The days here have become so much cooler- it is so incredibly refreshing.  When we first came and it was so ridiculously hot I never could have imagined buying blankets and jackets, or actually ever turning the fans off!  Or that it would ever feel too cold to take a shower or go swimming...it's really weird.
I don't know where the days go- but they are so busy.  And at the end of the day there doesn't seem to be any great accomplishments.  We were discussing the other day how people sometimes envy those on the mission field because their lives are filled with such meaning and purpose.  I used to think that- and I think that's probably why the foreign mission field was always attractive to me.  Well, here I am- on the mission field- and I still envy the people whose lives have such clear direction and purpose. Both the people on foreign fields and at home.  I just can't seem to find that- and it's so frustrating!  Instead of feeling like I have accomplished something coming here I am afraid of going home and saying, "I don't know what that was all about.  I don't know that anything was accomplished at all!"  Not that I came looking for... I dunno, numbers or something like that.  But I expected this great sense of purpose.  But, in reality, being here is like having a mirror constantly showing me my failures, my selfishness, my inability... It's not easy. And maybe that's okay- I felt the same way doing the tent meeting, during the training program and now being here.  I am glad to have been involved in all of those things, but they certainly were humbling!  It's humbling to say, "Yeah, I ca hardly get myself to go out of my house and try to talk to the neighbor lady.... it's SO hard!"  Okay yeah- it is pathetic.
Ugh!  This language!  It is so difficult- and it's s frustrating to study for 2 or 3 hours everyday and then not have a clue what people are saying to you... and sometimes I really wonder why I am learning it- but, I keep trying anyways. What else can I do?
It is challenging to just try and be obedient to what you feel God is directing you to do, and to trust Him regardless of of not seeing any purpose in it...

Today marks our fifth month being here. The time has just flown....

This last month has been different for me.  Totally different.  A lot has been going on with me- a lot I haven't been able to - or haven't wanted to - put into words.  

I have learned that obedience does not always come with great ease or without a great sense of loss. And it doesn't always bring about immediate peace and joy. I have been thinking about Abraham and how God asked Him to give up Isaac- to let him go with out any hope or promise of getting him back. I wonder what Abraham's thoughts were as he struggled through that.  Because he not only loved Isaac, because he was his son or even because he was his only son- Isaac was so much more to him than that.  He was the fulfillment of everything he wanted, the promise for his future, the joy of his heart and, most importantly, the fulfillment of all God's promises to him. I cannot imagine how faith-shaking that would be, how much he must have been tempted to doubt God's goodness and honesty!  I am amazed by his devotion and the faith that He had in God- to believe all He had said and promised would still come to pass even though the present circumstances made God look unjust, deceitful and even cruel. And yet he believed God. 

I have also been thinking about Moses and the Israelites.  God frees them, miraculously delivers them- and they rejoice in that.  Then they suddenly realize they're standing in a desert and that they are tired and hungry and thirsty.  Standing in the middle of that desert the hope that they had had for the promised land must have seemed ridiculous!  This was anything but the promised land.  Their obedience was not met immediately with ease and comfort,  it was met with trial. Sadly, their response to God was often exactly the opposite of Abraham's, and more like mine.  They doubted. They were angry at God.  They believed He had led them into the desert to die, that He had forgotten them and that the promises they had had so much faith in were all lies. 

And this is what I have been learning.  Sometimes obedience can leave a great emptiness. Sometimes Isaac isn't immediately returned to us.  Sometimes obedience is met with trial.  And sometimes 'the promised land' is still a long ways off.

At the end of November we spent a few days visiting American friends at the Mulamghat hospital. It is so quiet and secluded there- plenty of time to think.  I was caught in that place where you don't want to be alone because you don't want to think and you don't want to be with people because you're not really happy. And I think it was there that I just started feeling like I wanted to disappear. As though that would make things hurt less.  When we left and came home I just started making myself busy. And I haven't fully realized until now how much I have tried to keep myself busy just so I don't have to think.  But at the end of the day when I am laying in my bed I sometimes cannot avoid having to face this emptiness and void that's in me. The one I'm trying to fill up with so much activity.  And the question is constantly coming to me is, "Why do I feel so empty?"  I find many reasons for it, all connected to each other.  But I can't seem to find a clear way out of it...  

I have tried to just keep my eyes tightly shut and just hold on until it's all over- simply because it is sometimes painful to face the truth, especially when you have no answers for it.  And I am afraid to dwell on those questions, not only because they hurt, but also because I am afraid I may not find the answers...

I think the difference between the choice that Abraham made and the choice that the Israelites made was simply that the one knew God and the other didn't.  They both faced the disappointment of everything they had hoped for, and they both responded so differently.  Abraham knew who God was, valued Him above his own desires and believed him.  I want to respond like that- to not give way to doubt and emptiness and despair.  To trust that even though God may have emptied my heart, and I may feel alone, or unimportant, or unloved, or without purpose, or empty, or beyond repair... that He will set it all to rights.  And to trust Him for the answers and for the direction in time.

I have wanted to  hide and to disappear- perhaps childishly and selfishly- and I know that's not the answer.  But God is slowly and gently, but faithfully leading me along.

 

A clean slate.  A fresh start.
I have been running for way too long.  I have been foolish and blind.  Hiding from the truth, hiding from things I don't want to believe, things I don't want to hear. I have justified myself- deceived myself.  Deceived the ones who care about me most and avoided being honest because it has been too painful to deal with.
I am tired of being held back by my own fear and weakness.  How long have I chosen to stay in this miserable 'middle ground'? And why? What good has come from it?  When did I start thinking that maybe God's way wasn't best after all and that it was necessary for me to take things into my own hands?  When did I start following my own way and being angry at God for not fixing it, for not making it all right and easy? Now, looking back, I suddenly see how patiently and kindly and slowly God has dealt/ is dealing with me. And I am thankful that He has not let me go.  I am thankful that He does not give up on us, even when we totally fail- as I have done.
I do not feel stronger- I do not feel more "able".  Even as I say these things there is still pain, still hurt, still fear- but I can suddenly see the mercy and faithfulness of God again. And I want to have enough faith to trust Him enough to obey Him, leaving the consequences/results up to Him.   

Things are calm and quiet here today.  Reading and music and school and cleaning is going on.  Everything is peaceful.  Aside from my hair, which somewhat resembles an African lion.  ;) haha...

It is strange to me how fears can creep in, almost without you even noticing, and suddenly I'm restless and fearful and uncertain.  Suddenly all the rest and peace just feel like they're slipping away and I'm afraid.  I am afraid of regret- afraid of trying to do what's right and ending up being wrong.  I am afraid of heartache and loss and a hundred other things. I find myself asking, "If I lose the things that matter the most to me... will You really keep me?  Will I really be okay?  There is always the decision to either believe/trust God- or I can choose not to.  I suppose it is a constant battle- and I find myself turning to God a lot and asking Him to help me to trust Him.  I think so much fear comes from not really knowing who God is, not really believing He is good or that He has our best in mind.  But it is a choice- and I want to choose to walk in faith, trusting Him to take care of me and the ones I care about.  Trusting Him with the future, and all it's uncertainties. Trusting Him with the past, with any regrets or failures.   

"..casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for you..."

 "....choose this day whom you will serve,

     but as for me, and my house, we will serve the Lord."

I am reminded this morning that it is not only the choice of a lifetime commitment to serve the Lord, but also a daily choice/decision.  Sometimes, looking at things in the long term- makes everything a little blurry.  But choosing today- which is really about all I can handle- who I will follow, makes everything seem a lot more manageable,and it helps me keep focused. 

