Well, now May is quickly coming to a close.
It's pretty strange to think that the "May conference time of year" has come and gone so quickly. And it certainly doesn't seem like it's been a year!  The May conference is my favorite- it's really sad to have missed it- at the same time it seems worlds away- like it just seems so impossible.  It's a weird feeling!
At the same time, we've had a really good week.  And it just feels like people must have been praying for us. It has been cooler, we haven't had heat rash, things haven't been so stressful....  It's been really nice.
Today Hannah mentioned to me that we should start thinking about what things we want to do before we go home.  It kind of shocked me.  It's already time to be thinking about that?  It's hard- ending something and going on to something new.  You start seeing all the good things.  And for me- that's being with my family. It's really hard to think being so separated from them.  It makes my heart ache.  But, it also makes me want to take advantage of every opportunity I have today. Especially with my little brothers.  I am learning more and more to value every good thing about everyday and not to be so caught up wishing for things in the future.  I have been so, so blessed to have been able to spend so many years with my family.  I am so blessed to have them as my closest friends.  And I am blessed to have a family that it is so hard to be away from.  I am really thankful, even though it has been incredibly challenging, to have been able to be here with my family.  I wouldn't trade it.
My worst fear is that they won't be able to go back to the States.  That would be awful.  Just to get on a bus and leave them here... it would just kill me.  All of us going back would really soften the blow I think.  I'm just trusting God- or trying to anyways. :-/  I know He will provide what we need and what is best. I will be thankful though, when we have some definite plans!  I don't like being up in the air with thing very much!

The time has been flying by and then, all of the sudden, this month it just stopped moving. I think it's all this talk of going back to the States... :) 
I woke up this morning thinking about it.  I feel pretty much certain I am going back.  And I've just kind of been feeling like my family will be going back for a little bit too.  But then, this morning I started thinking through the possibility of them not going.  That would be awful!  But, I'm just thinking through how all of this is going to work.  It will all be here before we know it!
Plus...  the most exciting  news this week.  Sara asked me to be her bridesmaid!  I am beyond excited. I actually cried when I read her email.  It means SO much to me to be a part of her's and John's big day.  I am really, really excited and honored.  And basically I CAN'T miss that.
So yeah- now the days are really going by slowly. ;)
Other than that, I've been thinking about what I want to do next.  There's definitely a lot of people I want to see in the States. My mom actually suggested I stay with my brother in Ireland for a while.  Which is definitely an option... although- another country?  It makes me tired.  But, who knows.  I've always wanted to go to Ireland so that would be really cool.  Plus, Dustyn and Keri and my beautiful nieces?  That would be pretty awesome.  But I don't have any definite plans yet.  I don't know, but I know the Lord knows and that He will be provide/lead.  So yeah, just taking it one step at a time.

A while back we had a young woman showed up at our door with a 20 day old baby.  The baby didn't seem well and wasn't really waking up at all.  He had a really strange color and something just didn't seem quite right.  She wanted money of course, but Dad told her we would not give money but we would take the baby to the doctor and buy medicine if needed.  So Dad did that, we gave her food, Dad helped her get home, bought her daughters some shoes.  And then... we keep seeing her.  Every time she needs something.  Then she brings her father to us, who also needs money and other things for his other daughter's wedding....

It gets so frustrating sometimes.  There are millions and millions of needy people in Bangladesh. Truly needy!  But it is so exhausting and overwhelming to be looked at as someone who you can get something out of all the time.  Some people lie to us, some people get angry if we don't give money, some people manipulate, some people will literally not stop touching you.... some people look at you and just say, "Taka den."  Which is literally just ordering someone to give you money, no asking- just demanding.  I have literally seen adults pointing at me and teaching their children to come ask for things. Like, "Hey, this is what you do when you see a white person!"  And it's not just the really needy people- it's also people with jobs and clothes and food.   It's really, really challenging.  And it's frustrating.  And it is constant.  And no matter how much you give it's never enough.  And there is seldom any appreciation expressed.

It makes it easy to become hardened to it- to be just so frustrated by it.  And I don't want to be that way.  I want to care about people- and I do.  I think that's what makes it hard- so often you are being taken advantage of because you care- and you never really know the truth of the situation.

