Life is just so confusing.  Or I don't know - maybe it's just me.  Maybe all the answers are really obvious and they're right there in front of me, and I'm just too dumb to see them.  I wouldn't put it past me.  What can I say?  I don't really trust myself much these days.
It's really hard.  I truly desire to do what is right.  Not just what is right for me, but what is right for the ones I love and care about.  I've always been that way.  But now- it doesn't seem like the right thing to do is very clear. 
The bottom line is, I'm just really really afraid.  I'm afraid to move.  Afraid to do anything.  Afraid that if I take a step in any direction it will be a huge mistake.  Afraid it will hurt too much.  Afraid it will cause damage that cannot be undone.  I'm afraid of what I will lose.  I'm afraid of this pessimistic, angry and disappointed attitude I have towards life.  There are expectations of me- I'm afraid of failing. I
 I start looking back and questioning and rethinking and puzzling about past choices and wondering... was that right?  why did I really do that? why did I really want that? what really influenced that choice?  Ugh.  My own heart deceives and confuses me.
There are moments.  Sweet precious moments where my heart settles into a place of rest.  It's like everything clears away and I can see.  But then something always happens that snatches that away and causes me to doubt again...
Sometimes I think if everything was quiet and I could just block out the thousands of thoughts and suggestions and corrections and statements coming from the outside...that then maybe I could just hear from God..  and find peace.  Unfortunately- it's just not that easy.
I'm sure one day it will all make perfect sense.  It will all be so clear... and maybe I will even get to understand why things are like this...  I guess I'm not very patient though.  I've learned to live like this... most of the time I just accept it.  But other times I just want to scream and kick and say how unfair it all is and that I just want it to be over, and that I just want the pain to stop.  I feel tired.  But the race isn't over-  I can't seem to stop. 
But that doesn't help.  One thing I know is this- there's enough strength provided to get through the day.  I get overwhelmed when I start looking into the future- a future I cannot see- and trying to take full weight of it today.  I have today. This moment.  And I have enough... simply because I have Him.  The ache is still there.  The confusion.  The empty and lonely moments.  All of it.  But for today He has been enough.  I am trusting He will be tomorrow.

"Casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you..."

"When my heart is overwhelmed withing me, lead me to The Rock that is higher than I..."