Dustyn and Keri

I am going to Vancouver, Snohomish and Chehalis this week.
I am using my Passport for the first time. (I'm a loser I guess)
I am super sad about all the people who won't be in Snohomish while I'm there. :(
I am thankful for all the people we will get to see.
And I am glad that trips make time go by faster.
I am trying to finish this program strong but... *whew*...
I. am. tired.

(photo credits to rappin.wordpress.com)

It's really amazing how crazy life is.  How all the things you thought you understood and all the ways you expected life to go... just... don't. go the way you expect.  It's so much easier to understand why in retrospect.  But, in the middle of change and confusion, when the future looks daunting and uncertain, it is so hard to just trust. To not have to understand why. To be content without answers.   I am always tempted to ask the Lord for some sign... some clear direction of His will.  But then I realize that that is not trusting.  Life would be so much easier if we always knew the next step before we had to take it.  It would be so much easier to just know exactly how everything is going to work out.  But there is no faith, no trust involved with that.  It seems kinda funny how sometimes the most confusing thing is trying to figure out what is my will/His will.  It seems like it would be SO obvious!  But it usually isn't.  I am always surpsrised by things because I think I know how the Lord is going to work, I think I know how everything should be.  I have my box.  My plan.  My operating system.  And I think it's the Lord's plan too.  Nope.  More often than not... His plan is so much different than mine.  And, more often than not, what He does doesn't make any sense.  And soooo.... I am waiting.  Trusting Him to keep me walking in His ways.

"Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart;

and lean not on your own understanding.

In ALL thy ways acknowledge Him,

and He shall direct thy paths."

~Proverbs 3:5-6

"Teach me to do Thy will... for Thou art my God...."

~Psalms 143:10

 *deep breath*  5 more weeks.  Just 5 more weeks. :)

    Service for the Lord (or ministry) can only be a joyful thing for those who are not concerned about their needs... their wants... themselves.  I am continually telling the Lord how much I dislike going out on the street, going out door-to-door or whatever.  It's awkward and uncomfortable.  I keep wanting to just miraculously have a desire to go out... to all of the sudden looove going out. (haha)  I am seeing that, really, that's not what matters.  It doesn't matter so much how I feel about doing it.  It matters why I am doing it.  What is my motivation?  The right motivation is the one HE had, "Not MY will, but your's be done."  I think of how often the Lord spoke of delighting to do the Father's will.  That was His only objective.  "To do the will of Him who sent me".  True love for the Lord (or anyone else for that matter) is going to result in me giving up what I want because I care more about him, what He wants, what pleases Him than I do about myself.  I want to have a heart that delights in pleasing Him... not a heart that loves going door-to-door.  I mean, cause really? Is that ever going to happen?! (haha)  The answer is a total abandonment of myself and a commitment to do His will- to do what pleases Him.

"Let this mind be in you that was also in Christ Jesus;

who, being in the form of God thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 

but made Himself of no reputation, and took upon Him the form of a servant, 

and was made in the likeness of men:

And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled Himself,

and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross."

~Phillipians 2:5-8

"Behold, as the eyes of servants look unto the hand of their masters,

and as the eyes of a maiden unto the hand of her mistress;

so our eyes wait upon the Lord our God,

until that He have mercy upon us"

~Psalms 123:2

"Serve the Lord with gladness....."

~Psalms 100:2a

"For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will,

but the will of Him that sent me"

~John 6:38

One of my Favs... :)

Family pictures today.  (Will be posted soon)
Working on my Unreached Tribes Report for Sunday night.
Upcoming trip to Canada and Washington scheduled for August.  (Excited!)
Found out I have to take 4 hours of class and share my thoughts on one of the epistles. (Wow, didn't know that was coming!!)
Saw the very last part of the training program's schedule hanging on the wall today. (crazy)

