additional 3 months are your visa expires and you have to pay a certain amount of money.  So, instead of being able to stay until October at the latest, we can actually only stay until August at the latest.  Which is like a really big news flash. Visas have to be renewed from the States, so I don't know exactly what that means- if we all have to go back or if some of us can go back and get them renewed.  I don't know.
So, anyways- that's a lot to take in for us.  A lot to think about.  I guess we'll see.  I feel really unsure about what my next step is after a year is up here... it's a little intimidating. :-/

I like being spontaneous a lot- but I also don't like feeling like I didn't do things that need to be done. So, yeah- I admit, I do like my days- well, mornings, in particular- to be rather structured.  Even scheduled.  :)  But, just as I was getting into a nice routine, we all had to go and get sick!  I don't think I've ever been so sick, at least not for so long.  I think I was in bed for about 5 days... ugh...  I really like to keep busy and I think I really don't get as much sleep as I should, so a few days of rest was not all bad.   We are all getting over whatever that was now- and I'm really grateful because we have to travel to India this week. I can't imagine being sick and traveling here... :-/

It's too bad we were sick this last week because we had a YWAM group visiting Cox's.  3 Americans, 5 Germans, a girl from Sweden and a Bangali.  I was kinda bummed I didn't get to spend more time with them, they seemed cool and it is really nice to actually be able to talk to someone!  And someone outside of our family too!  Tomorrow we have another group coming in from Hawaii.  I really never imagined meeting so many people here.  We've met a lot of Americans and Bangalis, of course, but also Australians, Polish, Germans, Koreans, Belgians, Papua New Guineans (?), Swedish, Canadians... and I think that's it? That's pretty cool though- meeting people from all over the world.

We've definitely been busy.  And it seems like things are just going to keep getting busier.  And that's okay with me. We are planning on buying some coats and blankets for some of the people on the street- it actually gets really cold here at night!  So we are hoping to be able to have some sort of ministry there.  I'm excited about it.  And, I actually carried on a half- way decent/halting conversation in Bangla!  I was feeling pretty good about it- until I went to visit some women today that I met on the beach and could hardly understand them or speak to them- this language is ridiculous!

Time is going by so quickly- I know I've only been here for just about 6 months, but it's gone by so quickly!  I think the next 6 months are going to go by just as quickly probably and I really feel like it would be nice to know.. I don't know.. what I'm supposed to do next. I am open to wherever the Lord leads at this point- but I don't really see many options right now.  So, I am just here.  And I am learning the being faithful to the Lord's direction- even if it seems very small and insignificant to us- is really important.  I am trying to be faithful in the small things of today.   

It is probably pretty evident from my lack of ever blogging anything that I've either been very busy or that there's just not much to write about... well, both are true. I suddenly got really sick last night and now that I'm just laying in bed.. I thought I may as well write something. ;)  Things have been going pretty well here.  I feel like we're settling into life here, things have become fairly routine and it doesn't seem so strange being here.  Finally!  Some normalcy! ;)  It's strange, sometimes when I am outside I will see people staring and it kind of confuses me and I wonder why they're staring, then I remember, "Oh yeah!  I'm white!"  It just doesn't seem that unusual to me anymore.  The weird thing about all that though, is that it doesn't feel like we are on some grand "missions trip", it feels like we are just living here.  We have our bible study on Tuesday nights and the men have a bible study 2-3 nights a week.  Us girls have started meeting together once a week for a bible study.  We visit with the neighbors a lot.  We study Bangla a lot.  We clean, and cook and shop... and, I dunno, it's just living. Things here are a lot different for women than for men.  We definitely are a lot more limited in things we can do.  But, the guys have been going out and handing out tracts/sharing lately.  And, I'll just be honest- I am not too disappointed that we can't do that. haha... handing out tracts/street ministry had never been my favorite.  I don't know, I think sometimes we get pictures in our heads about what life is like on the mission field.. and we forget that you have to live there too.  We forget all the daily things in life like eating or having clean clothes.. because those aren't as important or as exciting as the other stuff.  And, also, not really being able to speak in Bangla is extremely limiting. I never could have imagined how challenging/intimidating it is to try and communicate with people when you only understand a little bit!  It's very uncomfortable and I feel so bad that I can't understand! And, honestly, it's just a lot of work.  Sometimes I feel like I am not doing anything great by being here, and it all seems really pointless... but, when I came I felt the Lord was telling me to come to help my family- to support them as they are starting out.  So, I guess, it's not a big thing- I don't have any long term visions as far as Bangladesh goes, but I am here, and *hopefully* :/... I am being faithful in the small things.  And, I definitely feel like it id right that I am here for now.  That being said- I have no idea what the next step from here is.  I guess that's usually the case. I originally had a year in mind when I came, and that actually may be how it works out because of our visas.  And also, the political situation here is very bad.  So much so that I've heard the country may be on the brink of civil war.  Lots of rioting and violence.  Even last night I could hear men chanting and screaming from some rioting in the streets... it's really crazy and kinda scary. Anyways.. that's pretty much it from here.