Some days.... this place just really drives me crazy.!
I think one of the absolutely most annoying things about living here is the fact that I cannot walk out of this apartment without having someone with me. I can't just decide to do something and do it. I can't ever think, "Oh, a walk to the beach sounds nice." and walk out the door- it's always an ordeal.  It's always a matter of waiting for several people- and it frustrates me so much!
In the states it's pretty much a daily thing for me to put in a pair of headphones and go running or walking.  For me, it's always been my daily taste of freedom...haha... as lame as that sounds.  It's just the time when I'm alone and I don't have to wait for anybody, or stop, or go home when they want to.  I can't believe how much I miss that.  Sometimes this apartment really does feel like a cave- and there's just no where to escape to.  Drives me crazy.  I really miss being independent.  I don't necessarily like being alone, but I also don't like never being able to make a decision.  I don't have my own money- so I never make any decisions about what I want to buy...  I can't go anywhere alone... things like that.  I dunno- it just annoys me!  I loved living in Redmond and being able to decide I needed to do something or wanted to go somewhere and I could just.. go.  There was no coordinating or asking for money or getting permission...  I miss freedom... I knew that this was going to be hard on me.  And part of it's being here where women are just expected to act in certain ways-  I feel very rebellious at times. :-/  And part of it's just coming back and being a part of a family. And part of it's being crowded, where nothing is your own.  I don't have my own room, my own space.. sometimes I find myself fighting for things as pathetic as my own backpack!  It's just super challenging/frustrating for me....
It's been especially annoying today for some reason.  I fell asleep this afternoon and dreamed I found this huge stack of cash in my and in my dream I was thinking, "Oh! maybe it's time for me to decide when I'm going to go home..."  And there was a certain amount of panic like, "this is the only money I'll ever have as my own!  I have to save this!" haha....
That said- and I'm sure it sounds beyond pathetic. :-/, I am trying to keep in mind that this is only for a time- only a season.  I guess I am a little discouraged because I thought we were nearing the 5 month mark of being here, and then I realized it's only been 4 months. That sounds like so little...it sounds like nothing! Sometimes I feel very much like it's time to move on, but then I realize that the opportunity is not here now.  And I don't want to miss the good things about today in a mad rush to get to the next thing.  This is apparently where God has me at today- and I want to learn to be content, despite the challenges/frustrations.  I'm trying to remain calm and stable- taking deep breaths- and avoiding going crazy. ;)

Hannah and I taught school this morning... I really don't like it.  It's not at all how I imagined teaching would be.  You basically just scream- literally scream- repetitions of number or words over and over and over... It is SO boring.!  And I don't have a very loud voice so I'm trying to get as loud as I can and I start losing my voice...haha..  It's so awkward and uncomfortable.  I have no idea what they are expecting. To top it off I noticed that one of the teachers had spelled 40 on the board like 'FORTY'... So, I decided I needed to correct it to 'FOURTY'..  yeah. 3 teaches were all discussing it and seemed pretty concerned.  I couldn't figure it out. Until I came upstairs and my parents told me it is spelled 'FORTY'. *face palm*  Maybe they'll fire me.  That'd be good. ;)
Oddly enough, where I was reading in my Bible this morning had the word 'forty' in it like 8 times- maybe it's sign I should read my Bible before school... ;)
We skyped with my brothers this morning- I miss those guys so much. :-/ Now we're preparing for Chandra to leave- getting her all packed and buying stuff.  We bought my nieces these adorable little Bangali outfits.
We took Chandra out for tea this afternoon and then we went out for ice cream at the beach tonight.  I have been wanting to go swimming at night, so some of us decided we'd go... aaaaand... it was freezing! haha... pretty lame...  It is rare to ever feel cold here though!

We did a king of 'spur-of-the-moment' thing today.  Joel told Chandra that she had to go on a boat ride while she was here.  Well, she's leaving Wednesday, Austin thought we should go today.  So we skipped class- bonus! ;)
Suranjit knew of an island where nobody lives- which I didn't even know existed here! ;) So we rented a speed boat- even getting to the speed boat was quite an experience.  We, along with a bunch of other people, walked across this wooden board walk thing.  It was over this nasty, dirty creek that had pieces of trash floating in it.  Not gonna lie- I was a little nervous!  It was pretty flimsy!  Then 2 boat driver got into an argument about who would take us, and it was boiling hot...haha... such is Bangladesh!  Nothing goes very fast.
There are boats there that look like they were from ancient times- they are so cool.
We drove out along the river and into the ocean.  It was so peaceful. Wind and water and sunshine.
There was nobody but us.  The island had nobody but us on it.  It was SO refreshing.  We swam, and had a Bangali picnic- they package rice and dhal and biryani with fresh vegetables in little plastic bags...it's pretty amusing.  ;)  I decided I would try running a little bit, since there was nobody there to stare or comment.  And I didn't even have to wear an orna!  It was sooo nice.  I really, really miss running. We just had a nice time, chasing crabs and finding sea shells, sitting in the sand and watching fishermen....
We just got home and I'm tired and sandy and muddy and wet and sunburned...
I feel so incredibly peaceful as I sit her drinking some coffee... aaahh shanti. :)

Things have been very quiet here lately. Peaceful actually! I'm sitting in a cafe right now drinking tea. . It's so relaxing. Life is continuously routine here- cooking cleaning studying reading movies- trips to the market. But it's been okay lately. And that pretty much explains my lack of posting. There's nothing new to write about! :-/  I can't believe Chandra's month here had already come to an end- it's gone by so fast. Her coming makes me realize my world really isn't that far away. That's a good feeling. Because of the political unrest/violence here lately, none of us girls get to go to Dhaka with Chandra and Austin. It's a bummer. But at least we get a few days off of school! ;) and that pretty much sums up life lately. Lame. I know. 

These have been good days- it's really strange to me- considering the total collapse I had last week. My circumstances have not changed at all but everything feels new and refreshed, and I don't feel worried or lost or afraid anymore.  I don't know what changed, or how it changed- but I suddenly feel so 'un-burdened' now.  And I feel new strength to keep going, keep moving forward, keep seeking God.  I am really, really thankful for that. And perhaps there will be more break-downs in the future, I don't know- but for now, I am at peace.
Emily wrote me this note the other day:

 "Caley, I want to tell you that you are awesome.

You make my days happier, funner, brighter and crazier.

You inspire me to work harder, be happier, think of others and to laugh more. 

Everyone is happy when they are with you.

You encourage me when I am depressed.

You understand me in ways others cannot.

I love you! Never change... or you will break my heart.

Keep being awesome,

Emily"

When I came I wanted to be here for my family- to support them in all of this.   I have felt like a total failure at that since I've been here.  How can I be a support them when I am falling apart? Emily's note really encouraged me though- perhaps not all is lost. ;)

Today Isaac came in my room and laid by my feet while I was reading this morning. And I realized how thankful I am to be here with him, to be a part of his everyday life- seeing him and Jackson here has been amazing. I don't want to miss the beauty and purpose of today in my rush to get to the future.  I too quickly forget that this is only a season, that will pass all too soon...  We have been here for almost 5 months and it has flown by!  I don't want to miss it.

When I first felt like God was telling me to come here, for whatever reason, I felt like He told me this would be the last opportunity I had to be in this position with my family and that I should not waste it.  I'm afraid I have forgotten that too often!  I don't want to waste these days.

So this week I have taken silly pictures with Emily, had pinching wars with Isaac and laughed so hard with my sister that I thought I was going to drown in the ocean.  I have danced on the street.  I have sang songs and made up songs and I have been even weirder than I normally am.  ;)  I have looked like an idiot teaching little Bangali kids English with Hannah.  And so it goes- it has been a busy week, but it has been a good one.

Now I think I am losing my voice though- that's kind of a bummer.  :-/

I recently read through a book called The Insanity of God.  It talks a lot about the persecuted church and why God allows difficulty and hardship in our lives. I'm sure it was timely for me- not that I know anything relatively close to the suffering those people have endured- but it was a really encouraging book for me.  It's mostly just stories of people whose faith survived under the most difficult of circumstances.  I highly recommend it.  Anyways- one of the things he wrote about was how many Christians he talked to always talked about how music was one of the biggest things that got them through difficult times.  These last few days many songs have been playing over and over in my head.  Oddly enough one song is from a children's movie about Joseph- it says-

"I thought I did what's right. I thought I had the answers.  I thought I chose the surest road, but that road brought me here.  So I put up a fight, and told you how to help me.  Now just as I have given up, the truth is coming clear."

"You know better than I.  You know the way.  I've let go the need to know why, for You know better than I."

"If this has been a test, I cannot see the reason- but maybe knowing I don't know is part of getting through.  I try to do what's best, and faith has made it easy to see the best thing I can do is put my trust in You."

"You know better than I.  You know the way.  I've let go the need to know why, for You know better than I."

I cannot deny that even as I try to take steps forward- I am very afraid and uncertain. I have been so afraid that I felt like I couldn't breath!  But I have been reminded that it is often hardships, trials and difficulties that God uses to bring Him to Himself.   

