It's been a rough day here. I don't know what it is- things are fine and they're "normal" (as in- normal for here), then all of the sudden it's just more than you can deal with.
Being here- it's been like holding my breath for months and months. Just enduring every day as it comes, struggling to get through it. And that's just how it is- until I suddenly realize- I can't breath! And enduring is not the same as living.
I would like to say that I meet each day with joy here. That I wake up filled with purpose and ambition. But that is far from the truth. Even the things I enjoyed doing at home, I hate doing here. I hate cooking and shopping here. There's no where to go, no point in getting dressed up for anything. It's hot. It's awkward. Everything is uncomfortable- nothing is normal. The food isn't appetizing. Trying to sleep is like torture. It's hard-at least for me. And I would very much like to say that all of those things are inconsequential to me, but they drive me crazy! And it's getting more and more to where I feel like I can't deal with it.
And I don't think people understand it. When I say things to people- I know they are thinking, "Whats the big deal? How can you be so concerned about yourself when people have it so much worse there?" And- believe me- I ask myself the same thing. But- the truth is, at least for me- it's hard. Really hard. To put it bluntly, I hate living here. Seriously. And for the first time since being here I feel like if there was a plane ticket- I would take it. It's so much more than I am able to deal with.
But... and this is where I always come back to- I don't want to quit. I want to do well while I am here. I don't want run home. I wonder if that's my own pride- but I hope that I am obeying God. That's a whole other thing for me to sort out there...
I just miss home. Wherever that is. It's been so long since any place was home to me. It's been a long time since I've been somewhere that I really felt comfortable- really felt like it was mine. I would love to just.. BE somewhere, to really feel some sense of belonging. I have been in this jumping from place to place thing for awhile now, and I'm tired. That's one of the biggest reasons I didn't want to come here in the first place. I want home.. and some normalcy, done independence..
I know it's just a season- and it's a short one. And it will be over soon. I don't want to miss it... but it gets harder and harder to be optimistic about things.
Being here- it's been like holding my breath for months and months. Just enduring every day as it comes, struggling to get through it. And that's just how it is- until I suddenly realize- I can't breath! And enduring is not the same as living.
I would like to say that I meet each day with joy here. That I wake up filled with purpose and ambition. But that is far from the truth. Even the things I enjoyed doing at home, I hate doing here. I hate cooking and shopping here. There's no where to go, no point in getting dressed up for anything. It's hot. It's awkward. Everything is uncomfortable- nothing is normal. The food isn't appetizing. Trying to sleep is like torture. It's hard-at least for me. And I would very much like to say that all of those things are inconsequential to me, but they drive me crazy! And it's getting more and more to where I feel like I can't deal with it.
And I don't think people understand it. When I say things to people- I know they are thinking, "Whats the big deal? How can you be so concerned about yourself when people have it so much worse there?" And- believe me- I ask myself the same thing. But- the truth is, at least for me- it's hard. Really hard. To put it bluntly, I hate living here. Seriously. And for the first time since being here I feel like if there was a plane ticket- I would take it. It's so much more than I am able to deal with.
But... and this is where I always come back to- I don't want to quit. I want to do well while I am here. I don't want run home. I wonder if that's my own pride- but I hope that I am obeying God. That's a whole other thing for me to sort out there...
I just miss home. Wherever that is. It's been so long since any place was home to me. It's been a long time since I've been somewhere that I really felt comfortable- really felt like it was mine. I would love to just.. BE somewhere, to really feel some sense of belonging. I have been in this jumping from place to place thing for awhile now, and I'm tired. That's one of the biggest reasons I didn't want to come here in the first place. I want home.. and some normalcy, done independence..
I know it's just a season- and it's a short one. And it will be over soon. I don't want to miss it... but it gets harder and harder to be optimistic about things.
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