Monday, April 29, 2013

Oswald Chambers

Our natural inclination is to be so precise—trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next—that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, “Well, what if I were in that circumstance?” We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.
Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life—gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God—it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, “. . . unless you . . . become as little children . . .” (Matthew 18:3). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, “. . . believe also in Me” (John 14:1), not, “Believe certain things about Me”. Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in—but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Ugh. I guess I knew this was coming, so I don't know why it seems like a grenade just got thrown into my life. I guess I've been successfully avoiding the inevitable... It's been another really rough day. Why is it that whenever I start feeling content and settled somewhere I have to leave? It makes me feel so tired.. Picking it all back up again. Going back home. When my dad told me I literally felt sick. I can do what is expected of me, but my heart is kicking and screaming. Somehow it doesn't seem to matter what I want. It just hurts so much this time. I have to give up what I want, what makes me happy to give my family what they want, what makes them happy. So there you have it. I am just being selfish. I know. It just feels like my heart is being ripped to pieces, trampled on. I know there must be a purpose in all of this giving up and hurting and aching and dying and emptiness and loneliness. But oh my gosh. It's killing me. I am trying so hard to submit my wants to HIS wants. But wow- it is so hard. I'm not finding the joy in it right now. I keep expecting the pain to stop, but it doesn't. It keeps getting deeper and growing and aching more and more. Until it literally makes me want to hit something really hard or throw something or scream or just run until I can't run anymore....
Just when I start finding happiness, just when I find a reason to hope...it gets taken away. And I am left feeling empty and alone again.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Life is just so confusing.  Or I don't know - maybe it's just me.  Maybe all the answers are really obvious and they're right there in front of me, and I'm just too dumb to see them.  I wouldn't put it past me.  What can I say?  I don't really trust myself much these days.
It's really hard.  I truly desire to do what is right.  Not just what is right for me, but what is right for the ones I love and care about.  I've always been that way.  But now- it doesn't seem like the right thing to do is very clear. 
The bottom line is, I'm just really really afraid.  I'm afraid to move.  Afraid to do anything.  Afraid that if I take a step in any direction it will be a huge mistake.  Afraid it will hurt too much.  Afraid it will cause damage that cannot be undone.  I'm afraid of what I will lose.  I'm afraid of this pessimistic, angry and disappointed attitude I have towards life.  There are expectations of me- I'm afraid of failing. I
 I start looking back and questioning and rethinking and puzzling about past choices and wondering... was that right?  why did I really do that? why did I really want that? what really influenced that choice?  Ugh.  My own heart deceives and confuses me.
There are moments.  Sweet precious moments where my heart settles into a place of rest.  It's like everything clears away and I can see.  But then something always happens that snatches that away and causes me to doubt again...
Sometimes I think if everything was quiet and I could just block out the thousands of thoughts and suggestions and corrections and statements coming from the outside...that then maybe I could just hear from God..  and find peace.  Unfortunately- it's just not that easy.
I'm sure one day it will all make perfect sense.  It will all be so clear... and maybe I will even get to understand why things are like this...  I guess I'm not very patient though.  I've learned to live like this... most of the time I just accept it.  But other times I just want to scream and kick and say how unfair it all is and that I just want it to be over, and that I just want the pain to stop.  I feel tired.  But the race isn't over-  I can't seem to stop. 
But that doesn't help.  One thing I know is this- there's enough strength provided to get through the day.  I get overwhelmed when I start looking into the future- a future I cannot see- and trying to take full weight of it today.  I have today. This moment.  And I have enough... simply because I have Him.  The ache is still there.  The confusion.  The empty and lonely moments.  All of it.  But for today He has been enough.  I am trusting He will be tomorrow.

"Casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you..."

"When my heart is overwhelmed withing me, lead me to The Rock that is higher than I..."

Monday, April 22, 2013

 Honestly-  I'm having a pretty rough day.  Not gonna lie.  So here's my feeble attempt at making my life appear brighter than what it actually looks like right now. :P
I am so glad it's finally getting warm outside again!  We're supposed to have weather up in the 70's this week. :) And it's even supposed to be fairly warm and sunny on Sunday. Which is race day.  And that's saying a lot for Eugene!
So yeah.  I'm pretty excited about the (now) half-marathon.  I'm sure it will be fun.  Sadly it will be a really fast trip over to the valley.  What can I say?  It is what it is.  Not much I can do to change that.... :-/  Sadly enough.
All that being said... I do hope to pop into the Sweet Life Bakery while I'm there.  Almond lattes and an infinite number of amazingly beautiful and expensive, but truly delicious baked goods.  Just the kind of place I like to be.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Coaching Notes

"Prayer brings peace, clarity and direction. It builds faith and brings focus. It causes freedom, peace, and rest. Through it we worship God- we connect with Him and our relationship with Him grows. As we pray for others, our love and connection with them grows. Generally, prayer is behind Gods working."