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee" ~Psalms 56:3

I guess I can't honestly say that things have been going well here- they have been pretty rough.  I am not sure I have ever felt quite so broken or  quite so hopeless.  After a conversation with my mom I basically well, just ran away from home.  I just suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe, like I couldn't take it anymore. I felt trapped and I just wanted to run away as fast and as hard as I could until I couldn't go anymore.  Sadly, there's no where to go and I just found myself walking down the beach. So angry and frustrated and saying. "God!  Why have you made it so hard when you could have made it so easy?! Why have you made it so easy for some people and so difficult for others? What have I not lost? I know you said your way is perfect, but surely this cannot be your way.  It hurts too much! And you keep asking for more!  Can't you just leave this alone?  Just let me have this?"
I have been so frustrated.  So confused. I suddenly felt like I was looking at my life and all I could see was failure. Everything I have tried to do, everything I endeavored to be - I have failed at.  Everything that was supposed to work- hasn't.  Nothing has turned out "right".  Nothing has gone the way it was "supposed to."  Every lofty ambition I have had was suddenly reduced to  nothing more than a  pathetic girl sitting alone on a beach totally empty and broken and bitter towards life.  A girl already weary and tired of life.
I started thinking about my life- the different choices I have made.  They were not easy choices- they often came with a lot of sacrifice.  But I made them because I believed that they were the right choices to make.  It seems pathetic to say, because I personally know people who have given up so much more than I have- but suddenly all the difficulty of the last 6 or 7 years seemed to be on my shoulders right then, and they seemed so hard, and worse than that- they seemed pointless.
I had to ask myself if any of the sacrifice was worth it.  I had nothing to write on with me so I wrote in the sand everything I felt that I was, everything I am afraid of .. alone, pointless, empty, failure,without purpose....
I guess it's really impossible to write everything I was feeling at the time.  I stayed there for 3 hours..  and there didn't seem to be any answers.  There didn't seem to be any hope.  It is scary to find yourself questioning everything and asking, "Was it worth it or has all this loss just been pointless?"  It's also scary to find yourself pointing at others and asking, "Why do they get everything so easily?  While I keep having to give up things?!"  
I came home and went to bed- feeling so heavy-hearted.  And I just spent the rest of the day feeling tormented and troubled. The next morning I still felt miserable- wondering what I could do to change all of this.  One night I just broke down and told my mom, "I am tired of life!  I am disappointed in everything!  Nothing has turned out right!  And I have failed at everything!"   
I went out on our veranda and just sobbed- everything felt so hopeless, and I felt so helplessly lost.  
My dad came out to talk to me, and gave me some big things to think about.  He encouraged me to not be so quick to live by what I feel- but by what I know.  He also encouraged me to be careful not to rely on other people or on other things to make me 'okay'- but to rely on Christ alone, because- obviously, people fail where Jesus does not.  And He also reminded me that a commitment to Jesus is not one where you let go of the rope a little at a time- you have to let go all at once. And then I cried on his shoulder as he prayed for me.. ;)  I am sure he said it all so much more clearly than that- but that's what stood out to me.
I cannot say that everything is all wonderful and bright now- but I am finding at least some hope now.  My mind has been very busy these last few days- and I don't really feel that I am expressing myself as clearly as I would like to.  What I have mostly been considering is the part about letting go of the rope- all at once. I have been afraid to do that- I have not had the faith to believe that Jesus is enough.  And I fear this God who is so jealous of His people that He will and must be first in their hearts.  I am afraid of things I might lose, people I might lose, afraid of a hard like of sacrifice- terrified really.  I am afraid to surrender to a God who may ask me for things that make me feel like I am dying inside to give up.  I am counting the cost- I am asking again, "It is worth it?"  I feel like I am asking that question again with more knowledge of what pain saying 'yes' may come with.
Am I willing to let go of the rope and trust God? 

I find when I am constantly focusing on the future I am either filling today with discontentment or with fear.  I need to learn to walk with Jesus.  Just focusing on today.


Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best—
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest. 

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He Whose Name is Counselor and Power;
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
Ever to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

As pathetic as this may sound- I really, really miss easy Internet access.
The fact that you have to *pay* for slow Internet? SO annoying. I really want to get a phone here with Internet. They're actually pretty inexpensive- and the I tee era like $12 a month. Maybe one of these days that'll work out. That would be so nice!
If you talk to any foreign western person here they'll tell you- you gotta find an
outlet. Some place to get away from it all. Most days even going back into our apartment
feels like a cage! I'm really thankful we live in a town here that has nice hotels
and even a coffee shop! Coxs is pretty limited in a lot of aspects, but at least
we don't have the ridiculous amounts of people that Chittagong and Dhaka have.
These "escapes" keep me sane. I wish I could come here everyday by myself.
That would be amazing!
Speaking of escapes- we are talking about some of us going to Dhaka and Chittagong with Austin and Chandra. That would be SO fun. Just going around seeing some lane tourist-y kinda things and doing some shopping we can't do here. But- just getting away for awhile! Something to break up the monotony!
I'm afraid Chandra's probably not having a very good time. It just boring and bland here.
We have started language class again and the kiddos are doing their school, so we stay pretty busy actually.
There's little  taste of the everyday here! ;)

It's pretty frustrating that as my life goes on I keep finding myself coming back around to the same questions.
Lately things here have been rough.  Apparently that's just the way it is- and I can see the way it's wearing out my whole family.  We're all tired and on-edge.  It's kind of pathetic and embarrassing. Little things that shouldn't be that big of a deal and suddenly, after some stupid argument, I find myself saying to my mom, "I am going to go crazy!!"
So I started asking myself- Why am I here?  What am I supposed to be doing?  When I came it all seemed so clear and simple- I was coming to help/support my family.  Fail.  I'm just another mess on top of everyone else's!  I am a crumbling support wall at best.  It's hard to face the difficult days and at the end be wondering what the point of it all was and to wonder what the point of tomorrow will be.
I am frustrated because I expected to have some clear, definite purpose in my life way before now. Some 'calling' as everyone says- but I just don't.  It's pretty surprising to be on a foreign mission field and be asking, "Okay, what am I supposed to be doing again?"
I always feel so guilty.  Like everything about me is wrong.  I feel guilty because I know what I want- and doesn't seem all that "spiritual". I think part of me still believes that if isn't spiritual- it's wrong.
I am literally failing over here.  I envy those people who have such clear and definite callings that drive them everyday.  And in a way- I don't, because that would also be a very heavy burden.  I envy those who have such eternal perspective- who see a lost and dying world.  I have tried for years to see it like they do- and I just don't.  I am always wondering what is wrong with me.  What did I miss?  Or did I miss anything?  These thoughts trouble me- because I don't know.
I know what I want. But how do I know what God wants?  What am I supposed to be?  What does it really mean to be a disciple of Jesus?  Am I willing to truly forsake all?  And what does that look like in my life?
In one way I long to know the answers to these questions- but I am also very scared to know!
I sometimes think that I have formed an idea of God based on other people's experiences.
The thought sometimes occurs to me that maybe I don't really know God as I should.  Perhaps the questions about life and purpose and all the other things that trouble me aren't really the important things.
 I am always asking God for answers, but now I am asking Him to show me who He is.  I am confident that if I know who He is-  I will not be afraid of any answer He might give me.

"Lord, make me to know mine end,

and the measure of my days,

what it is;

that I may know how frail I am.

Behold, Thou has made my days as a hand breadth:

and mine age is nothing before Thee:

verily every man at his best state is altogether vanity."

"So teach us to number our days- that we may apply wisdom.."

                                                 

                                                   ~psalms  39:4-5/90:12

I have been a lucky girl lately.  All the coffee and chocolate and candy and cheese....  I think we all may be a little panicked about when it runs out already.  We're definitely rationing it. ;) Having these incredible, little things from home is so nice.  It's really refreshing.
Things have been rather quiet lately- pretty boring actually.  And I have been busy doing a lot of thinking.
There are days when living here seems truly pointless, and I'm really trying to understand the purpose in me being here.  I find myself switching in to "survival mode"- rather than really thriving here.  Most of the time I struggle with even being content to live here.  I don't want to live counting down the days until I can leave.  I want to live with purpose here- and so I'm asking God what that purpose is.
It seems like, at this point, reality is really settling in for all of us.  And we're all trying to work out being happy living here.  And, believe me- for many different reasons, that's a huge challenge!  Maybe being happy is not the important thing- but being content with where God has brought us and finding joy in Him, rather than our circumstances.  I find it more challenging to do that now than any other time in my life. It is a daily battle and there is no rest.
I suppose I could go into all the details of what makes it challenging- but I guess my endless complaining is pretty pointless and tiresome. :-/
We are now doing Bangla classes again, and it's nice to have something to fill our time during the day.  I was worried it would be difficult picking it back up after not having studied for a month, but it seems to be coming back fairly quickly.
The thing I am most thankful here are the hotels where you can go buy some coffee or a hamburger (!).  And, for the rooftop of the Sea Gull Hotel where you are actually truly alone.  It's the only place in this country that I've ever been where I was alone!  Those places, and all the things from home people sent,  keep me from going crazy...!

