It's pretty frustrating that as my life goes on I keep finding myself coming back around to the same questions.
Lately things here have been rough.  Apparently that's just the way it is- and I can see the way it's wearing out my whole family.  We're all tired and on-edge.  It's kind of pathetic and embarrassing. Little things that shouldn't be that big of a deal and suddenly, after some stupid argument, I find myself saying to my mom, "I am going to go crazy!!"
So I started asking myself- Why am I here?  What am I supposed to be doing?  When I came it all seemed so clear and simple- I was coming to help/support my family.  Fail.  I'm just another mess on top of everyone else's!  I am a crumbling support wall at best.  It's hard to face the difficult days and at the end be wondering what the point of it all was and to wonder what the point of tomorrow will be.
I am frustrated because I expected to have some clear, definite purpose in my life way before now. Some 'calling' as everyone says- but I just don't.  It's pretty surprising to be on a foreign mission field and be asking, "Okay, what am I supposed to be doing again?"
I always feel so guilty.  Like everything about me is wrong.  I feel guilty because I know what I want- and doesn't seem all that "spiritual". I think part of me still believes that if isn't spiritual- it's wrong.
I am literally failing over here.  I envy those people who have such clear and definite callings that drive them everyday.  And in a way- I don't, because that would also be a very heavy burden.  I envy those who have such eternal perspective- who see a lost and dying world.  I have tried for years to see it like they do- and I just don't.  I am always wondering what is wrong with me.  What did I miss?  Or did I miss anything?  These thoughts trouble me- because I don't know.
I know what I want. But how do I know what God wants?  What am I supposed to be?  What does it really mean to be a disciple of Jesus?  Am I willing to truly forsake all?  And what does that look like in my life?
In one way I long to know the answers to these questions- but I am also very scared to know!
I sometimes think that I have formed an idea of God based on other people's experiences.
The thought sometimes occurs to me that maybe I don't really know God as I should.  Perhaps the questions about life and purpose and all the other things that trouble me aren't really the important things.
 I am always asking God for answers, but now I am asking Him to show me who He is.  I am confident that if I know who He is-  I will not be afraid of any answer He might give me.

"Lord, make me to know mine end,

and the measure of my days,

what it is;

that I may know how frail I am.

Behold, Thou has made my days as a hand breadth:

and mine age is nothing before Thee:

verily every man at his best state is altogether vanity."

"So teach us to number our days- that we may apply wisdom.."

                                                 

                                                   ~psalms  39:4-5/90:12