Life...

Sometimes. I'm just scared. just worried. Uncertain and unsure about...life...and every confusing and distressing thing about it. The constant battles and arguments that go on inside me head are purely exhausting. And I usually come up with nothing...nothing's clearer. Sometimes I want to call time out. But no. That's not an option. Life doesn't give you time for that.
In the end... God.
In the end... He cares for me.
In the end... I can give all my cares and worries and fears and troubled thoughts and troubled dreams and confusions to Him..... Why do I choose to be troubled?

Sunday Gleanings...

"The way to live the crucified life - the life that is dead to sin and alive to God - is to love God. To truly love is to deny self. When we get up in the morning our objective should not be to kill self, but rather to love Jesus. Love makes self disappear. Seeking to kill self is still keeping self in focus. We have to keep Jesus in focus. As we fall in love with Him - we will walk in victory. "


Let's praise God for what He's doing, even we don't understand. -James Lucas


"If you're not walking after the spirit, you are walking after the flesh.
Viewing ourselves as unable to sin is a problem - viewing ourselves as total sinners is a problem too. We don't need to live on side or the other- we need to live in Christ. We don't need to live as hypocrites or sinners, we need to live as new creatures in Christ."

Sundays...

Actually, today was a pretty good day. Even though my beauty rest was rudely interrupted by a screaming child at 5-something. :)
Yesterday I bought a black dress and red high heels. That makes it sound way more exciting than they actually are but, hey, it's always fun to have something new to wear. ;) I fixed my hair up like I was getting married, put on my favorite earrings and headed out the door.... only to find a blizzard awaited me. Streeeeeesssss.
Made it to Bend. Alive. Haha...
Fellowship was great. So refreshing and encouraging. James and Fran Lucas were there. I love them. You know when you really love someone and you don't know if you should show that you really do because maybe they don't feel that way and they'll think you're weird...? Maybe it's just me. ;) I love it though when you find out they love you too. James gave me a big hug, held my hand and told me how special my family is to him. Super sweet. Fran invited us to lunch. We went to a pancake house with them, Web Loy, Tory Rockwood and a couple others. It was such a sweet time!
Hannah and I strolled around the Old Mill district. We were, once again, asked if we were twins. ;)
Survived a treacherous drive home. Got stuck on an icy hill and had someone drive us home. Haha... Oh my life.
Watched YouTube videos and ate microwave chocolate cake in a mug with my sister.
All-in-all... I'm glad to be here.
Now. For some sleep... Just hoping the baby doesn't keep us up again... ugh.

Why is it that nothing in my life ever comes gradually? I always seem to be surprising myself! ;) And so, in a really hectic/fast paced way, a job opened up for me here in Redmond, OR, and... here I am! For awhile I guess.
Started work on Monday. So far, so good. I have been so busy. The last few days have just flown by. I am thinking it will take awhile to get settled in and get a routine going but, I am just thankful to have work! Nothing too glamorous... Cooking/cleaning/helping with the baby, but hey, at least it's work I'm familiar with! ;) Plus, bonus, I can "go to work" in my pajamas! :)
I am afraid I am going to get very homesick and lonely. I already miss my family like crazy. Hannah's here with me for the first part. I am so thankful for that! I just hope I don't end up super bored... my family is pretty fun to be around. They're hard to beat!

We do not need to define ourselves based on our failures or our successes, by our losses or our victories. We need only be defined by Christ, and who we are/where we stand in Him. If we add up the total of our actions they amount to less than nothing. Why do we needlessly stay there? So you messed up. Why are you surprised? You, living and acting in your own strength are going to live an entire life of nothing but mess ups...this is why we so desperately need Jesus... When will we realize how wretched and miserable we are without Him? Let past failures drive you to Him. Not to despair or hopelessness.

Sometimes people can say things that cause so much pain, and they are totally unaware of it. But it hurts nevertheless. It's not even so much what they said, it's more how about how it made you remember something that was already hurting.
I want to learn contentment right here. right now. I want to find joy in Jesus...*regardless* of all the voices that tell me I can't be happy until this happens or that changes or until this stops hurting.. No. In today. In the moment when I am hurting the most, I want to be able to acknowledge that my joy is IN HIM. Not in my present circumstances or struggles. The truth is that we can be victorious through Him. We do not have to wallow in self-pity, remorse, regrets, defeats or sadness. As Tozer put it, "We can well afford to make God our all, to concentrate, to sacrifice the many for the One."
Most days I could readily agree with that statement... but I certainly to not live as though I believed it. The truth is, I feel sorry for myself. I dwell on what makes me unhappy, rather than finding ALL my joy in Him.

