Some days.... this place just really drives me crazy.!
I think one of the absolutely most annoying things about living here is the fact that I cannot walk out of this apartment without having someone with me. I can't just decide to do something and do it. I can't ever think, "Oh, a walk to the beach sounds nice." and walk out the door- it's always an ordeal. It's always a matter of waiting for several people- and it frustrates me so much!
In the states it's pretty much a daily thing for me to put in a pair of headphones and go running or walking. For me, it's always been my daily taste of freedom...haha... as lame as that sounds. It's just the time when I'm alone and I don't have to wait for anybody, or stop, or go home when they want to. I can't believe how much I miss that. Sometimes this apartment really does feel like a cave- and there's just no where to escape to. Drives me crazy. I really miss being independent. I don't necessarily like being alone, but I also don't like never being able to make a decision. I don't have my own money- so I never make any decisions about what I want to buy... I can't go anywhere alone... things like that. I dunno- it just annoys me! I loved living in Redmond and being able to decide I needed to do something or wanted to go somewhere and I could just.. go. There was no coordinating or asking for money or getting permission... I miss freedom... I knew that this was going to be hard on me. And part of it's being here where women are just expected to act in certain ways- I feel very rebellious at times. :-/ And part of it's just coming back and being a part of a family. And part of it's being crowded, where nothing is your own. I don't have my own room, my own space.. sometimes I find myself fighting for things as pathetic as my own backpack! It's just super challenging/frustrating for me....
It's been especially annoying today for some reason. I fell asleep this afternoon and dreamed I found this huge stack of cash in my and in my dream I was thinking, "Oh! maybe it's time for me to decide when I'm going to go home..." And there was a certain amount of panic like, "this is the only money I'll ever have as my own! I have to save this!" haha....
That said- and I'm sure it sounds beyond pathetic. :-/, I am trying to keep in mind that this is only for a time- only a season. I guess I am a little discouraged because I thought we were nearing the 5 month mark of being here, and then I realized it's only been 4 months. That sounds like so little...it sounds like nothing! Sometimes I feel very much like it's time to move on, but then I realize that the opportunity is not here now. And I don't want to miss the good things about today in a mad rush to get to the next thing. This is apparently where God has me at today- and I want to learn to be content, despite the challenges/frustrations. I'm trying to remain calm and stable- taking deep breaths- and avoiding going crazy. ;)
I think one of the absolutely most annoying things about living here is the fact that I cannot walk out of this apartment without having someone with me. I can't just decide to do something and do it. I can't ever think, "Oh, a walk to the beach sounds nice." and walk out the door- it's always an ordeal. It's always a matter of waiting for several people- and it frustrates me so much!
In the states it's pretty much a daily thing for me to put in a pair of headphones and go running or walking. For me, it's always been my daily taste of freedom...haha... as lame as that sounds. It's just the time when I'm alone and I don't have to wait for anybody, or stop, or go home when they want to. I can't believe how much I miss that. Sometimes this apartment really does feel like a cave- and there's just no where to escape to. Drives me crazy. I really miss being independent. I don't necessarily like being alone, but I also don't like never being able to make a decision. I don't have my own money- so I never make any decisions about what I want to buy... I can't go anywhere alone... things like that. I dunno- it just annoys me! I loved living in Redmond and being able to decide I needed to do something or wanted to go somewhere and I could just.. go. There was no coordinating or asking for money or getting permission... I miss freedom... I knew that this was going to be hard on me. And part of it's being here where women are just expected to act in certain ways- I feel very rebellious at times. :-/ And part of it's just coming back and being a part of a family. And part of it's being crowded, where nothing is your own. I don't have my own room, my own space.. sometimes I find myself fighting for things as pathetic as my own backpack! It's just super challenging/frustrating for me....
It's been especially annoying today for some reason. I fell asleep this afternoon and dreamed I found this huge stack of cash in my and in my dream I was thinking, "Oh! maybe it's time for me to decide when I'm going to go home..." And there was a certain amount of panic like, "this is the only money I'll ever have as my own! I have to save this!" haha....
That said- and I'm sure it sounds beyond pathetic. :-/, I am trying to keep in mind that this is only for a time- only a season. I guess I am a little discouraged because I thought we were nearing the 5 month mark of being here, and then I realized it's only been 4 months. That sounds like so little...it sounds like nothing! Sometimes I feel very much like it's time to move on, but then I realize that the opportunity is not here now. And I don't want to miss the good things about today in a mad rush to get to the next thing. This is apparently where God has me at today- and I want to learn to be content, despite the challenges/frustrations. I'm trying to remain calm and stable- taking deep breaths- and avoiding going crazy. ;)
I know it's a serious post, but I can't help myself... I love you, Eve ;). Praying for you!
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