I am smiling today.  My nieces have re-captured my heart.  :)
Went and had coffee with my family today.  We were loud.  we spilled drinks.  Isaac fell off of a bike rack and landed on his head.  He cried.  Abigail cried.  We all gasped and chairs went flying everywhere as we tried to rush over to him.  haha... my family is so fun.
*deep breath*  We are in our 20th week of training.  6 more to go.  I feel (like a friend said) that I am in auto pilot.  I don't feel anything.  I'm tired.  Ready to move on.  I feel like I have absorbed as much teaching as I possibly can.  I know it is important to be as committed and diligent now as I was when we first started. But, it's being really hard on it.  Bottom line:  I have a bad attitude.
It is so easy to get so wrapped up in the doing of things that you forget all the reasons why you started doing them to begin with.  It is so easy to lose the perspective of: "I'm doing this because the Lord told me to, and so I am doing it 'as unto Him' and switch to: "I am going through the motions of doing what I'm have to do.  I am just going to skim by and give it the bare minimum."
John and I were talking the other night about the purpose behind what we do.  Whether it's your job, or getting married, or raising children or going through the training program, or going overseas.  If it doesn't have the right purpose behind it, it is worthless.  It's so true.  I can go out and do good and right things, but, when I check the motivation behind it all... it is often soooo lacking.  It was a pretty thought provoking question.  So, what is driving me?  What is the purpose, the motivation behind my goals?  Am I just pursuing things because it is what I want?  Or am I pursuing what His plans are for me?  I would hate to pursue all my desires only to realize that they are empty, worthless and unfulfilling apart from Him.  Even the things that are good and right.

Crazy to think about being here with these people some day soon.  Exciting.

Lovin' this song right now....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Io_6kB6yHzw

"And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh

with the affections and and lusts"

~Galatians 4:24

When I read this today I realized that this is a really good definition of a Christian.  What does it really mean to follow Christ?  It means to be dead to the world, dead to self, crucified with Him. Looking over the list Paul gives of the works of the flesh was... convicting.  It made me stop and think.  How many of these things are manifested in my life? And how few of the fruits of His spirit?  Perhaps I am not necessarily doing these things but what music or entertainment do I allow that encourages these things?  Something for me to think about.

I realize that I do not want to follow Christ in a lukewarm, sloppy way.  I realize that if this is true He is worthy of all.  

 

Wow.  SO many thoughts all jumbled up in my head.  If I can ever make sense of myself it will be a miracle.
You know how it is when you keep asking the Lord to speak to you?  And then He speaks and it hurts.  He whispers to you about some part of your life that isn't right... isn't pleasing Him.  He always gives hope and promises His grace and strength but... the flesh is so resistant.
How do I keep managing to get myself into these messes?  How do I keep come coming to a place of such confusion?  Why do I have to get here before I finally say, "Lord!  HELP!  This is way too much for me too handle!"  Why is it that you can think you are following the Lord... being led by Him.. and then you wake up one day and realize, "Oh, well, that was selfish.  That was wrong..  I shouldn't have done this or that..."  But I did.  And I can't go back and change any of it.
I have been trying and trying to make sense of everything... and NOTHING makes any sense.  I keep saying, "Why is it so hard?  When it should be SO easy?"  I realized tonight that... it isn't hard.  None of this is confusing or challenging to Him who holds all in His hands.  It's only confusing to me because of my limited and confused and misguided self.  It's only confusing and scary when I'm trusting my eyes to see.  Trusting my head to lead me.  And another thing.  Why is it that my heart never matches what my head is telling me to do?! I keep stressing over which one I should follow when, all I need to be doing is following Him. 
It seems so simple.  I think really, following Him always is. I make it complicated.  I keep trying to get my hands on the controls.... and oh. my. goodness.  I mess things up really well. 
How thankful I am that I can place it all in His hands.  All of it.  The confusion, failure, regrets, the feelings, the future.... all of it.  How thankful I am that I can trust Him with it. 
A lady I met today really encouraged me.  She just shared her testimony about how she met her husband and how the Lord brought them together.  She talked about how doing what is right is so rewarding and how you can't even realize the rewards until later on in life.  She talked about how much the Lord has shown His love to her by His provision of her husband.  I dunno... it just renewed in me a desire to be/do right.  To wait... and wait... and wait... if necessary for His plans.  And not necessarily in just a husband.... but in everything really.  I have been acting as though my heart/life were my own... something to do with as I please.  When, in reality, I gave them to Him a long time ago, to do with as HE pleases.
So, here I am once again...  putting it all before Him.  It hurts.  But I trust Him.  I often thing if that verse that talks about binding the sacrifice with cords to the altar... :)