I am re-reading 'The Pursuit of God' (A.W.Tozer). I have been slowly reading through it and find myself wanting to share quote after quote. I love this book. It is so simple, so profound. I personally think you should probably just read it... see what you think. :)

When I am finally being brought to the conclusion that I know nothing, understand nothing, can accomplish nothing, am nothing. As I begin to see more and more my own failure and weakness and sinfulness....
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10 KJV)

My son, keep thy father's commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother: Bind them continually upon thine heart, and tie them about thy neck. When thou goest, it shall lead thee; when thou sleepest, it shall keep thee; and when thou awakest, it shall talk with thee. For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life: (Proverbs 6:20-23 KJV)

Me: " I wanna look like that when I grow up!!!!"
Hannah: " You ARE grown up."
Me: " DAAANG IT!"
Hannah: "Yeah. You failed."
Lol....

http://youtu.be/JdCYD4z_vjA

And after my thoughts have spun around in the same vicious circle for the hundredth time and I still come up empty handed... I can only come back to HIM, and say, "Though He slay me...yet will I trust Him."
After I have thrown out all my anger, frustration, confusion and pain at Him, there He stands ever patient, ever true, ever loving, ever kind...the only stable place I can stand.

http://youtu.be/iZQzk3Feq2M

http://youtu.be/5eKJ8FkImqM

http://youtu.be/FqIJnD2rJh4

It's just one of those days where you hate mirrors, and you put makeup on for absolutely no reason just to try a d make yourself feel better...;)

It has been a rainy day.
I went for a run in a little drizzle. Went for a bike ride in a downpour. :)
We came home drenched and cold and tired and laughing.
After a hot shower and a hot drink... here I am snuggled up in a blanket, warm and dry.
Sadness is a strange thing. Life wouldn't be itself without it. But I find it strange that we so often forget it is there, we are alive, we laugh, we enjoy things and then...there is the remembrance, and then there is sadness. It seems to come out of nowhere. But, in reality, it is always there.
Sometimes I wonder about me. Wonder who/what I really am. One minute I am so sure that I am doing what is right, the next I wonder if I am a coward. I can talk so big, plan out an argument... and those always seem to fall apart. I hate always second guessing. I hate the fear of wondering what I will look back on and regret. Things I can never change, never redo. I am afraid of one day looking back and seeing what I have lost, of seeing what I could have gained. I hate my own lack of wisdom and foresight. I wish so often that I could just see. Just see the next step. Just know that the things I am choosing to do/not do right now won't be things that I will regret. And there seems to be no way of knowing. I do not trust myself, or my understanding. Everything is so confusing. And I am fearful of the impact my decisions will have on others. I hope to do what is right for them. I hope that I am not behaving selfishly. But I never know.... Perhaps if I felt confidently that I was always hearing HIS voice correctly I would not be so fearful..

I am really happy to be back in Oregon. I am loving how green and wet everything is. A far cry from Wyoming.
I ran this morning. It's been too long. It felt so nice to be outside moving.
These Booher kids are too fun. I can't keep my heart from melting with little 3 year old Ellie. Especially when she declares to her sister, "I'm in love with Caley!" I really like little kids. :)
Helped John in the shop today. Actually really enjoyed the work.
And, for today, such is life. Now. Tomorrow? :)

Driving past the Portland airport, Hey! I was there almost exactly 6 months ago! And here I am in Portland again. It seems impossible that that was really that long ago....
My lifelong friend has been married for 6 months already?

" What shines forth and reveals God in your life is not your relative consistency to an idea of what a saint should be, but your genuine, living relationship with Jesus Christ and your unrestrained devotion to Him.... I am called to live in such a perfect relationship with God that my life produces a yearning for God in the lives of others, not admiration for myself."
-O. Chambers

Life is such a crazy thing. And getting increasingly crazier.
It's funny how quickly time goes by. How quickly things happen. How quickly things change.
Sometimes I just have these "dawning moments", where suddenly all the rushing of my life is stopped and I'm forced to stop and consider. Stop and look back. Stop and think about who I am, where I'm at physically/spiritually/as a person.
Stop and consider events or circumstances or people that have/are affected/affecting me.. made me who I
am, changed my heart or my direction.
I woke up this morning in Post Falls, ID and am now traveling back to Oregon. Strange. My home is in Wyoming. Stranger. Relationships have changed. Friendships have changed. I am not who I once was or who I think I should be. I am me. Whatever that is. Good or bad? Beautiful or ugly? Whatever. It doesn't matter so much. I just am myself.
Things that used to matter so much.just.dont.anymore.
I am who I never imagined myself being. And it is laughable!
Here I am, at the bottom, like everyone else. Finally seeing the failure I have always been, but have always failed to realize. And finding that there is hope for us. That we are not forsaken. Not alone.
That no matter how far we may be from what we think we should be, He is able.and willing.and continually loving us.
I may give up, I may fail miserably, but Him? Never.