Wow. We have been SO busy lately.
I am eating a caramel-apple sucker as I type and-let me say- they were good before.  But now? Oh my gosh.  They're amazing. haha :)
Our trip to India was successful I guess you could say.  However- I guess you can't be a Burwell and travel anywhere without some  ridiculous thing happening.  So our van got a flat tire, we traveled 230 miles in a record time of 12 hours, and driving in Bangladesh is like facing near death every few minutes. We drove on the worst road I've ever been on.  I would've walked if I could.  We traveled through the night with very little sleep so when we finally got to the border we were all really, really crabby. Then we went through all through customs and immigration and paper work.  One guy even asked for a bribe...haha...  India was surprisingly very different from Bangladesh.  I was expecting it to be the same so close to the border.  So, it was cool.  It has been one of my life-long dream of going to India and I've realized... I should probably start dreaming bigger...haha..  Although I gotta say- our hotel was air conditioned and I had the first really good night of sleep I've had since I've been here.  And, I was SO hungy.  And, when I'm hungry-  I am like the most angry person ever.  After not eating for like 18 hours, I was starving.  And when we finally got to eat I ate probably more food then I've eaten since I've been here.  It was SO good.  On the way back to Bangladesh we realized that we had made the big mistake of not going to one office we were supposed to go to when we went in to India.  So they weren't very happy... :-/  Then we found out that Dad's India visa was expired and spent a few hours at that office working that out...  And then the long painful process of filling out all the paperwork and stuff getting back into Bangladesh.  Then we drove home all day.  And got home at like 10 or 11 at night.  It was a long painful trip.  It was strange getting back into Bangladesh and being like, "We're home!  Everything's more normal again!" haha...
Then Austin and Chandra got here yesterday.  We're all pretty excited to have new people around.. :)  And we had SO much fun opening the bags and seeing everything that was sent.  I literally laughed and cried and clapped my hands... and.. yeah.  It was AMAZING.  And the birthday gifts??  SO sweet.  We are all really excited.  It's funny the things that we are excited about... like dish towels and almond extract...haha...  And then of course the notes, and cards (:P)...  It was really like Christmas.  Someone sent Emily $20.  It was SO weird seeing American money!  I just stared and stared at it..haha... Oddly enough it made me really miss home and everything being familiar and normal and comfortable....
Then we've had all the weird everyday stuff.  I had tea 3 different times today we people... we were invited to a wedding... we went to church... all that good stuff. ;)
That seems like a very short rendition of the everything... but there ya have it. ;)

There are 2 constant battles here- the heat and the mosquitoes.  I'm telling you- these guys are evil.  You don't feel them when they're biting you, but then it  is like the most painful/itchy bug bite I've ever had!  And they can bite right through your clothes.  They are bad enough that last night one bit my toe and it was itching bad enough that it woke me up.  They come in and then they hide in your clothes and under your bed and stuff so you never see them coming. We don't have mosquito nets hung yet- gosh. everything is such a pain here!  So tonight I decided to just try laying some mosquito netting over my bed like a sheet...haha- we'll see how it goes.  If you're not kept awake by the heat- it's the mosquitoes... or people turning lights on and then leaving them on... :-/
We've been busy lately.  We've actually met up with about 6 or 7 Americans lately.  That's been really nice.  One good friend lives in Dhaka but she was able to come spend the night with us.  And she brought some great coffee with her. :)  Great time chatting with another girl.  We have no girlfriends here... :(  But- I've met a few potentials!
We met one girl tonight who is here volunteering for the UN.  She reminded me so much of my dear friend Leah.. made me miss her!  Plus- even weirder- she's from Seattle.  So I told her I'd spent some time in that area and had some really close friends near Seattle.  I mentioned Snohomish and she told me her mom actually works for the Snohomish school!  So crazy.  It really is a small world!
She got to hike up to the base camp of Mt.  Everest.  I want to go so bad.  She was telling us how muchlike the Northwest it is.  Aaaand... it's really not all that expensive to get to Nepal!  60 dollars... but- I would need a visa/backpacking equipment/hiking partner.  Ah well- it's in my head now to go someday now.
And we are making our first visa run to India. It's kind of funny- I've wanted to go to India as far back as I can remember.  And now I am- for one night!  But..you know... whatever... ;) It's like a 12 hour bus ride- and we're just basically crossing the border, staying one night and coming home.  It's gonna be pretty boring.  Trips here are so ridiculously slow! But it might be nice to just kick back, listen to music- do some reading...  get out of Cox's Bazaar!
We were gonna go a little later but apparently there's a really big political thing going on.  They are expecting it to be really dangerous- worse than the hartals.  And that starts on the 24th.  So we want to get back before then for sure. So we are leaving tomorrow night.
Aaaand lately- I really miss wearing American clothes. haha ;)

These day are strange- and busy- and confusing ones.
I find in myself a constant clashing.  A constant battle of trying to sort things out. Trying to put pieces of a vague future together so I can clearly see.  Trying to balance what desires are of God- and what are not. Trying to take all the hopes for the future and line them up and fit them together...
This is what I know-  I want God.  Life is rather pointless without Him.
And I know that I do not want to live a life that is all about myself.
And maybe that just comes down to living today seeking Him.  And living today about serving Him/others...

We finally got to go out for our birthday dinner tonight.  It was actually really nice.  I think we all felt like we were standing out even more all decked out in our saris- but we just tried to ignore that. ;)  And, surprisingly- the food was not rice, chicken curry and dhal! haha..  It was really good food, and we all had a nice time.
I am feeling much more... optimistic.. these last few days.  And really, really grateful and thankful for the much needed reminder that I am neither alone nor forgotten.  I am trying to remember that these days are just a season- there are the constant ups-and-downs, the constant struggles- but I want to appreciate/enjoy the time I do have here.... One of the most challenging thing is keeping things in the right focus... :-/

So..Suranjit invited us to come see a Hindu festival tonight- I don't really know what I was expecting, but, wow- let me just say.  It was shocking.  I guess I had bright colors and music- maybe dancing. Not so much!  We walked down to the festival.  It was neat- lots of people and vendors.  It was night time and they had lights strung up everywhere.  There were so many people- it was hard to get through the crowd.  Everyone was wearing really bright and beautiful clothes.  So Suranjit leads us through the crowd to this- I don't know how to describe it- like a structure they had made that looked like a cave.  On the inside they had hung birds and bats and snakes on the walls to make it look even more cave-like.  We could hear loud, pounding drums- people cramming their way through.  We walked through a dark tunnel into an opening.  Immediately it was extremely hot and there were so  many people crammed in there.  The lights were flashing and I was worried I was going to trip or run into someone.  Then sometimes the lights would stop and it would get extremely dark.  The music was so loud. The air was filled with smoke from the incense they were burning. Up front they had 4-5 idols some looked like slaughtered animals, some like men- all deformed and weird.  Krishna was there with the 6 arms.  Up front people were bowing and crying and pounding these drums.  I have read about things like that- but it is nothing to read about compared to actually seeing it.  The music was so eerie- wailing and evil sounding laughing.  Poor Isaac was so sacred.  It honestly scared me!  I have never seen anything that was so blatantly demonic. So dark.  It was so uncomfortable being there- but it was such a good reality check.  Watching those people worshiping a creepy statue that they made themselves- looking to it for some sort of salvation.  A false hope.  Watching them worship in a dark cave- I couldn't help but see the parallel of the darkness they are really in. The Hindus are so superstitious.   Oh my gosh. I don't think you can know until you've seen it.  It was so evil.  We went to another one similar to it.  One guy leaned over and screamed in my ear, "HAIL KRISHNA!"  It was just.. SO bizarre!  And really, really sad.  Seeing that, it's hard to believe anybody could really believe it.
It was amazing to see the stark contrast between the grace and truth and light of Jesus and the darkness of Hinduism...  One guy spoke English well enough that dad was able to share the gospel with him- I was really glad for that.
 And that has been the adventure for the day! :-/

