I had the most awful dream last night. It's put me in a rather... sober mood...

I dreamed I was at my cousin Jade's wedding.  I was talking to her... but the whole time I felt so distant.  In my dream it was as though I had been totally missing from her life.  Totally uninvolved. I began to ask her how her and this guy met.  And as I asked I realized it was strange that I didn't know?  Like I said.. it's like I hadn't really been there.  Had just showed up.  And was trying to pick up where I left off... only to realize that everybody's lives had moved on without me.  There were other dear friends at her wedding too.  All of which were either married... moved on... or just distant.  In the crowd I would see faces that I should have known. But didn't. Not really.  Faces that were dear and familiar.  But I would realize that... I didn't know them anymore.  They had moved on.  I would look from face to face searching for some remains of what used to be there.  But it was gone.  In the end I just went off by myself. Totally alone.

It was such a disturbing dream.  Because it was too real.  

Today I have been thinking of all the relationships I have been in where I felt so close to a person that I thought nothing could ever change that.  That we would be close for the rest of our lives.  But life throws things at you that you are not expecting.  Things change.  We change.  Circumstances that are beyond our control come into play.  And you see people move on.  grow distant. walk away.  People that you know never wanted that... it's just. what. happened.  And it continues to happen.

I hate that.  In the end, it seems like we're just fighting to hold on to each other.  When sometimes, for whatever reason, whether it's because it easier to let go or because life forces you to let go.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

~ Love suffers. Without stopping.

~ Love always shows kindness.

~ Love does not envy or show jealousy - it desires the other person to have what is best.  It shows no 

    selfishness.

~ Love does not allow you to highly esteem yourself.  It makes you consider yourself to be a servant, 

   less than... It does not allow you to be upset when you are forgotten or overlooked or mistreated.

~ Love is well behaved,

~  Love does not allow you to do what pleases yourself.

~   Love is not easily offended - it is not easily upset; it is willing to bear and to forgive offences.

~ Love desires to believe the best about another.

~ Love is willing to carry the painful consequences of another's failure.

~ Love always believes - always hopes - never gives up on another.

~ Love is strong enough to endure anything - any injury. any trial. any mistreatment. 

~ (True) love - the love that is of God and is self-sacrificing - never fails.  It endures forever.  It never 

    fades.  Never falters.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BClFpTijh1Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86wdeqVSlZw

Tired of hiding.  Wish I could just say what I am really thinking... and I can't.  I know I can't. How long?   Sometimes it seems like half of my life is just a game of pretend.

Whenever I find  something placed in my hands something of the utmost value, something dear and precious and beautiful, why am I so reluctant to place it in His hands?  As I realize that my selfishness and greed can destroy that precious thing... I am willing to give it to Him knowing that He is able to do what is right. what is good.  what is best.  Knowing that He is able to keep it and guard it and protect it much better than I ever could.  Knowing that He is stronger than all my weakness.  Knowing that He fully understands the pain and fear it causes me to let go.  I know I can trust even the things that are the most dear and precious to me to Him.  He is always faithful.

"Lord, may no gift of Yours ever take your place in my heart.

Help me to hold them lightly in an open palm,

that the supreme object of my desire may always be

You and You alone."

~Jim Elliot

What. a. week.
I am so exhausted.
After photographing my first wedding...  I can honestly say I am surprised at how much work there is in it.  It's fun work.  But definitely work.  And I am oh, so hoping that the pictures turn out well... I am still pretty nervous. :/
And so, she's married.  So strange.  
The topic this week has been... of course... who's next?
It's so funny... or, I don't know, maybe funny isn't the right word?  But, here I am, I am going to be 22 in 16 days. (Me?  22?!)  I feel younger and more immature than I've ever felt! :;) And, after being oh so certain for so many years I would marry early (haha), I am the one sitting there saying, "I know I won't be next!"  And, it's okay.  I am content to wait.  :)  I did get a a promise that I wouldn't be asked to be a bridesmaid from a friend.  It would be the third time.  And... you know what they say about that.... :)
Had a sweet, precious talk with a dear friend.  At a time in my life where it's hard to talk to just anybody... it was so refreshing to be able to just tell her where I'm at.  Bluntly and honestly, in all its' pathetic, gory details...  And surprising to hear how similar our experiences have been.  I love when that happens.   :)

Wow. One of my dearest friends is getting married tomorrow.  married...  just trying to process that makes my head hurt!  I can't keep up with all of my friends' names changing on facebook! :)  I'm super happy for her.  She is super happy.
Right now... I'm just really tired.  It's been such a hectic week.  My life never seems to slow down.  Which is okay.  I like being busy.
Learned something new about myself.  When it comes to seriously awkward situations... wow. I am so bad at handling them with grace!  My sister laughed so hard at me... :S
Sometimes my "just-act-like-nothing-is-wrong-everything-is-normal" attitude totally fails me.  In the end... I  am realizing I am pretty transparent.  Which is scary...

