For some reason I randomly woke up at 5 this morning.  I haven't been sleeping very well lately.  It is so beautiful and peaceful here this early.  Here in Bangladesh everybody gets up lat (maybe 9 or 10), and goes to bed late (maybe 1-2 am).  So late into the night we hear kids playing in the street and people talking...but the early mornings are so quiet.  And even a little cool outside.  I'm thinking maybe I should get up this early more often. ;)
I cannot believe it is October already- I'm shocked how fast this time has gone by. Winter comes here in November-January and they keep telling us how cold it will be.  I cannot wait. :)
I'm really seeking the Lord lately about the future/how long I will be here/ what's next.  I don't know that He's ever just given me the full picture of everything beforehand- but I really wish I had some picture. Originally I had a year in mind for whatever reason.  But I just don't really know.  In light of the work here, and the extremely difficult language- a year seem like nothing.  In light of everything else- a year seems like a really long time.  I feel very torn between two worlds.  When I think about leaving this place- I don't want to leave.  I love this place and I always want to be a part of it.  But when I think about staying- I don't want to stay.   It's difficult and isolated and lonely.  I miss home- I miss life, and normalcy, and people back in the states. I guess it comes down to living in today- being content in today- and serving Jesus right where He has me.  Still- I wish I knew.
The hardest thing about being here is feeling so alone, isolated, forgotten and unimportant.  It's humbling to see just how little you really matter in people's lives.  It's painful to see that people can get along just fine without you.  Everyone's lives go on- it doesn't matter if you're involved or not.  This was one of the biggest reasons I did not want to come here.  I even had literal nightmares about it... and now that it's here, yeah- it pretty much sucks.  I'm kinda feeling a huge loss lately.  There have been a few friends/relationships I never thought I'd lose- or that things would never change.  And now, they've either changed or they're gone completely.  And I get it- it's super challenging to keep up with people in the busy-ness of everyday life, things change, unforeseen things happen, internet is faulty, there are time changes, distances- that's life.  I myself am terrible at keeping up with people, so a lot of the losses I blame on myself.  All that being said-  I feel very much alone.  Very forgotten.  Very insignificant in the big scheme of things.  And I guess it was my pride that expected anything else.  It is a hard lesson to learn though.
Part of the alone-ness is that, there's so much here- everything is different and new.  Everyday is filled with unusual circumstances, different people, different clothes, different food.  Everything is different.  It's so daunting trying to share what life is like here with people who cannot really grasp it because they've never experienced it.  There are literally only 7 people who understand/relate to my life here!  So sometimes even talking to people- I don't even know what to say.
I suppose I'm feeling too sorry for myself- but, just being honest- these are the things that are the most difficult here. I have to remind myself that, with the Lord- I am never truly alone. Never forgotten. Never forsaken.  And that He not only understands, but shares in every burden, every tear, every sorrow....
On a happier note- today we are going to go buy saris for Hannah and I's upcoming birthdays.  I am pretty excited about that.  Also, this morning we were asked to come share some songs with a school.  There's literally a school on the ground level of our apartment building (weird?).  I'm not so excited about that- but hey, it should be interesting. ;)