All that to say, we have been a little frustrated with this lady. She keeps coming back and it seems like this is going to be another ongoing thing.  This time she just listed all the things she wanted, "Piyaj, roshun, adda, morich, hollud, tel, dal...."  It's all a just little odd.

But when she came this time- I really noticed how young she looked.  A lot of Bengalis look younger than they are though so we asked and she said she was 18.  I was shocked.  Her oldest daughter is 4 or 5.  And she has 3 children.  We keep asking about her husband and all she says is that he is getting married to someone else.  I don't even know if he really is her husband.  Dad asked if her husband gave her food and she said he didn't.  Dad asked why her father didn't help her and she said he's too poor. She showed us a mark and said her husband beats her.  I don't know-I don't understand it all.  And who knows what is actually true!  But, I just felt really sorry for her- she's 18 or 19 with 3 children.  She's tiny- and filthy.  Nobody is taking care of her- in fact, I think she's being taken advantage of.  She goes around and begs for things because she lives in a society were men rule and women have very few options to help themselves.  Where young girls are left raising somebody's 3 children while he marries someone else and doesn't even help her.  It's really,really sad.  And I don't want to be hardened to that- even if she is taking advantage of us or being dishonest. 

Isaac was brushing my hair while she was here for some reason... and she came in and took the brush and started brushing my hair.  She's tiny.  I think she could barely reach the top of my head!  After she brushed my hair she wanted to brush hers, so I started brushing it for her.  It was really, really filthy.  Later she pulled a bug out of her hair, showed it to me and then killed it...haha... I soaked the brush in bleach later. ;)  After she brushed her hair she giggled like a little girl- and I looked at her and realized- she is.  And she's stuck in a really awful situation and probably none of it is her fault.

When you see such sad things all the time- it's just the norm here.  Even she doesn't seem to think it's unusual.  It's hard not to feel guilty... all the time.  But I am learning you have to be flexible.  To really feel the sad things- but to also let yourself feel the happy things too.  And that's okay- it's nothing to feel guilty about. 

It has been pretty difficult to get a hold of the computer lately, so even when I actually do think of something to write... I usually forget about it.  Or I wait until late at night when everybody is in bed and it's quiet.  I don't sleep well anyways so it kinda works. ;)

It has been rough here lately- made that pretty clear in my last post I think. ;)  But I actually have been more encouraged the last few days.  I read this:

"He has put you in a difficult situation in His sovereignty; a difficult home, business, physical situation, a difficult situation with some relative. Beloved, that is the outworking of the Cross in your experience, in order to make a way for the Lord Jesus to have a larger place.  It is going to make a way for His patience, the endurance of Christ, for the love of Christ.  It is going to make a way for Him; and you have not to go to your knees every morning saying, 'Oh Lord, get me out of this home, get me out of this business, get me out of this difficulty!' you are to say, 'Lord, if this is the Cross in its expression for me today, I take it up today'. Facing the situation like that you will find there is strength, there is victory, the cooperation of the Lord, and there is fruit and not barrenness." (T.Austin Sparks)

I was encouraged by that- not that anything has changed.  It's still hot, it's still difficult and all of that- but remembering that there is purpose behind it all changes everything.

