It's actually, well, pretty embarrassing to admit but, my birthday still means a lot to me.  I tell myself- you're 23 now- get over it!  But, in reality- I'm actually thinking, "..but it's my birthday!" haha... It is so pathetic and I know it.
It's funny thinking back to a year ago.  It doesn't seem that long ago and I can still remember everything I was feeling a year ago today.  It was- uh- a pretty rough day for me actually. ;)
It's pretty interesting to see how a year has gone- where it has taken you.  So much can happen/change....
Today we were invited to go on a field trip with a school on the first floor of our apartment building.  It was pretty interesting. We basically ate a lot of snacks, got on a bus, drove a few miles out of town to a different beach, walked to the beach, walked back, ate more snacks, loaded up again and drove back.  haha... interesting field trip.  It was fun hanging out with the kiddos though.
Mom and Dad and I went and had coffee tonight and Emily baked a cake. Isaac made me a super sweet card that had a picture of a cat walking through flowers.  It is adorable.  He also gave me his stuffed dog. :)
We had sari blouses made, which we got back today.  Mine is way too big.  That's a bummer. :-/  But we're gonna get all dressed up in our saris and go out for dinner on the 12th.  That should be fun. :)
I found the perfect pair of earrings today to go with my sari.  They were $17- ridiculous.  It's like inevitable that I'm gonna like the most expensive stuff...  I liked the $100 sari... the $17 earrings... haha... I'm just glad we're not buying new shoes! ;)
And now the powers out so I'm sitting in the dark, extremely hot, with bugs hitting me in the face as I write this.... Welcome to Bangladesh! ;)

Oldie- but a goodie :)

Feeling sick again today. :-/ It's not very fun. I am so tired!  Mom and Emily went to the local coffee shop today- I decided it was too much work to get dressed and walk down the stairs.. 

I've got to get over this- whatever it is- depression, discouragement- whatever you wanna call it.  I know I'm not here to lay around and cry and feel sorry for myself!  I keep telling myself to get up, to keep going- but I feel really tired.  I don't feel like I have anything to give.  Physically- I feel too tired to walk down the stairs.  Emotionally- I feel too tired to go visit the neighbor.  I'm trying to get over it.

I feel like I'm begging for people to notice- I guess I'm trying to see who even cares/notices if I'm hurting.  I don't ever suggest doing that- because you may be in for a big surprise.  It's stupid and immature and selfish of me I admit. :-/  I am discouraged by my own neediness and weakness....

I was basically told today to get over it- that everyone's going through a hard time.  I know that's true.  I know that if I would stop looking at myself and focusing on my wants and needs I could see the needs of the people right in front of me.

Sometimes there's nothing more comforting that knowing His strength is perfected in my weakness...

I am realizing that I use blogging as a total way to vent- so I do apologize for that. ;)

Today- and yesterday- have just beyond sucked.  I admit though, that today- I basically did nothing but sit around and cry.. 

There have been rough days, really rough days- but today I just feel like I cannot handle this.  It's just too much for me and even as I realize/say it- I know I am beyond pathetic, which only frustrates me more... 

Today, if there had been any way to go home- I would have been so tempted.

Sometimes I really question the purpose of me being here.

And basically I just feel so incredibly tired of being alone.  

Feeling... so empty.

... I can't ever sleep these days.  It's so frustrating.  It may have something to do with the annoying mosquitoes, not feeling well and all the worries/troubles that seem to pop into my head at night.  And so I just lay there thinking...and thinking... and thinking...
My pathetic-ness/neediness all torments me at night...
Sometimes there's just nothing like being busy all day to keep you distracted...

