I talked to a good friend this week. She amazes me- or maybe I shouldn't say that she does, but her simple trust in The Lord despite her extremely difficult circumstances amazed me. She's not one of those people who say its okay because they think they should. She sat there with tears in her eyes and honestly told us that she was hurting more than she ever had before, but that she was just rejoicing in The Lord and trusting Him and that she was more joyful and dependent on Him than she ever had been before. 

I was inspired. And gently rebuked for all my fear and unrest. Even while she was talking I felt so much fear in me. Hearing her talk about how much this man had hurt her- it terrified me. It was a good reminder of how weak, how easily broken, how easily shattered I am without Him. A good reminder of no matter how much you may love someone - they are still human. And no matter how much they may not want to hurt you, they will. 

And the opposite is true. I do not want to hurt the ones I love and yet I do. And that is why we must find strength in Him. I think we can only truly love without fear of being broken by trusting the One who has promised to hold us together.  We must be complete in Him.

I am fearful. I realize more and more that to love is a crazy paradox of joy and sorrow, of deep joy and deep pain. It is both beauty and brokenness. It is both terrifying and exhilarating. 

It is even scary to be loved. To know that my actions, whether I want them to or not, deeply impact those who love me. It is strange to realize that you have such power to break down or to build up. It's like being handed a powerful tool without having any knowledge of how to use it. It terrifies me.

 I find myself more and more finding rest realizing that I cannot do it- but He can. Only He can truly hold us together. I beg Him to give me wisdom. I do not want to cause pain- but it seems inevitable that I will. I can only trust Him to teach me. Only He can turn ashes to beauty. And give joy for brokenness.

I am learning to just savor the moment. I feel it. I hurt. But I do not want to miss the good things happening right now because I am wasting my time wishing this or that thing was different. There will always be something in life that isn't quite how we want it to be. Strength is knowing and trusting that He knows and He will work and that He has purpose in everything. We can try and turn to so many empty things that we hope will make it better. They won't work.

Please turn to Him.