So- on Sunday I ran like 15 miles or so.  I was supposed to run 17, but...I don't know.  It's so confusing figuring out the mileage.  Really annoying.  It felt like I ran 20- but I guess I'll never know. ;)  Which, by the way, is why I really want one of those GPS running watches.  That would definitely improve my life. :)  A friend told me about a really cool running/biking trail.  And I really liked it.  But, after being out in the very hot sun for hours, running, and rationing water... and my bones start hurting and I'm getting tired and I still have miles to go.  That's when I start thinking- "Okay.  So remind again why I love running.  Tell me again why this is fun?" (haha)  When things get really challenging- I'm hot, I'm tired, I'm sore- that's when I have to remind myself of why I started this and what the goal is.  It's funny how you can be out there doing- and totally forget the whole purpose of it.  It doesn't change the fact that I'm sore and tired, but remembering the purpose of it certainly helps! :)  The bottom line is- I love running.  That's why I'm out there.  That's why I'm committed to it, even when it's really difficult.  You should see my feet- they are definitely proof  proof that it is difficult.  Plenty of battle scars believe me! :)
I guess a lot of things in life are like that- things we are doing (or things we know we should be doing), but somewhere along the line we just forget why we are doing them.  We become purpose-less people who are just doing a lot of things, but we are totally missing the point.
This morning I was reading my Bible.  I have a little schedule that helps me keep up.  I guess I'm kind-of a list person.  I don't like not having things 'checked-off'. ;)  So here I am doing and I had to ask myself, "So, why are you doing this again?  What's the point of it?" 
I guess I know I should read my bible and so I do. But I've forgotten why.  I've forgotten to be doing with purpose.
Let me just say- I'm tired.  I want to finish- but I'm just tired.  And it's now that I've got to be reminded of why I started all of this in the beginning.  I'm going back through the last few years and asking, "Okay, what motivated you to pursue God in the first place? "  And trying to get sight of that vision again.  I hope the bottom line is that-  I love Jesus.  And that's why I started out. And that's what needs to keep me motivated to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Slowly Fading...

I think we live in pretty scary times. Honestly- they are confusing and difficult and...yeah. scary. It seems like there is an attack on my generation. If we really stepped back and looked at ourselves, where we are at- I think we would be shocked. The things we do that have become "the norm" today... I think a few years ago we would've been horrified by. The things we used to label "the things we would never do"...are now merely just the normal. And I am not speaking necessarily about others- I'm speaking of myself. I am no longer surprised about our/my compromised position. It's just what's expected.
I think, for myself anyways- there was a time where I was so concerned about outward holiness/righteousness, I was so concerned about upholding "the standard", that I have over-corrected myself in reacting to that. But at least there was safety in all those rules. Or at least, it felt safe. ;)
I was listening to Casting Crowns Slow Fade this morning. It's so true. One "little" thing at a time- look at where we are at. And it scares me, not only for myself- but because, whether I like it or not- my actions have a huge impact on others. One line of the song says," be careful little feet where you go because it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow." That is a scary thought.
We are so "in-between". We are neither fully in the world or fully out of it. And no wonder we are so miserable! We are a compromised people.
Another song I heard said this, "in your presence God, I'm completely satisfied."
That was pretty convicting to me. Because it seems like I'm always saying I will be satisfied when this or that thing happens. If I have God- and nothing else. Will I be satisfied?
Don't get me wrong- I am not advocating we start coming up with a bunch of rules to regulate ourselves. No. There is no satisfaction in that. But my question is, is Jesus enough? Or is He not? I think most of us are too afraid to let all these things go so that we can find out. I know I am.
I do not want to pursue holiness or righteousness as the goal. I want to pursue Jesus and as I am learning Him- I want to see Himself worked out in me. As He becomes more and more- all those other things will become less and less.

Oswald Chambers

. . . it has not yet been revealed what we shall be . . . —1 John 3:2

Our natural inclination is to be so precise—trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next—that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, “Well, what if I were in that circumstance?” We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.
Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life—gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God—it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, “. . . unless you . . . become as little children . . .” (Matthew 18:3). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, “. . . believe also in Me” (John 14:1), not, “Believe certain things about Me”. Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in—but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.