This morning Hannah and I were standing in our room talking, when all of the sudden we heard the most pathetic sound.  It sounded something like a woman whimpering.  We stopped and ran outside onto the veranda to see what was going on.  Oh.  It was so sad-  We saw a man, maybe in his late twenties?  surrounded by a group of maybe 20 people.  He seemed somewhat dazed- it was really confusing.  They had a rake which they were beating him in the back with.  He would stand up and another man would come behind him and start punching him. Then they would hit him with the rake again... Children would run up and kick him.  Men would kick him.  It was really awful to see. One of the worst things I've ever seen. It literally made me cry.  It was disturbing to see the apparent delight everyone was having in it-  even small children.
I was so thankful to see Dad had gone down.  They told him that he was being beaten because he had stolen a rake (which they were beating him with).  So, dad told them they had beaten him enough.  Even as Dad helped him up and they were walking away a man kicked him in the back and another child kicked him.  The man was absolutely filthy- extremely thin.  He had an open gash on his hand that was very swollen and infected- something that happened before today.  His lip was gashed open and bleeding.  He had patches of skin on his face which almost looked like they were rotting off.  Dad was able to help clean him up a little bit and we were able to give him some food and water.  Anytime we're outside people gather- but especially when there's something unusual to see- like Americans helping a dirty heroine addict who had just been beaten for stealing.  It was very, very sad. It was a really bizarre way to start the day. ;)  But, one Bengali man- a teacher at the school downstairs- who we have been talking to a little bit lately, seem to have a lot of compassion.  He's very supportive of us helpitng the little boy who is so abused in the street.  When someone told him that this man was a thief he said, "Yes... but aren't we all thieves?"  It's really nice to see such compassion.  And the entire experience was a huge reminder of the wretched and miserable place God finds us in - and yet He continues to show us such love and mercy and compassion. Even is we deserve to suffer for what we have done wrong.
We also went shopping for saris tonight.  Shopping here is- crazy.  Suranjit always comes with us and helps us get the best prices/communicate with the shopkeepers.   Shopping is pretty bad for me cause I usually tend to have an idea of exactly what I want and when I finally find it- it's waaayyy to expensive.  As in this case where it was a sari that cost $100.  Haha... it's hard having expensive taste and no money. ;)  I found one I like though for like 20-25 dollars.  So it's all good.  We are going to go out for Hannah and I's birthdays and all of us girls were able to buy a sari.  So, yeah- it's gonna be fun. :)

For some reason I randomly woke up at 5 this morning.  I haven't been sleeping very well lately.  It is so beautiful and peaceful here this early.  Here in Bangladesh everybody gets up lat (maybe 9 or 10), and goes to bed late (maybe 1-2 am).  So late into the night we hear kids playing in the street and people talking...but the early mornings are so quiet.  And even a little cool outside.  I'm thinking maybe I should get up this early more often. ;)
I cannot believe it is October already- I'm shocked how fast this time has gone by. Winter comes here in November-January and they keep telling us how cold it will be.  I cannot wait. :)
I'm really seeking the Lord lately about the future/how long I will be here/ what's next.  I don't know that He's ever just given me the full picture of everything beforehand- but I really wish I had some picture. Originally I had a year in mind for whatever reason.  But I just don't really know.  In light of the work here, and the extremely difficult language- a year seem like nothing.  In light of everything else- a year seems like a really long time.  I feel very torn between two worlds.  When I think about leaving this place- I don't want to leave.  I love this place and I always want to be a part of it.  But when I think about staying- I don't want to stay.   It's difficult and isolated and lonely.  I miss home- I miss life, and normalcy, and people back in the states. I guess it comes down to living in today- being content in today- and serving Jesus right where He has me.  Still- I wish I knew.
The hardest thing about being here is feeling so alone, isolated, forgotten and unimportant.  It's humbling to see just how little you really matter in people's lives.  It's painful to see that people can get along just fine without you.  Everyone's lives go on- it doesn't matter if you're involved or not.  This was one of the biggest reasons I did not want to come here.  I even had literal nightmares about it... and now that it's here, yeah- it pretty much sucks.  I'm kinda feeling a huge loss lately.  There have been a few friends/relationships I never thought I'd lose- or that things would never change.  And now, they've either changed or they're gone completely.  And I get it- it's super challenging to keep up with people in the busy-ness of everyday life, things change, unforeseen things happen, internet is faulty, there are time changes, distances- that's life.  I myself am terrible at keeping up with people, so a lot of the losses I blame on myself.  All that being said-  I feel very much alone.  Very forgotten.  Very insignificant in the big scheme of things.  And I guess it was my pride that expected anything else.  It is a hard lesson to learn though.
Part of the alone-ness is that, there's so much here- everything is different and new.  Everyday is filled with unusual circumstances, different people, different clothes, different food.  Everything is different.  It's so daunting trying to share what life is like here with people who cannot really grasp it because they've never experienced it.  There are literally only 7 people who understand/relate to my life here!  So sometimes even talking to people- I don't even know what to say.
I suppose I'm feeling too sorry for myself- but, just being honest- these are the things that are the most difficult here. I have to remind myself that, with the Lord- I am never truly alone. Never forgotten. Never forsaken.  And that He not only understands, but shares in every burden, every tear, every sorrow....
On a happier note- today we are going to go buy saris for Hannah and I's upcoming birthdays.  I am pretty excited about that.  Also, this morning we were asked to come share some songs with a school.  There's literally a school on the ground level of our apartment building (weird?).  I'm not so excited about that- but hey, it should be interesting. ;)