It's actually, well, pretty embarrassing to admit but, my birthday still means a lot to me.  I tell myself- you're 23 now- get over it!  But, in reality- I'm actually thinking, "..but it's my birthday!" haha... It is so pathetic and I know it.
It's funny thinking back to a year ago.  It doesn't seem that long ago and I can still remember everything I was feeling a year ago today.  It was- uh- a pretty rough day for me actually. ;)
It's pretty interesting to see how a year has gone- where it has taken you.  So much can happen/change....
Today we were invited to go on a field trip with a school on the first floor of our apartment building.  It was pretty interesting. We basically ate a lot of snacks, got on a bus, drove a few miles out of town to a different beach, walked to the beach, walked back, ate more snacks, loaded up again and drove back.  haha... interesting field trip.  It was fun hanging out with the kiddos though.
Mom and Dad and I went and had coffee tonight and Emily baked a cake. Isaac made me a super sweet card that had a picture of a cat walking through flowers.  It is adorable.  He also gave me his stuffed dog. :)
We had sari blouses made, which we got back today.  Mine is way too big.  That's a bummer. :-/  But we're gonna get all dressed up in our saris and go out for dinner on the 12th.  That should be fun. :)
I found the perfect pair of earrings today to go with my sari.  They were $17- ridiculous.  It's like inevitable that I'm gonna like the most expensive stuff...  I liked the $100 sari... the $17 earrings... haha... I'm just glad we're not buying new shoes! ;)
And now the powers out so I'm sitting in the dark, extremely hot, with bugs hitting me in the face as I write this.... Welcome to Bangladesh! ;)

Oldie- but a goodie :)

Feeling sick again today. :-/ It's not very fun. I am so tired!  Mom and Emily went to the local coffee shop today- I decided it was too much work to get dressed and walk down the stairs.. 

I've got to get over this- whatever it is- depression, discouragement- whatever you wanna call it.  I know I'm not here to lay around and cry and feel sorry for myself!  I keep telling myself to get up, to keep going- but I feel really tired.  I don't feel like I have anything to give.  Physically- I feel too tired to walk down the stairs.  Emotionally- I feel too tired to go visit the neighbor.  I'm trying to get over it.

I feel like I'm begging for people to notice- I guess I'm trying to see who even cares/notices if I'm hurting.  I don't ever suggest doing that- because you may be in for a big surprise.  It's stupid and immature and selfish of me I admit. :-/  I am discouraged by my own neediness and weakness....

I was basically told today to get over it- that everyone's going through a hard time.  I know that's true.  I know that if I would stop looking at myself and focusing on my wants and needs I could see the needs of the people right in front of me.

Sometimes there's nothing more comforting that knowing His strength is perfected in my weakness...

I am realizing that I use blogging as a total way to vent- so I do apologize for that. ;)

Today- and yesterday- have just beyond sucked.  I admit though, that today- I basically did nothing but sit around and cry.. 

There have been rough days, really rough days- but today I just feel like I cannot handle this.  It's just too much for me and even as I realize/say it- I know I am beyond pathetic, which only frustrates me more... 

Today, if there had been any way to go home- I would have been so tempted.

Sometimes I really question the purpose of me being here.

And basically I just feel so incredibly tired of being alone.  

Feeling... so empty.

... I can't ever sleep these days.  It's so frustrating.  It may have something to do with the annoying mosquitoes, not feeling well and all the worries/troubles that seem to pop into my head at night.  And so I just lay there thinking...and thinking... and thinking...
My pathetic-ness/neediness all torments me at night...
Sometimes there's just nothing like being busy all day to keep you distracted...

This morning Hannah and I were standing in our room talking, when all of the sudden we heard the most pathetic sound.  It sounded something like a woman whimpering.  We stopped and ran outside onto the veranda to see what was going on.  Oh.  It was so sad-  We saw a man, maybe in his late twenties?  surrounded by a group of maybe 20 people.  He seemed somewhat dazed- it was really confusing.  They had a rake which they were beating him in the back with.  He would stand up and another man would come behind him and start punching him. Then they would hit him with the rake again... Children would run up and kick him.  Men would kick him.  It was really awful to see. One of the worst things I've ever seen. It literally made me cry.  It was disturbing to see the apparent delight everyone was having in it-  even small children.
I was so thankful to see Dad had gone down.  They told him that he was being beaten because he had stolen a rake (which they were beating him with).  So, dad told them they had beaten him enough.  Even as Dad helped him up and they were walking away a man kicked him in the back and another child kicked him.  The man was absolutely filthy- extremely thin.  He had an open gash on his hand that was very swollen and infected- something that happened before today.  His lip was gashed open and bleeding.  He had patches of skin on his face which almost looked like they were rotting off.  Dad was able to help clean him up a little bit and we were able to give him some food and water.  Anytime we're outside people gather- but especially when there's something unusual to see- like Americans helping a dirty heroine addict who had just been beaten for stealing.  It was very, very sad. It was a really bizarre way to start the day. ;)  But, one Bengali man- a teacher at the school downstairs- who we have been talking to a little bit lately, seem to have a lot of compassion.  He's very supportive of us helpitng the little boy who is so abused in the street.  When someone told him that this man was a thief he said, "Yes... but aren't we all thieves?"  It's really nice to see such compassion.  And the entire experience was a huge reminder of the wretched and miserable place God finds us in - and yet He continues to show us such love and mercy and compassion. Even is we deserve to suffer for what we have done wrong.
We also went shopping for saris tonight.  Shopping here is- crazy.  Suranjit always comes with us and helps us get the best prices/communicate with the shopkeepers.   Shopping is pretty bad for me cause I usually tend to have an idea of exactly what I want and when I finally find it- it's waaayyy to expensive.  As in this case where it was a sari that cost $100.  Haha... it's hard having expensive taste and no money. ;)  I found one I like though for like 20-25 dollars.  So it's all good.  We are going to go out for Hannah and I's birthdays and all of us girls were able to buy a sari.  So, yeah- it's gonna be fun. :)

For some reason I randomly woke up at 5 this morning.  I haven't been sleeping very well lately.  It is so beautiful and peaceful here this early.  Here in Bangladesh everybody gets up lat (maybe 9 or 10), and goes to bed late (maybe 1-2 am).  So late into the night we hear kids playing in the street and people talking...but the early mornings are so quiet.  And even a little cool outside.  I'm thinking maybe I should get up this early more often. ;)
I cannot believe it is October already- I'm shocked how fast this time has gone by. Winter comes here in November-January and they keep telling us how cold it will be.  I cannot wait. :)
I'm really seeking the Lord lately about the future/how long I will be here/ what's next.  I don't know that He's ever just given me the full picture of everything beforehand- but I really wish I had some picture. Originally I had a year in mind for whatever reason.  But I just don't really know.  In light of the work here, and the extremely difficult language- a year seem like nothing.  In light of everything else- a year seems like a really long time.  I feel very torn between two worlds.  When I think about leaving this place- I don't want to leave.  I love this place and I always want to be a part of it.  But when I think about staying- I don't want to stay.   It's difficult and isolated and lonely.  I miss home- I miss life, and normalcy, and people back in the states. I guess it comes down to living in today- being content in today- and serving Jesus right where He has me.  Still- I wish I knew.
The hardest thing about being here is feeling so alone, isolated, forgotten and unimportant.  It's humbling to see just how little you really matter in people's lives.  It's painful to see that people can get along just fine without you.  Everyone's lives go on- it doesn't matter if you're involved or not.  This was one of the biggest reasons I did not want to come here.  I even had literal nightmares about it... and now that it's here, yeah- it pretty much sucks.  I'm kinda feeling a huge loss lately.  There have been a few friends/relationships I never thought I'd lose- or that things would never change.  And now, they've either changed or they're gone completely.  And I get it- it's super challenging to keep up with people in the busy-ness of everyday life, things change, unforeseen things happen, internet is faulty, there are time changes, distances- that's life.  I myself am terrible at keeping up with people, so a lot of the losses I blame on myself.  All that being said-  I feel very much alone.  Very forgotten.  Very insignificant in the big scheme of things.  And I guess it was my pride that expected anything else.  It is a hard lesson to learn though.
Part of the alone-ness is that, there's so much here- everything is different and new.  Everyday is filled with unusual circumstances, different people, different clothes, different food.  Everything is different.  It's so daunting trying to share what life is like here with people who cannot really grasp it because they've never experienced it.  There are literally only 7 people who understand/relate to my life here!  So sometimes even talking to people- I don't even know what to say.
I suppose I'm feeling too sorry for myself- but, just being honest- these are the things that are the most difficult here. I have to remind myself that, with the Lord- I am never truly alone. Never forgotten. Never forsaken.  And that He not only understands, but shares in every burden, every tear, every sorrow....
On a happier note- today we are going to go buy saris for Hannah and I's upcoming birthdays.  I am pretty excited about that.  Also, this morning we were asked to come share some songs with a school.  There's literally a school on the ground level of our apartment building (weird?).  I'm not so excited about that- but hey, it should be interesting. ;)

