Ugh. I guess I knew this was coming, so I don't know why it seems like a grenade just got thrown into my life. I guess I've been successfully avoiding the inevitable... It's been another really rough day. Why is it that whenever I start feeling content and settled somewhere I have to leave? It makes me feel so tired.. Picking it all back up again. Going back home. When my dad told me I literally felt sick. I can do what is expected of me, but my heart is kicking and screaming. Somehow it doesn't seem to matter what I want. It just hurts so much this time. I have to give up what I want, what makes me happy to give my family what they want, what makes them happy. So there you have it. I am just being selfish. I know. It just feels like my heart is being ripped to pieces, trampled on. I know there must be a purpose in all of this giving up and hurting and aching and dying and emptiness and loneliness. But oh my gosh. It's killing me. I am trying so hard to submit my wants to HIS wants. But wow- it is so hard. I'm not finding the joy in it right now. I keep expecting the pain to stop, but it doesn't. It keeps getting deeper and growing and aching more and more. Until it literally makes me want to hit something really hard or throw something or scream or just run until I can't run anymore....
Just when I start finding happiness, just when I find a reason to hope...it gets taken away. And I am left feeling empty and alone again.