I guess I can't honestly say that things have been going well here- they have been pretty rough. I am not sure I have ever felt quite so broken or quite so hopeless. After a conversation with my mom I basically well, just ran away from home. I just suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe, like I couldn't take it anymore. I felt trapped and I just wanted to run away as fast and as hard as I could until I couldn't go anymore. Sadly, there's no where to go and I just found myself walking down the beach. So angry and frustrated and saying. "God! Why have you made it so hard when you could have made it so easy?! Why have you made it so easy for some people and so difficult for others? What have I not lost? I know you said your way is perfect, but surely this cannot be your way. It hurts too much! And you keep asking for more! Can't you just leave this alone? Just let me have this?"
I have been so frustrated. So confused. I suddenly felt like I was looking at my life and all I could see was failure. Everything I have tried to do, everything I endeavored to be - I have failed at. Everything that was supposed to work- hasn't. Nothing has turned out "right". Nothing has gone the way it was "supposed to." Every lofty ambition I have had was suddenly reduced to nothing more than a pathetic girl sitting alone on a beach totally empty and broken and bitter towards life. A girl already weary and tired of life.
I started thinking about my life- the different choices I have made. They were not easy choices- they often came with a lot of sacrifice. But I made them because I believed that they were the right choices to make. It seems pathetic to say, because I personally know people who have given up so much more than I have- but suddenly all the difficulty of the last 6 or 7 years seemed to be on my shoulders right then, and they seemed so hard, and worse than that- they seemed pointless.
I had to ask myself if any of the sacrifice was worth it. I had nothing to write on with me so I wrote in the sand everything I felt that I was, everything I am afraid of .. alone, pointless, empty, failure,without purpose....
I guess it's really impossible to write everything I was feeling at the time. I stayed there for 3 hours.. and there didn't seem to be any answers. There didn't seem to be any hope. It is scary to find yourself questioning everything and asking, "Was it worth it or has all this loss just been pointless?" It's also scary to find yourself pointing at others and asking, "Why do they get everything so easily? While I keep having to give up things?!"
I came home and went to bed- feeling so heavy-hearted. And I just spent the rest of the day feeling tormented and troubled. The next morning I still felt miserable- wondering what I could do to change all of this. One night I just broke down and told my mom, "I am tired of life! I am disappointed in everything! Nothing has turned out right! And I have failed at everything!"
I went out on our veranda and just sobbed- everything felt so hopeless, and I felt so helplessly lost.
My dad came out to talk to me, and gave me some big things to think about. He encouraged me to not be so quick to live by what I feel- but by what I know. He also encouraged me to be careful not to rely on other people or on other things to make me 'okay'- but to rely on Christ alone, because- obviously, people fail where Jesus does not. And He also reminded me that a commitment to Jesus is not one where you let go of the rope a little at a time- you have to let go all at once. And then I cried on his shoulder as he prayed for me.. ;) I am sure he said it all so much more clearly than that- but that's what stood out to me.
I cannot say that everything is all wonderful and bright now- but I am finding at least some hope now. My mind has been very busy these last few days- and I don't really feel that I am expressing myself as clearly as I would like to. What I have mostly been considering is the part about letting go of the rope- all at once. I have been afraid to do that- I have not had the faith to believe that Jesus is enough. And I fear this God who is so jealous of His people that He will and must be first in their hearts. I am afraid of things I might lose, people I might lose, afraid of a hard like of sacrifice- terrified really. I am afraid to surrender to a God who may ask me for things that make me feel like I am dying inside to give up. I am counting the cost- I am asking again, "It is worth it?" I feel like I am asking that question again with more knowledge of what pain saying 'yes' may come with.
Am I willing to let go of the rope and trust God?
I have been so frustrated. So confused. I suddenly felt like I was looking at my life and all I could see was failure. Everything I have tried to do, everything I endeavored to be - I have failed at. Everything that was supposed to work- hasn't. Nothing has turned out "right". Nothing has gone the way it was "supposed to." Every lofty ambition I have had was suddenly reduced to nothing more than a pathetic girl sitting alone on a beach totally empty and broken and bitter towards life. A girl already weary and tired of life.
I started thinking about my life- the different choices I have made. They were not easy choices- they often came with a lot of sacrifice. But I made them because I believed that they were the right choices to make. It seems pathetic to say, because I personally know people who have given up so much more than I have- but suddenly all the difficulty of the last 6 or 7 years seemed to be on my shoulders right then, and they seemed so hard, and worse than that- they seemed pointless.
I had to ask myself if any of the sacrifice was worth it. I had nothing to write on with me so I wrote in the sand everything I felt that I was, everything I am afraid of .. alone, pointless, empty, failure,without purpose....
I guess it's really impossible to write everything I was feeling at the time. I stayed there for 3 hours.. and there didn't seem to be any answers. There didn't seem to be any hope. It is scary to find yourself questioning everything and asking, "Was it worth it or has all this loss just been pointless?" It's also scary to find yourself pointing at others and asking, "Why do they get everything so easily? While I keep having to give up things?!"
I came home and went to bed- feeling so heavy-hearted. And I just spent the rest of the day feeling tormented and troubled. The next morning I still felt miserable- wondering what I could do to change all of this. One night I just broke down and told my mom, "I am tired of life! I am disappointed in everything! Nothing has turned out right! And I have failed at everything!"
I went out on our veranda and just sobbed- everything felt so hopeless, and I felt so helplessly lost.
My dad came out to talk to me, and gave me some big things to think about. He encouraged me to not be so quick to live by what I feel- but by what I know. He also encouraged me to be careful not to rely on other people or on other things to make me 'okay'- but to rely on Christ alone, because- obviously, people fail where Jesus does not. And He also reminded me that a commitment to Jesus is not one where you let go of the rope a little at a time- you have to let go all at once. And then I cried on his shoulder as he prayed for me.. ;) I am sure he said it all so much more clearly than that- but that's what stood out to me.
I cannot say that everything is all wonderful and bright now- but I am finding at least some hope now. My mind has been very busy these last few days- and I don't really feel that I am expressing myself as clearly as I would like to. What I have mostly been considering is the part about letting go of the rope- all at once. I have been afraid to do that- I have not had the faith to believe that Jesus is enough. And I fear this God who is so jealous of His people that He will and must be first in their hearts. I am afraid of things I might lose, people I might lose, afraid of a hard like of sacrifice- terrified really. I am afraid to surrender to a God who may ask me for things that make me feel like I am dying inside to give up. I am counting the cost- I am asking again, "It is worth it?" I feel like I am asking that question again with more knowledge of what pain saying 'yes' may come with.
Am I willing to let go of the rope and trust God?
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