" When we do not pray we see a decrease in faith, lack of awareness and a lack of purpose/direction in our lives."

"Prayer moves God to work- 'If my people...then I will..'"

"Prayer is the biggest tool I have to accomplish what God is doing in my life."

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Christian guy or Man of God?

Let's get this straight. There is a BIG difference between a Christian guy and a Man of God. The Christian guy might say that he loves you; but a Man of God will love God more than you. A Christian guy might text you Bible verses or have a tattoo of them; but a Man of god will live out those verses and have them written on his heart. A Christian guy might go to church; but a Man of God will see that his highest calling is to give Christ glory. A Christian guy might "accidentally" compromise your virtue or purity; but a Man of God will protect it above all else. A Christian guy might be super attractive, fun, or handsome; but a Man of God will have a beautiful heart, regardless of his looks. A Christian guy might be content to take you out, but a Man of God will go beyond the superficial and hold you up before God in his prayers continually.

So don't settle for just a Christian guy but for a Man of God. And long to be the kind of woman of God who will attract a man like that.
— with Miruna Georgiana Erskine.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

...do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness; (Colossians 1:9-11 KJV)
Saw this on the bulletin board at church- definitely worth consideration!

"If you're not serving The Lord, it proves you don't love Him. If you don't love Him, it proves you don't know Him. Because to know Him is to love Him and to love Him is to serve Him."

I think I've always had my own ideas about what serving The Lord looks like. Now I'm trying to understand what it is HE wants me to be, what HE wants me to be doing. Not what I think is important or worthwhile...

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Isn't it strange that you can be going along in life and then you suddenly realize that everything is different? You don't exactly know when it changed or what happened. It was not a conscious decision, or even something you realized was happening until you find yourself here. Until you find that you're a different person with different goals and pursuits.... The pursuit of my life has changed and I couldn't even tell you if it is a good thing or bad thing. At this point I simply know that it has all shifted.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

It has been a strange time of life for me lately.
Since finishing the training program some ridiculously short  4 and half months or so ago... It's been really nice just getting back to being "normal".  Doing normal everyday things... At the same time, I almost feel guilty, like I am not "doing" anything really important. And probably I feel more guilty because I do not want to be doing the things we had to do in training.  Honestly- I'm perfectly happy and relieved that I don't have to go do street meetings or go door-to-door now.  Oh. It is such a relief! haha...
But what I am realizing now is... even during the training program, when I was "doing" so much, I still lacked in passion, in purpose, in vision...  I did those things because I had to. Not because I wanted to.  And it was definitely worthwhile for me to be challenged and taken out of my comfort zone.  But at the same time, I have realized that... I'm just not passionate about evangelism.  At least not in that context. ;-/
I've been coaching with my brother these last few weeks.  Its been amazing.  Really amazing.  I've kind of been existing lately- but not living life with purpose.  Not really going anywhere.  Things I used to be excited about, I'm just not excited about anymore...  And so I find myself asking.. what am I supposed to be doing?  Where do I fit in in all of this?
I don't want to just exsist.  I want to have ambitions and goals I'm working towards and excited about.  I'm just trying to figure out what those should be.
Dustyn pointed out to me last week that God gives us different giftings, different things we enjoy, and He takes them and uses them for His purposes.  That seems super obvious, but I think I have been trying to put myself into this mold of what I consider to be important, what I consider to be "spiritual", rather than using the things I am already pursuing, already passionate about and finding ways of using them for a bigger purpose.
I dunno... like I said, that seems super obvious and simple.  But it was really impacting for me.  Really exciting actually.
So anyways... right now I'm just kind of sifting through things, thinking it through and I'm excited about gaining some new perspectives/insights.  I'm excited to be finding out what things I should be pursuing right now and putting my time and effort towards those things.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Feeling strangely disconnected.
I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's different. And I don't really like it...
Sometimes the people who have always known you best are like a mirror. When you compare what they expect you to be with what you are, you see just how much you've have changed/are changing.
I know change is just a normal part of life. I guess I've just always thought it would be more of outward circumstances changing...not myself!
It's scary letting go of what has been, who I have been. Its scary to realize I am not the same, to realize things are different and accept that.
It would feel so much safer if everything stayed the same- but then there would be no growth...