Yesterday.. was just one of those days. You know, I think I kind of forgot how revealing being with your family is. It's like you get to see every bad thing about you all the time.
Yesterday nothing went right. I was making eggs for breakfast and the lid came off of the salt which left the eggs buried underneath about a cup of salt. We were expecting company around 6:00, so I knew I needed to go get groceries (no small job!) before they came and get things ready. So mom and the boys and I went out- couldn't find the place and all that... It was very stressful. I came home and then I needed to go to another store, and I only had a couple of hours before they came to make dessert. So we left in the pouring rain, went and bought butter and 2 KGs of over-priced apples and came home dripping wet. I peeled and cored all of the apples and handed the bowl of apples to emily to go wash and the bowl of peelings to trow away. So she walks in there and accidentally throws the apples away. I couldn't believe it. 2-3 hours of work just gone. And people on the way, and not much time to make anything else. I basically wanted to cry. Which is kind of laughable now, but it definitely wasn't yesterday! So, I decided maybe I had enough time to make brownies before they came. Aaaaand... I forgot to turn the top of the oven off so they were totally black on top. It was so ridiculous. And after all that. They never even came. So we sat around in the dark and dressed nicely with our makeup and hair done, no place to go, nothing to do with burnt brownies. haha.. The stress of daily life, plus the daily commentary on you and what you do, plus the feelings of my own inadequacy, plus a bunch of other little annoyances... I pretty much just went to bed and cried.
It's pretty weird that, even being in a totally new and different place.. life is pretty much the same. There is the daily struggle of feeling content. In some ways feeling like this is exactly where I should be and want to be- in other ways feeling like it's not at all where I should/want to be. There's the inner feeling of failure and inadequacy and feeling like I just don't have it in me, that I just can't cope. There's the feeling of such frustration with life, frustration with people, frustration with myself... I admit, I just wanted to lay in bed this morning and not get up. Sometimes I want to run away and I realize, there's no where to run. Because, in reality, the problem is me. Right now- I guess there's some major refining going on with me. haha... it's not fun. Necessary maybe, but it's really hard. And I am trying to learn to be content with whatever place I am in. And I do not mean Bangladesh- I truly love this place. It's more the place I am at in life- sometimes it just seems like I should not still be here...sometimes it seems like I'm dealing with the same thing I've been dealing with my entire life. And it gets pretty boring and frustrating. :-/
Yesterday nothing went right. I was making eggs for breakfast and the lid came off of the salt which left the eggs buried underneath about a cup of salt. We were expecting company around 6:00, so I knew I needed to go get groceries (no small job!) before they came and get things ready. So mom and the boys and I went out- couldn't find the place and all that... It was very stressful. I came home and then I needed to go to another store, and I only had a couple of hours before they came to make dessert. So we left in the pouring rain, went and bought butter and 2 KGs of over-priced apples and came home dripping wet. I peeled and cored all of the apples and handed the bowl of apples to emily to go wash and the bowl of peelings to trow away. So she walks in there and accidentally throws the apples away. I couldn't believe it. 2-3 hours of work just gone. And people on the way, and not much time to make anything else. I basically wanted to cry. Which is kind of laughable now, but it definitely wasn't yesterday! So, I decided maybe I had enough time to make brownies before they came. Aaaaand... I forgot to turn the top of the oven off so they were totally black on top. It was so ridiculous. And after all that. They never even came. So we sat around in the dark and dressed nicely with our makeup and hair done, no place to go, nothing to do with burnt brownies. haha.. The stress of daily life, plus the daily commentary on you and what you do, plus the feelings of my own inadequacy, plus a bunch of other little annoyances... I pretty much just went to bed and cried.
It's pretty weird that, even being in a totally new and different place.. life is pretty much the same. There is the daily struggle of feeling content. In some ways feeling like this is exactly where I should be and want to be- in other ways feeling like it's not at all where I should/want to be. There's the inner feeling of failure and inadequacy and feeling like I just don't have it in me, that I just can't cope. There's the feeling of such frustration with life, frustration with people, frustration with myself... I admit, I just wanted to lay in bed this morning and not get up. Sometimes I want to run away and I realize, there's no where to run. Because, in reality, the problem is me. Right now- I guess there's some major refining going on with me. haha... it's not fun. Necessary maybe, but it's really hard. And I am trying to learn to be content with whatever place I am in. And I do not mean Bangladesh- I truly love this place. It's more the place I am at in life- sometimes it just seems like I should not still be here...sometimes it seems like I'm dealing with the same thing I've been dealing with my entire life. And it gets pretty boring and frustrating. :-/
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