A clean slate.  A fresh start.
I have been running for way too long.  I have been foolish and blind.  Hiding from the truth, hiding from things I don't want to believe, things I don't want to hear. I have justified myself- deceived myself.  Deceived the ones who care about me most and avoided being honest because it has been too painful to deal with.
I am tired of being held back by my own fear and weakness.  How long have I chosen to stay in this miserable 'middle ground'? And why? What good has come from it?  When did I start thinking that maybe God's way wasn't best after all and that it was necessary for me to take things into my own hands?  When did I start following my own way and being angry at God for not fixing it, for not making it all right and easy? Now, looking back, I suddenly see how patiently and kindly and slowly God has dealt/ is dealing with me. And I am thankful that He has not let me go.  I am thankful that He does not give up on us, even when we totally fail- as I have done.
I do not feel stronger- I do not feel more "able".  Even as I say these things there is still pain, still hurt, still fear- but I can suddenly see the mercy and faithfulness of God again. And I want to have enough faith to trust Him enough to obey Him, leaving the consequences/results up to Him.