Jackson's birthday was a lot of fun today.  I can't believe he is 10 years old!  Crazy!  It seems like I was a lot older than twelve when he was born....

I have recently made a new discovery.  Templates and Storyboards.  So much fun.  I have been experimenting out of boredom tonight.... when I actually should be sleeping, working on my "unreached tribes report"  or getting a jump start on this week's reading. But no. I'm not. :)

I broke my favorite lens this week.  I am super sad about that.
Especially since I am doing the photography for a dear friend's wedding in September.  I am very, very, VERY nervous about that.  And excited.... it's going to be super fun I am sure.  But oooooh.... the pressure.....  I have very little confidence in my "photography skills" (haha... ).  I am glad she has a lot of ideas. I am not very creative.  I mean it's her wedding day.  It's not like you can redo anything.  It's such a huge, scary, daunting thing.  On the flip side of that... how hard can it be to get great shots of something as beautiful as a wedding?  Nervous.

 I never bake anymore.  It's too bad really.  I sometimes miss having a nice big kitchen and lots of time on my hands.  Sometimes I think I have totally forgotten how to cook.  Sooo... whenever a birthday comes around I selfishly beat everyone to the kitchen.*smile*  Here is what I'm up to today:

http://annies-eats.com/2011/05/13/chocolate-raspberry-truffle-layer-cake/

I am excited.  And sad... I already know mine won't be nearly as lovely... ah well. 

Wow... so crazy to think how quickly the last few months have just flown by.  Here we are finishing up our 19th week of the training program. Only 7 more to go.  I'm not gonna lie.  While the training program has been amazingly incredible, and a real time of growth and learning.  I am getting.  Tired.  It's kind of like the last few miles of a long run.  You only have a little bit more to go.  You can see the end.  But you're tired and it's really hard to give it your all.  But at the same time, there is no way you're going to quit.  You just have to finish.  So here I am.  Trying really hard to give these last few weeks my all.  And.... not doing all that well. :)  So.  I am super thankful for my time in the program, but I am looking forward to the next season of life.  I think... haha...  I'm not really sure what that might end up being.  It is a little bit scary coming to the end.  When you're in the training it seems like your doing really well spiritually.  But, I have to ask myself, "Am I being diligent and faithful in reading the Word everyday just because it's required?  Will I ever go door-to-door or hand someone a tract ever again if I'm not forced to?  How often would I attend prayer meetings and extra Bible studies if I had the option to stay home?"  I don't really know.  So I see that while the Lord has definitely grown me through this time... there is still soooo much more that needs to change.  More and more I feel like a child.  Seriously.  And it doesn't help that someone thought I was fifteen the other day! haha....  I am just thankful that, even though I can see a lot of my weaknesses and failures, He is faithful to finish the work... and that His strength is made perfect in weakness.  I don't think I really understand that yes.  When I am weak I feel... weak.  Not strong.  Kind-of makes me wonder how much I really do look to myself and my own abilities instead of the Lord...?

"LORD JESUS, MAKE THYSELF TO ME

A LIVING BRIGHT REALITY;

MORE PRESENT TO FAITH'S VISION KEEN

THAN ANY EARTHLY OBJECT SEEN;

MORE DEAR, MORE INTIMATELY NIGH

          THAN E'EN THE DEAREST EARTHLY TIE."

Victory

"When you are forgotten or neglected, or purposely set at naught, 

and you smile inwardly, glorying in the insult or the oversight,

because thereby counted worthy to suffer with Christ

-that is victory."

