It has been a rainy day.
I went for a run in a little drizzle. Went for a bike ride in a downpour. :)
We came home drenched and cold and tired and laughing.
After a hot shower and a hot drink... here I am snuggled up in a blanket, warm and dry.
Sadness is a strange thing. Life wouldn't be itself without it. But I find it strange that we so often forget it is there, we are alive, we laugh, we enjoy things and then...there is the remembrance, and then there is sadness. It seems to come out of nowhere. But, in reality, it is always there.
Sometimes I wonder about me. Wonder who/what I really am. One minute I am so sure that I am doing what is right, the next I wonder if I am a coward. I can talk so big, plan out an argument... and those always seem to fall apart. I hate always second guessing. I hate the fear of wondering what I will look back on and regret. Things I can never change, never redo. I am afraid of one day looking back and seeing what I have lost, of seeing what I could have gained. I hate my own lack of wisdom and foresight. I wish so often that I could just see. Just see the next step. Just know that the things I am choosing to do/not do right now won't be things that I will regret. And there seems to be no way of knowing. I do not trust myself, or my understanding. Everything is so confusing. And I am fearful of the impact my decisions will have on others. I hope to do what is right for them. I hope that I am not behaving selfishly. But I never know.... Perhaps if I felt confidently that I was always hearing HIS voice correctly I would not be so fearful..