 It is strange to realize that life is simply- life.  Deep I know. ;)  

 But really- whether you are in the place/culture you are most familiar with or thousands and thousands

 of miles away, there are a lot of the same frustrations/struggles- the everyday monotony- the everyday

 laughter/tears- the everyday is ever with us.  There are days that it is particularly hot, or days where it is

 particularly frustrating that the power goes off right when you're trying to cook dinner and you just have

 to stop right in the middle of it.  The struggles are different- but life is the same in many ways.  

At the end of the day- these truths are what remain.  Trusting that God has put me here.  God is enough.

 God knows my needs- he saw every tear I would cry today.  He knew what things would be the most

 painful for me in coming here, He knew the moments where I would feel totally alone,

 completely overwhelmed or when I feel like I have suffered a great loss- yet He does sustain.  God has provided everything I need for today.  Some-days it doesn't feel like He has- but I realize that I can choose to believe what He says or not.

 And, above all-  He is always faithful.  I do kick some days, I do cry, I do hurt- but I have to believe that it is all going to be okay.  

On  the flip side, He knew the joy I would feel in seeing this place, in being a part of it.  He truly has given me the  desire of my heart in coming here.  Even though I was very reluctant to come- I am amazed that over all the years I dreamed of going to India- to this part of the world. Here I am.  I am blessed to know believers here.  To hear them pray to my God in a language I cannot even understand (yet) ;).  To feel such a love for people I cannot even communicate with. To see a hungry, naked, filthy, abused, unloved and uncared for child with major health issues see you and come running into your arms and wrap his dirty and scratched arms tightly around your neck. The things I have experienced in the short time I've been here- It's incredible.  The things we laugh at, the crazy, amazing blessedness of everyday life. 

 Then there are the simple little things in everyday-  a hot cup of coffee (instant though it may be ;P), a cold shower, the power being on, when a shop is actually selling my favorite chips, watching my little brothers build a sand castle at the beach or eating ice cream at midnight..haha

.Life is such a mixture of joy/sorrow isn't it?  Since being here I have felt some intense sorrow and

 intense joy- how can you explain how happy and sad you are at the same time?! 

I can't seem to sleep tonight so I'm up in the early morning hours eating ice cream with chocolate syrup.  Ice cream is like- my comfort food here.  I've never appreciated ice cream so much.
I think if I ever decide to write a book about my life that it will be titled, "The Random Odd Happenings in the Life of Caley." No.  I haven't given this much thought- but really.  It would fit. ;)
You know, I've realized for a long time that my life is a bit unusual- but then there are moments when you realize- Nope. This is downright weird/crazy... possibly insane.  And I guess it's not the big moments that make it weird, but the everyday, random, unusual moments that do it.
 Almost every time I leave the house and go somewhere I come back saying, "Ok guys.  Guess what happened today."
One really weird thing is it doesn't matter where I'm at- here or in the States- the most random people walk up and talk to me about the weirdest things.  Today it happened while I was sitting on the root of a tree at the beach, drinking 7-up, eating masala flavored potato chips and attempting to study Bangla.  Which is pretty weird in itself.  I was a little distracted though, because there was a huge group of people watching a woman wearing really tight red stretchy pants with a really tight red camisole dancing on the beach.  Apparently they were filming something.  And let me just say- that out fit wasn't really working for her.  Poor dear. lol...  Anyways, as I'm sitting there this guys walks up, "Excuse me.  What country are you from?"  Typical, everyday question, "Oh, I'm from America."  I answer.  "Oh!  I'm from Finland!  From Helsinki."  The strangest thing was that he kinda looked Bengali...?  So he asks what I'm doing in Bangladesh, "I live here with my family- in Cox's Bazzar.  Just near here.  My name is Caley.  No, those are my brothers you saw swimming.  I am 22 years old..."  Just the same old questions.  Then he starts this confusing thing about,
 "I live in Dhaka. "
"Oh, I thought you were from Finland."
"I am from Finland, I'm just visiting."
"You are just visiting Cox's"
"Yes.
"Oh, why are you in Cox's?"
""For a holy day" (figured out later he actually said holiday)
"Oh, like for Ramadan or Eid?"
(confused look)
"I am filming a video....Uh- what are you studying?"
"Bangla- and it is SO hard."
"Yes- I know.  I heard my mom speaking it- it sounds very difficult."
"How long have you been in Bangladesh?
"2 months."
"What are you doing here?"
"Visiting my family."
"Your family is in Cox's"
"No- my family lives in Dhaka. I am a citizen."
"So you were born in Bangladesh?"
"No. Okay, let me explain...."
Let me just add- he had an accent that made it difficult for me to understand..lol.. I am not a complete moron. It was ridiculous!  Anyways- pretty odd.  Met a guy from Finland, named Sam (is that even Finnish??), had a confusing conversation, he had me guess his age and I got it right... (?)... aaaand he still gave me his number after all that just in case I want to hang out with him.. which I will never use. lol.  Sometimes being the only English speaking person around isn't all it's cracked up to be! ;)
Another weird happening- last night we had dogs barking all night, electricity going off, a screech owl schreeching it's little head off and a cat doing likewise.  At some point during the night- I think I may have been dreaming-  Hannah and I had this weird, long, mostly asleep,  conversation about a bat getting into our room.  We were both freaking out. The bats are like the size of an eagle here- and we have bars over our windows, so yeah, I don't know what the heck. At some point I realized the electricity was on and I woke up thinking, "I've got to do something while the powers on!  I need to take advantage of this time!  It's not gonna stay on forever!"  Then the imams go off singing at 5am this morning.  And then the workers start pounding sheet metal with hammers after that...lol
The entire family woke up plotting murderous revenge on all the animals.  Ideas involving sling shots, bow and arrows and pistols were all discussed...and rejected. haha  Mom walked around town today waking up all the dogs so they would sleep tonight, and, you know what-  we actually haven't heard them.  But, I'm sitting here listening to the screech owl..haha..
And there you have it.  These are some of today's odd happenings. ;)

Well- the electricity has been off and on- mostly off- yesterday and today. Oh. It is SO hot! It went off last night, and it gets so hot without a fan going that it wakes us up in the middle of the night.  We don't have AC-just ceiling fans, so it's never really cool, just bearable. ;)  Imagine 95 degree weather without a breeze- and there's no where else to go that's cool. Some days- especially when it's off a lot- it gets pretty annoying.  We met a family who just moved to Cox's Bazaar.  They felt like God told them to come here and so they just sold all of their stuff and moved here. We were told that they have nothing- no beds- no fans- nothing. They have a small boy.  I just can't imagine trying to live here without a fan!  I heard someone bought them one, I was really glad to hear that. And, if I start thinking it's unbearably hot in here, I just have to remember the hospital.  That was the hottest place I have ever been.
Yesterday we went and visited Suranjit's sister, Moonie.  On the way over there we walk past the hospital.  We saw the saddest thing!  A young woman with, what appeared to be, her husband were driving by in a rickshaw.  They both looked sickly, so thin and frail.  At first we thought she was sick and then we realized that she was holding her husband in the rickshaw so he wouldn't fall out.  His eyes were rolling back in his head and he was kind of falling over.  He literally looked like he was going to die.  It was one of the saddest things I have ever seen.
Speaking of which-  Dad has been really, really sick for a few days now.  I haven't seem him this sick in a long time.  We thought he was feeling a little better yesterday, but he says it's worse today. Sounds like whatever he has Suranjit has also.  It's gotta be really bad being sick in this heat. :-/

Psalm 42

As the hart panteth after the waterbrooks, 

so panteth my soul after Thee, O God.

