Wow.  SO many thoughts all jumbled up in my head.  If I can ever make sense of myself it will be a miracle.
You know how it is when you keep asking the Lord to speak to you?  And then He speaks and it hurts.  He whispers to you about some part of your life that isn't right... isn't pleasing Him.  He always gives hope and promises His grace and strength but... the flesh is so resistant.
How do I keep managing to get myself into these messes?  How do I keep come coming to a place of such confusion?  Why do I have to get here before I finally say, "Lord!  HELP!  This is way too much for me too handle!"  Why is it that you can think you are following the Lord... being led by Him.. and then you wake up one day and realize, "Oh, well, that was selfish.  That was wrong..  I shouldn't have done this or that..."  But I did.  And I can't go back and change any of it.
I have been trying and trying to make sense of everything... and NOTHING makes any sense.  I keep saying, "Why is it so hard?  When it should be SO easy?"  I realized tonight that... it isn't hard.  None of this is confusing or challenging to Him who holds all in His hands.  It's only confusing to me because of my limited and confused and misguided self.  It's only confusing and scary when I'm trusting my eyes to see.  Trusting my head to lead me.  And another thing.  Why is it that my heart never matches what my head is telling me to do?! I keep stressing over which one I should follow when, all I need to be doing is following Him. 
It seems so simple.  I think really, following Him always is. I make it complicated.  I keep trying to get my hands on the controls.... and oh. my. goodness.  I mess things up really well. 
How thankful I am that I can place it all in His hands.  All of it.  The confusion, failure, regrets, the feelings, the future.... all of it.  How thankful I am that I can trust Him with it. 
A lady I met today really encouraged me.  She just shared her testimony about how she met her husband and how the Lord brought them together.  She talked about how doing what is right is so rewarding and how you can't even realize the rewards until later on in life.  She talked about how much the Lord has shown His love to her by His provision of her husband.  I dunno... it just renewed in me a desire to be/do right.  To wait... and wait... and wait... if necessary for His plans.  And not necessarily in just a husband.... but in everything really.  I have been acting as though my heart/life were my own... something to do with as I please.  When, in reality, I gave them to Him a long time ago, to do with as HE pleases.
So, here I am once again...  putting it all before Him.  It hurts.  But I trust Him.  I often thing if that verse that talks about binding the sacrifice with cords to the altar... :)