Saturday, April 5, 2014

I don't know why I keep on writing on here... I realize I am writing nothing interesting or relevant and probably nothing worth reading.  All the time I think I should just stop- I think I'm probably just talking to myself.  But, I dunno.. there's something sort of therapeutic about it..  It's sort of an outlet for me.  All the same- it does seem rather pointless. 
But then there are nights, like tonight,  when I can't sleep (again), and I really think it would be nice to write something...  I actually enjoy writing I guess, but then- there's not much to say.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately- a lot of self-examination. A lot of seeing where I'm at with God. Just kind of asking myself where I'm at, where I'm going and where I want to go.  I'm trying to gain some focus, some clarity and direction.  It's actually been really good for me I think.  
I am not at all big on being "self-focused", but it's so easy just to live life without purpose or intention, so I'm stepping back and just seeking God about what He has for me, what my purpose is, looking at how He has gifted me (having never considered myself as "gifted", it's a little strange...).
I started seeing some things about myself that I hadn't realized before.  As I have been thinking through all of this, I started noticing that I didn't really like what I was seeing about myself.  It just kind of seemed...inadequate.  I started thinking over my life and I realized how much I have always been driven by guilt.  I really feel like anything I've ever done never measured up, that I've never done well enough, never been good enough, never been "spiritual" enough. I guess it's one thing when that results in humility or conviction or God-given repentance- but when it results in fear and discouragement?  Not so much.  I don't think following Jesus should feel like a burden.  I don't think following Jesus makes His people feel like they are worthless or that they are condemned or that they are failures. I am not talking about when God convicts you of sin-  I'm talking about a constant weight of guilt that chokes out your joy and makes you feel constantly ashamed of yourself.
I've felt that way ever since I've come to Bangladesh-like what I'm doing is pathetic and that I must be sooo messed up inside.  I felt that way in the training program because I didn't like street evangelism or door-to-door.  I felt that way at the tent meetings with James Lucas.  And in other things before...
I think one of my biggest problems is that I have always had an idea in my mind of what I was supposed to be/do.   And I based it off of other people around me. And always felt guilty because I was not them.  
It's been interesting to kind of step back from all that and start seeing that God has made me different-and it's not less-than. It's okay-and it's even .... needed.  
My greatest desire is to do what God asks of me and to follow Him-and that is going to be different and unique and full of purpose and fulfilling and that's actually pretty exciting.
I don't know what's next for me or where I'm going.  For now though, I am here... and I believe I'm where God has placed me for right now and I want to be faithful to do the things He sent me to do- even though it may be very small.  And I want to really value and enjoy what time I have left here.

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