My soul thirsteth for God for the living God:

When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my meat day and night, 

while they say continually unto me, 

'Where is thy God?'

When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me:

For I had gone with the multitude,

I went with them to the house of my God,

with the voice of joy and praise,

with a multitude that kept the holy day.

Why art thou cast down oh my soul?

and why are thou disquited within me?

Hope thou in God- for I shall yet praise Him,

for the help of His countenance.

O my God, my soul is cast down withing me,

therefore will I remember Thee from the land of Jordan,

and of the Hermonites, from the hill of Mizar.

Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of Thy waterspouts:

all Thy waves and billows are gone over me.

Yes the Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,

and in the night His song shall be with me,

and my prayer unto the God of my life.

I will say unto God, my Rock,

Why hast Thous forgotten me?

Why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

As with a sword in my bones, mine enemies reproach me;

while they say daily unto me, 'Where is thy God?'

Why art thou cast down, O my soul?

and why art thou disquited withing me?

Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise Him,

who is the health of my countenance,

and my God."

Welll...what can I say?

On the bright side- the group of young people we met from YWAM came over today because they are leaving Cox's Bazar on Friday and they wanted to say goodbye.  As we talked with them and prayed with them, I was once again really blessed and humbled by them, by their love for Jesus, and by the fact that we all literally feel like family even though we've only known them for a couple weeks.  We speak different languages, and come from different backgrounds and know very little about each other.  It's just amazing the unity and fellowship we all feel with each other.  I needed that today- it was so refreshing to me.

And- it was a lot cooler outside.  And when the electricity went off, we weren't dying. ;)

I feel so up-and-down these days.  I find that I am not so much seeking Jesus because I should but because I need to.  I feel so discouraged, in so many areas...  It's hard, and yet- I know it's good because my need for Jesus is becoming more and more obvious.

I feel like I am failing.  I go to bed at night and I think, "Well, I may as well just stamp this day with 'failed'!"

So, I am seeking Jesus.  Because I just don't have it in me to do this.  Because I cannot find peace or contentment without Him.  Because life is too scary to face alone.  Because I am overwhelmed in almost every area of my life.  Because He is the only one who is constantly reassuring me that I have nothing to worry about- nothing to fear- that all will be right.

I am never so content as when I realize everything, all of this inward turmoil that I cannot even put into words, all the unrest, all the fear, all the aching, all the everyday outward trying circumstances- it's all in His hands.  And He has it all under control.

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed upon thee, because he trusteth in Thee."

Yesterday.. was just one of those days.  You know, I think I kind of forgot how revealing being with your family is.  It's like you get to see every bad thing about you all the time. 
Yesterday nothing went right.  I was making eggs for breakfast and the lid came off of the salt which left the eggs buried underneath about a cup of salt.  We were expecting company around 6:00, so I knew I needed to go get groceries (no small job!) before they came and get things ready.  So mom and the boys and I went out- couldn't find the place and all that... It was very stressful.  I came home and then I needed to go to another store, and I only had a couple of hours before they came to make dessert. So we left in the pouring rain, went and bought butter and 2 KGs of over-priced apples and came home dripping wet.  I peeled and cored all of the apples and handed the bowl of apples to emily to go wash and the bowl of peelings to trow away.  So she walks in there and accidentally throws the apples away.  I couldn't believe it.  2-3 hours of work just gone.  And people on the way, and not much time to make anything else. I basically wanted to cry.  Which is kind of laughable now, but it definitely wasn't yesterday!  So, I decided maybe I had enough time to make brownies before they came.  Aaaaand... I forgot to turn the top of the oven off so they were totally black on top.  It was so ridiculous.  And after all that.  They never even came. So we sat around in the dark and dressed nicely with our makeup and hair done, no place to go, nothing to do with burnt brownies. haha..  The stress of daily life, plus the daily commentary on you and what you do, plus the feelings of my own inadequacy, plus a bunch of other little annoyances... I pretty much just went to bed and cried.
It's pretty weird that, even being in a totally new and different place.. life is pretty much the same.  There is the daily struggle of feeling content.  In some ways feeling like this is exactly where I should be and want to be- in other ways feeling like it's not at all where I should/want to be.  There's the inner feeling of failure and inadequacy and feeling like I just don't have it in me, that I just can't cope.  There's the feeling of such frustration with life, frustration with people, frustration with myself...  I admit, I just wanted to lay in bed this morning and not get up. Sometimes I want to run away and I realize, there's no where to run.  Because, in reality, the problem is me.  Right now- I guess there's some major refining going on with me.  haha... it's not fun.  Necessary maybe, but it's really hard.  And I am trying to learn to be content with whatever place I am in.  And I do not mean Bangladesh-  I truly love this place.  It's more the place I am at in life- sometimes it just seems like I should not still be here...sometimes it seems like I'm dealing with the same thing I've been dealing with my entire life.  And it gets pretty boring and frustrating. :-/

My morning coffee is quite tasty.. instant though it may be. ;)  I could really go for a quad-shot over ice... Guess that'll have to wait.
So, interesting experience of the day-  Yesterday I went with Isaac to the beach and then we went to the vegetable market.  On the way home this man, maybe in his late 30's?  Says hello aaand...he starts following us and asking us questions..  "Where are you from?  How long will you stay?  Who are you here with?  Is this your son?  Are you married?"  All the typical questions we get over here..  Didn't really think too much of it, especially with him being significantly older than me! Then he started telling me how he want to learn to speak English better and wondered of he could have my number so he could practice English and we could talk.  No- I told him- I don't have my own phone, I just use my dad's phone when I need one.  But, I told him, you could talk to my dad and that my dad wouldn't like me talking alone with men... "Oh! he says, I am only interested in learning English!"  ...  Then he starts going off on this big long speech where he basically said that he gets really  nervous about speaking in English with people but I dunno, he didn't feel nervous talking to me or something?  So he asked if I spend a lot of time at home and I told him I did.  At this point I'm back at my apartment building.  Then he says, "Maybe the next time you go to the beach... you could call me and we could go there together?"  I told him again my Dad would not like it.  "Oh, what can I do then?"  he says. So I told him again he could talk to my dad and that I would go upstairs to my apartment and get him.  "Oh!" he says, "Is he, uuuh... normal?  oooor... uhhhh?  you know? scary?? "  haha...  Anyways I went upstairs and told dad he was waiting so dad went down.. he saw the guy but apparently the man really was not interested in talking to him...haha... oh my gosh.
Our landlady pretty much watches everything we do and tells us what we shouldn't do and stuff... I don't know how she does it.  She's like the all seeing eye!  Apparently she saw me talking with the man and was very concerned about it so she asked Suranjit about it last night...haha.
Mom asked Suranjit if guys would do that to a Bengali girl, his eyes got big, "Oh ma-re!!"  he says, "NO!"  Apparently it's only because we're foreigners... I don't know.  It's annoying...  At least I know there's a few people who've got my back. ;)
Another thing that happened was Suranjit's sister Mone was sick the other day and had to go the hospital.  She speaks very little English, but we all really care for his family so he called and asked if we would come and pray for her.  The hospital.. oh my gosh,  it was terrible.  It's the government hospital so I guess it's particularly bad, but still. First of all, the place was filthy.  Really gross and dark and dirty.  The other thing was the excessive heat.  I have never been in a place that hot.  It was so bad.  His sister was laying on the floor because it was so crowded that there were no more beds in there.. Sometimes there were a couple people on one bed. There were basins sitting around with I don't know what in them.. and the floor was filthy.  It was so bad.  When it comes to sick people- I am the worst.  I have no idea what to say or how to help so I just awkwardly stand there.  Oh. Sometimes I hate me.
Anyways, that's some of the latest random happenings around here... ;)