"When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed,

your taste offended, your advise disregarded,

your opinions ridiculed, and you take it all in patient loving silence

-that is victory." 

"When you are content with any food, any raiment, any climate,

any society, any solitude, any interruption by the will of God

-that is victory" 

~Unknown Author

 

 

 
 

Diagnosis: Sesamoid Stress Fracture
 Well... I am so very pleased with the way my visit to the podiatrist went.  Apparently I fractured a teenie-tiny bone under my toe joint.  Who would've thought a little pea-sized bone being fractured could cause so much trouble?!  But... the good news is she said I could possibly be up and running (quite literally) in a month or so!  I am so excited.  I have to wear a lovely little shoe that wont let the joint move for a month, wear tape that restricts movement, ice and take ibuprofen or something.  I am so relieved it's not a bigger deal.  And, not only that, but that doctor's office was amazing.  She gave us free x-rays, and lowered the cost of the new patient visit.  That was a huge blessing.  The entire thing only cost $160.  I wish I had gone earlier. :)

X-rays....

 

My new stylish footwear :)

I have never been so excited to go see a doctor.  I am seriously super impatient for 1:30 to come tomorrow.  After months and months of my foot annoying/aggravating/hurting/keeping me from running I finally get to go see a podiatrist!  I am so tired of babying it and it continually getting worse. Maybe, just maybe they will have some wonderful little something that they can do to make it all better.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up.... but.... *smile*  Wouldn't that be nice??  I have to laugh at the pathetic blisters on my feet from walking on burning hot sand.  Yeah.  That's a little embarrassing...  No, no doctor don't worry about those blisters.. yeah, that's just from attempting to hike a half mile with bare feet in the desert on a 90 degree day right at the part of the day when the sun is directly shining on the ground.  Oh, and yes, I do have a brain. I think. hehehe....

"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy."

He that goeth forth bearing precious seed,

shall doubtless come again with rejoicing,

bringing his sheaves with him."

~Psalm 126:5-6

      Wow.  what an amazing promise.  I was so impressed by theses verses this morning.  I love the word doubtless.  It is so absolute.  If we go out bearing the precious seed (God's Word) we shall doubtless come again rejoicing...  And the promise of absolute fruitfulness:  "bringing in the sheaves".  After these last few months of ministry... and seeing so little "results"... it is sometimes so discouraging.  Especially when I begin to examine my own motivations/attitudes.  When it comes right down to it, and I am honest with myself, I have to ask myself, "Have I really changed at all?"  More often than not my heart is so far from it.  I have to wonder if I would go out "bearing the precious seed" if it weren't for the requirements of the training program.  Sure.  It is easier for me to go out.  I can hand out a tract a little more comfortably than before.  You can get used to anything (even door-to-door :P).  But, what about my heart?  Am I truly seeking to obey and please the Lord in this?  I think of what David said when he spoke of God desiring truth "in the inward parts".  I hope that is my desire too.  Not just an outward act of duty.  But a heart that sincerely desires to please Him in whatever way He chooses.  I am thankful that His Word accomplishes the purpose that He sends it to.  I am thankful He works despite me.  I am thankful that He is gracious enough to promise that He who goes out... bearing the precious seed... will doubtless come again with rejoicing.... bringing in the sheaves.  I am not gonna lie.  I especially like that part about coming back with rejoicing.  That does sound nice.

P.S.  It is rather unfortunate that the only song that I know of that has this verse in it is really, really annoying... someone should rewrite it.

Oh wow... here I go again.  Another attempt at blogging.  Why is blogging always like journaling?  A pathetic little attempt to "keep up", all the while apologizing for all the times you've totally failed to keep up.  Somehow I always seem to come back around to it though.  *smile*  Maybe it's more about doing something therapeutic for myself. Not to mention, it does help in keeping up with communicating with people.  In a very one sided way. :)  And then it is always so delightful to post something and then wonder who is reading what you've written and wondering what terrible things they are thinking/saying about you.  Oh dear.