Ugh. I guess I knew this was coming, so I don't know why it seems like a grenade just got thrown into my life. I guess I've been successfully avoiding the inevitable... It's been another really rough day. Why is it that whenever I start feeling content and settled somewhere I have to leave? It makes me feel so tired.. Picking it all back up again. Going back home. When my dad told me I literally felt sick. I can do what is expected of me, but my heart is kicking and screaming. Somehow it doesn't seem to matter what I want. It just hurts so much this time. I have to give up what I want, what makes me happy to give my family what they want, what makes them happy. So there you have it. I am just being selfish. I know. It just feels like my heart is being ripped to pieces, trampled on. I know there must be a purpose in all of this giving up and hurting and aching and dying and emptiness and loneliness. But oh my gosh. It's killing me. I am trying so hard to submit my wants to HIS wants. But wow- it is so hard. I'm not finding the joy in it right now. I keep expecting the pain to stop, but it doesn't. It keeps getting deeper and growing and aching more and more. Until it literally makes me want to hit something really hard or throw something or scream or just run until I can't run anymore....
Just when I start finding happiness, just when I find a reason to hope...it gets taken away. And I am left feeling empty and alone again.

Life is just so confusing.  Or I don't know - maybe it's just me.  Maybe all the answers are really obvious and they're right there in front of me, and I'm just too dumb to see them.  I wouldn't put it past me.  What can I say?  I don't really trust myself much these days.
It's really hard.  I truly desire to do what is right.  Not just what is right for me, but what is right for the ones I love and care about.  I've always been that way.  But now- it doesn't seem like the right thing to do is very clear. 
The bottom line is, I'm just really really afraid.  I'm afraid to move.  Afraid to do anything.  Afraid that if I take a step in any direction it will be a huge mistake.  Afraid it will hurt too much.  Afraid it will cause damage that cannot be undone.  I'm afraid of what I will lose.  I'm afraid of this pessimistic, angry and disappointed attitude I have towards life.  There are expectations of me- I'm afraid of failing. I
 I start looking back and questioning and rethinking and puzzling about past choices and wondering... was that right?  why did I really do that? why did I really want that? what really influenced that choice?  Ugh.  My own heart deceives and confuses me.
There are moments.  Sweet precious moments where my heart settles into a place of rest.  It's like everything clears away and I can see.  But then something always happens that snatches that away and causes me to doubt again...
Sometimes I think if everything was quiet and I could just block out the thousands of thoughts and suggestions and corrections and statements coming from the outside...that then maybe I could just hear from God..  and find peace.  Unfortunately- it's just not that easy.
I'm sure one day it will all make perfect sense.  It will all be so clear... and maybe I will even get to understand why things are like this...  I guess I'm not very patient though.  I've learned to live like this... most of the time I just accept it.  But other times I just want to scream and kick and say how unfair it all is and that I just want it to be over, and that I just want the pain to stop.  I feel tired.  But the race isn't over-  I can't seem to stop. 
But that doesn't help.  One thing I know is this- there's enough strength provided to get through the day.  I get overwhelmed when I start looking into the future- a future I cannot see- and trying to take full weight of it today.  I have today. This moment.  And I have enough... simply because I have Him.  The ache is still there.  The confusion.  The empty and lonely moments.  All of it.  But for today He has been enough.  I am trusting He will be tomorrow.

"Casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you..."

"When my heart is overwhelmed withing me, lead me to The Rock that is higher than I..."

 Honestly-  I'm having a pretty rough day.  Not gonna lie.  So here's my feeble attempt at making my life appear brighter than what it actually looks like right now. :P
I am so glad it's finally getting warm outside again!  We're supposed to have weather up in the 70's this week. :) And it's even supposed to be fairly warm and sunny on Sunday. Which is race day.  And that's saying a lot for Eugene!
So yeah.  I'm pretty excited about the (now) half-marathon.  I'm sure it will be fun.  Sadly it will be a really fast trip over to the valley.  What can I say?  It is what it is.  Not much I can do to change that.... :-/  Sadly enough.
All that being said... I do hope to pop into the Sweet Life Bakery while I'm there.  Almond lattes and an infinite number of amazingly beautiful and expensive, but truly delicious baked goods.  Just the kind of place I like to be.