I used to be better...or did I..?
I find that thought running through my mind a lot these days.
I used to be more righteous. more God-centered. more focused. more serious.
I used to have stronger convictions. better rules.... I used to be...better..
So. What happened?
When did I change? How did that happen?
I sometimes wonder if it's not a good change. Maybe it's good for me not to feel so good about me.
I don't know.
I heard once that the most miserable place a person can be in is to have one foot in the world and one foot in Christ. It's an impossible line to walk and, sooner or later we must, "choose this day who you will serve." Sometimes I feel like I'm there. Or neither here nor there, as it were. Not *really* pursuing the world.. but not really pursuing Jesus either.... and, yeah, it's rather miserable.
The thing is... I have lived so long basing my life off of my ideas. What does a person who is totally in love with and pursuing Jesus actually look like? What does holiness look like? What does it look like to be, "not of the world"? There are so many interpretations of that...it's confusing.
What are my ideas and what are Gods ideas?
Honestly. I don't like where I'm at, but I don't know where to start. I feel tired. Tired of struggling.. And I know it's pathetic. I have not "resisted unto blood..." as Paul put it.
I just know I don't want to go *there*... I do not want to be sucked into this world that is so full of misery, destruction, regrets and disappointment...
It's like we're all being pulled in.. People I care so much for, and I don't want them to go there either...
We do so desperately need God.
These verses came to my mind today,
"Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast lost thy first love... Be *watchful* and *strengthen those things that remain*...." (-Rev. 2:4;3:2)
And this quote - " No matter what changes God has performed in you, never rely upon them. Build only on a person -the Lord Jesus Christ and on the Spirit He gives." -O. Chambers