It's been a rough day here. I don't know what it is- things are fine and they're "normal" (as in- normal for here), then all of the sudden it's just more than you can deal with.
Being here- it's been like holding my breath for months and months. Just enduring every day as it comes, struggling to get through it.  And that's just how it is- until I suddenly realize- I can't breath! And enduring is not the same as living.
I would like to say that I meet each day with joy here. That I wake up filled with purpose and ambition. But that is far from the truth. Even the things I enjoyed doing at home, I hate doing here. I hate cooking and shopping here. There's no where to go, no point in getting dressed up for anything. It's hot. It's awkward. Everything is uncomfortable- nothing is normal. The food isn't appetizing. Trying to sleep is like torture. It's hard-at least for me. And I would very much like to say that all of those things are inconsequential to me, but they drive me crazy! And it's getting more and more to where I feel like I can't deal with it.
And I don't think people understand it. When I say things to people- I know they are thinking, "Whats the big deal? How can you be so concerned about yourself when people have it so much worse there?" And- believe me- I ask myself the same thing. But- the truth is, at least for me- it's hard. Really hard. To put it bluntly, I hate living here. Seriously. And for the first time since being here I feel like if there was a plane ticket- I would take it. It's so much more than I am able to deal with.
But... and this is where I always come back to- I don't want to quit. I want to do well while I am here. I don't want run home.  I wonder if that's my own pride- but I hope that I am obeying God. That's a whole other thing for me to sort out there...
I just miss home. Wherever that is. It's been so long since any place was home to me. It's been a long time since I've been somewhere that I really felt comfortable- really felt like it was mine. I would love to just.. BE somewhere, to really feel some sense of belonging.  I have been in this jumping from place to place thing for awhile now, and I'm tired. That's one of the biggest reasons I didn't want to come here in the first place. I want home.. and some normalcy, done independence..
I know it's just a season- and it's a short one. And it will be over soon. I don't want to miss it... but it gets harder and harder to be optimistic about things. 

Unfortunately the power went off at 3 this morning- and even more unfortunate is that it got so hot it woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep. So, it's now 6:30- I've been up for 3 and half hours accomplishing very little- with the exception of having some nice stove-top espresso and finally finishing the book of Jeremiah- which is definitely a challenge. ;P

There's been this sudden shift where the days have just started dragging by...  Probably a shift in my thinking mostly.  I'm sort of counting down the days until July now..haha..  I hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment but, it's hard not to be excited about the possibility of going home.  As I have said a lot lately- I'm SO ready.  I even dreamed the other night that I was packing for conference and all I had to wear were these obnoxious salwar kameezes.  It was awful and I hope that doesn't happen...!

It's basically been really boring around here lately.  I'm sure I'm being a baby- but I greatly miss my iPod. :(  I started re-reading a book I read years ago.  And I also started reading a book a friend left here about a blind man who climbed Mt. Everest...haha.. I'm seriously bored.

Thankfully though, we're taking an overnight trip to Mulamghat Hospital today. They have a baptist guest house there.  It's SO nice.  It's secluded and out in the jungle.  They have a pool and tennis courts.. and you don't have to make your own food, which is a huge plus. ;)  They have AC and hot water...  It's a really nice place to get away a little bit.

So yeah- a seriously lame post to reflect the boring days.  There ya go. ;)

Another month has begun- and with each new month I can't believe we've been here for this long.  I know I say that a lot- but it's true.  There were times when I didn't think we were going to make it, but God has been so faithful all along and in through every difficulty.  We are steadily getting closer and closer to reaching  the 'year mark'.  And I keep feeling more and more ready to go home.  Seriously though.  I feel very, very tired.  All of that's nothing new but I'm basically praying that God will let us go home!  I know my family will definitely be coming back, even if we do get to go back to the States.  I don't know about me.  I don't necessarily feel like I should come back and I definitely don't want to- but I also know how unexpected life can be.  So, I am waiting. Waiting for things to open up and fall into place.
Other than that, this week has been pretty slow with the normal weird things that usually go on.   Such as rickshawallahs who drive  crooked and won't stop hitting your leg, crows eating rats in the street, disjointed and easily misunderstood conversations with our neighbor about mashed potatoes, saris and pictures, moments of escape at KFC, eyebrow threading, Star Wars, meeting surfers from Hawaii, our building being painted pink and yellow, helping Arif with his lost shoes, attacks from cockroaches and other such random things.  The rainy season has also started, which cools things off considerably.  Not to mention the thunder here is incredible!
Last night I had this really strange nightmare.  I don't remember the last time I had a nightmare!  But this one seriously terrified me, like I couldn't fall back asleep I was so scared.  It was about a wolf- and while it seemed terrifying last night, today I cannot figure out why it scared me so much!  There were a bunch of dogs barking in the street.. so I don't know.  Maybe that triggered it.  Either way- it was really, really strange. haha...
Other than that, things have been pretty normal and slow.... ;)