I am beyond tired right now.  These days are full and busy.  I go to bed at night and can't sleep because my mind is so busy.  *sigh* ...onek chinta...
There are many things happening and lots of things that happen that I think I should write about... but it's not very often I get a hold of the computer. :-/
On Friday we got to meet a group of young people from YWAM (Youth With A Missions).  There was one American girl - so nice to find someone that really understands where you're coming from! One girl was from Papua New Guinea and there were a couple Bengali guys and one Bengali girl.  We got to visit with them a little bit at church on Friday morning, and then they came and spent Saturday at our house with us.  It was so refreshing. They all speak English well- which is so nice. haha..  It was just so encouraging/inspiring hearing their stories and why they came to Bangladesh and how God has led them to join in with ministry here.  A few of them play guitar and they just started singing these beautiful songs and just praising God.  I cannot remember the last time I enjoyed a time of worship like that.  I was so impressed by these people, and really, really humbled by their obvious love for God.  I sat there looking at them and suddenly realized that everyone sitting in that room is better than I am.  Sometimes you meet people like them and they're just well...discouraging...haha... But there was such an attractive joy and peace in their lives- I was truly encouraged by them.  Our time with them really made me desire God more than I have in a very long time. It's really amazing to sit there and feel such a love and connection with people you just met, who speak different languages, come from different countries and have totally different backgrounds from you.  It was an awesome time.  Not to mention we had coffee and cinnamon rolls. ;)
I have been able to meet a few girls around here who have invited me over, I am pretty excited about that.  They both speak some English- which is very helpful.  I want to learn this language so much.  I am super tired of not understanding anybody!!  It's going very, very slowly.  And it's pretty challenging.  But, I keep understanding more and more... so it's okay I guess...
Last night we went shopping with the lady who owns the apartments we live in.  SO funny.  We bought some really beautiful salwar kameez... pretty excited to get them back from the tailor!
Life here- it's so strange, and beautiful and different..  I really wish I could share it all...

I was right.  Pictures definitely do make it harder. :-/  And, in a way- easier.  Sometimes, being here, home feels so far away and it's like, I dunno, you forget about it.  Pictures.  I like them. :)
I was thinking last night about my desire for home. For.. just a place to be.  Coming here, being in this life, it kind of makes me afraid of always being divided.  As I grow to understand this place and to love it- it kind of scares me. Because just like I couldn't imagine not being apart of life in the States, I'm starting to feel that way about here.
It's sad here. The few Christians that there are.. they aren't really there for each other.  We have been in pretty bad times when we couldn't afford food and stuff, and there were always amazing people there to help us.  But here, we know a family who sometimes can't afford food, and they have hospital bills, no money... and nobody even knows.  Nobody makes sure they're okay.  It's really sad. And missionaries- they divide themselves sometimes, like there is a difference between American believers and Bengali believers.  And it's very painful for them.  People come, and leave, and forget about them. It's so sad to hear them talk about it. I don't want to be that way.
It really puts in perspective the selfish lives we tend to live in the states...  Not that we wouldn't help someone who needed help.  But we don't care about it because we're not seeing it.. Here it's real.  And all the things that seemed so important- just aren't.
On a different note.  This is what I really want right now.  Camping.  Up in the mountains.  I want to be cold, and to be wrapped up in a blanket, sitting around the fire, drinking coffee and talking.
I don't know why- but that's what I really want.  And. That's pretty much impossible to get here! haha.. My birthday is coming up soon, and- I actually was wondering if there was someway to plan a camping trip.  Then I decided that would probably be extremely miserable.  So... yeah.  Never mind. ;)
Every time I write something on here, I don't feel like I'm saying at all what I want to say...haha... :-/

Sooo... I am super, super bored today.  And I miss home.  A lot.
There's some political thing going on so we can't even go out of the house.
Not that there's anything to do if we did go out!
I find working really helps pass the time but, it's kinda boring too.. ;)
Yep. Pretty much that's what's going on here!
It's pretty weird not being at conference this year..  It's hard to describe.  I figured it would just be a horrible time for me.  And it is really sad and, of course, I would've loved to have been there, but in a way it feels like it's so far away.  Almost like it's another life.  I dunno- it's really weird. Different than I expected.  Hannah and I both agree that it usually hits you when you start seeing pictures.  It's funny-  at one point we thought we would be leaving for Bangladesh right after conference.  And I really hoped that we would be able to go.  But now that I think about it- that would've been really hard having to say goodbye to everyone at once.  So I'm glad things worked out the way they did I guess....
So, yeah, the daily struggle continues...such if life.

Oh ma-re!  What a day.  I'm pretty sure I cannot describe the chaos of the day.
I woke up first things and went to the market because we were expecting a friend from Chittagong to visit (who never showed up actually..).  On my way home a girl insistently grabbed my groceries and wanted to earn some money carrying them home for me.  So her- and 2 other girls- came all the way home with me.
Then a weird twist of events, we were able to have our little, abused friend who spends all day alone on the street spend the day with us.  We're not fully aware of the whole situation, but the poor little guy is obviously malnourished.  We thought he was 3, but apparently he's actually six. He has a cut on his leg that we were told was from his mother cutting him with a knife. And, we've actually seen her beat him before.  We are constantly fighting children who abuse him.  We even see adults tormenting him with food. He has obviously had about zero training in his life and seems to have possible mental issues/hearing issues.  He has 2 huge lumps on his head which look like tumors or something.  He's filthy and naked.  He cannot talk at all.  And, oh my goodness- he literally screeches as loud as a chimpanzee. All the time.  Oh- it's very stressful.  All of us chased him around the house, getting him out of things, trying to bathe him, trying to make him stop screaming, trying to get marbles and whatnot out of his mouth, saving him from hot cups of coffee and sharp knives, rescuing things he through down the toilet, feeding him, cleaning up, picking up chairs he tipped over, getting hit in the face (he thinks that's really funny), changing clothes he puked/peed on... It's sounds very glamorous reading about people who help children in need.  Today was a huge reality slap.  It's not glamorous at all, and it is going to take a lot of work and patience.  But, seeing that poor child laugh.  Oh his laugh!  Or seeing him smile.  All day we hear him screaming outside because people torment him and he's hungry and thirsty- it's awful.  He never laughs out there.  When he climbs up on your lap and grabs your arms and wraps them around himself... It makes it all worthwhile.  After his mother came and got him today they were out on the street.  I started walking past them and he came and ran into my arms and wrapped his arms around my neck and would not let me go.  I wondered what his mother must think? To see her child run into the arms of a near stranger like that?  Eventually I just had to hand him back to her.  Apparently his father lives in Kuwait with his second wife. His mother is very poor and washes dishes for somebody.
On top of that- we had another friend over- his name is Arif and he is 12.  A very nice boy who speaks fairly good English.  And likes to play guitar and sing.  Very loudly.  So add that to the shrieking!  I really, really like that kid.  Always so friendly and polite when we see him in the street. He is a cousin to the other boy we had.  Apparently his father died in a car accident.  He told me his mother doesn't have enough money to send him to school.  He also has some scars and when I asked him about them he said it was from his mother but I couldn't understand if it was an accident or not.  After awhile our landlady's servant girl came and got Arif and told him to leave.  According to her he has a record of stealing and he is not a good boy.  It was so heartbreaking to see him- he sat there, not able to look up at us and looking like he was going to cry and told us what she had said about him and that he needed to go.  It was so sad.  He is my favorite of all the kids.
Then- on top of that- we had 2 other children come over and play.  Then our landlady came to visit.
Our apartment was full today.  And oh so hot.  All of the doors had to be shut so Limon didn't get into stuff, so there was zero breeze.  In the chaos, even doing dishes or trying to study was basically impossible.  And today, in the middle of all that we were trying to Skype with my grandma.  You'd be trying to talk and you'd have to stop because of the shrieking or you'd get hit with a soccer ball...
It's been really bizzare.
Then us girls were watching a movie and this enormous beetle flew into our room.  Lots of shrieking. And then a few minutes later another bug flew on us.  More shrieking...haha..
After all that, I finally get to bed and I can't sleep. Beshi chinta (too much thinking).  Because I started thinking about Friday when we are having our first family to dinner here.. and I started thinking about what to make.. and guess what?!  I don't really know how to cook Bangla food!  Then I kind of started panicking and mentally calculating what I would cook, and how I would cook it and when I would cook and how I would make enough room for everyone to sit and wondering if I had enough serving bowls or enough glasses, wondering which rice I should cook. Wondering when I should go to the market, which stores and what would I need. Thinking I should cook beef- then thinking they were Hindus before they became Christians.  Maybe they don't like beef!  So chicken.  Yes- wait, I still don't know where to buy decent chicken at.  Do they eat dessert after dinner?  Will they want cha? Will they stay for awhile after dinner?  What time should we eat? What lentils should I buy because- we have to have dhal of course.  Oh wait.  How do they cook their dhal?  And so- I am up at 1 in the morning researching dhal and Bangla cooking.  
Oh my goodness.  This is not as easy as it looks. ;)