Today I am canning pizza sauce.  And I look like something fresh out of Bend.  Call it what you will.  Tree -hugger, hippie....granola mom?  Whatever.  It's warm and comfy.  My no-makeup look really tops it all off. ;)  And... I guess I just don't really care.
Alyssa is getting married this weekend.  Crazy.  I am actually getting excited about doing the photography... I am really glad Macy's going to be there.   That helps put my mind at ease!
It strange.  I just feel really alone here... even though I'm surrounded by people.  It's easier just to put on some music and go for a long walk/run.  Guess I'm just tired.  I find myself constantly thinking I wish so-and-so were here...   Then I realize I need to be content and joyful right where I'm at and with the way things are.
Not to sound like I'm  super depressed... I'm actually busy, and working and happy.  Things are different and I'm having fun doing things I haven't done for awhile.
Just. feeling. alone.

Right now I am sitting in a Napa auto-parts parking lot. Selling fresh vegetables and eggs... and I'm online.  How weird is that? :)

I spent the morning picking *lots* of corn and cucumbers in our friend's 5 acre garden.  Crazy.  It's strange how drastically your life can change just by being in a different place.  From sipping lattes in nice coffee shops to hauling heavy buckets of corn... haha... my pathetic aching back makes me wonder, "Wow.  When was the last time I actually did some *hard* work?"  It feels good.  Really good.  I don't think I could be content to live a scholar's life... sitting in class all the time.  I do miss the coffee shops though. ;)

We are enjoying all the produce that they have grown.  Canning salsa (while throwing tomato peels at each other) and pickles... freezing green beans.  And I wonder, "Wow. When was the last time I ate a vegetable?!"  It has been so nice.

The other night I was sitting up late reading, just enjoying the quietness.   Suddenly I realized I couldn't hear anybody.  And I wondered, "Wow.  When was the last time I was actually quiet??"

So.  Apparently Wyoming does have some good things to offer. ;)  I think it has been good for me... but, I still feel so far away from everything... everyone.  I don't really know why.  It's not like I saw people all the time in Bend, but it seemed like it was at least not a ridiculous hope. At least it was a possibility.  Hannah and I are constantly wondering... "Who could we get to drive all the way here, just to visit us?"  I guess we are dreamers. 

Yesterday I got to spend the afternoon talking with a dear friend.  Spending time with her was all the more precious as she is getting married soon.  I know it must have been a sacrifice for her fiance. :)  It was so sweet catching up a little bit.. enjoying some lunch and coffee and a walk in the park together.  So good to be able to share with her what has really been happening in my life.  Her comment? "Wow, I didn't know your life was so exciting."  Or was the word dramatic?  I don't know.  Either way I had to laugh.  To avoid crying?  Maybe. ;)

We also did some evangelism at the college yesterday.  People seemed so... open.  Compared to Bend, ANYWHERE would seem open I think.  But, there seems to be an 'open door' there. I am excited about getting involved in the bible studies going on there.  We also might be able to get involved in some children's evangelism stuff here too.

We've also been spending time each morning listening to Mr. York's teaching and time in prayer as a family. That has been good.

The days are quickly getting colder.  I don't care much for winter.

I have been looking at things in retrospect lately.  Things become so much clearer looking back.  Looking at my failures and going... "Wow.  I did that?"  I am seeing myself for what I really am.  And it is humbling.  Seeing how selfish I am.  Seeing how much I have hurt those I care most about through my carelessness.  Through my selfishness.  And so, I am realizing that love does not choose to do what makes me happy.  Love chooses to do what is best for the other person, even if it makes me miserable.  Love is doing what is best for someone else, regardless of what loss it might cause me.  Love is giving up myself, my wants....  Another obvious thing, that, of course, everybody knows... but I am learning and re-learning it.  I am also seeing how often we seek to find our happiness in something other than God.  In a thing. In a person.  And I am realizing again (*smile*) how foolish that is. And how it will only end in disappointment.

I tell you as I get older it seems the more I come back around to realizing I don't understand anything.  There was a time when I thought I had it all figured out. (ha) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DeVLSVF6mg

I think me and Hannah and Emily should master this song.... :)  I love the harmony.

Am I willing to lay aside anything/everything that is not actually encouraging me to Christ?  Actually drawing me closer to Him?
Is He actually my 'All in All'.... or not?
Am I willing to allow the cross to do its bloody work of crucifying me to everything that is not of Him regardless of how painful it might be?

"....let us lay aside every weight and sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run 

with patience the race that is set before us,

looking unto Jesus... the Author and Finisher 

of our faith..."

~Hebrews 12:1-2

""But God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross

of our Lord Jesus Christ,

by whom the world is crucified unto me,

and I unto the world."

~Galatians 6:14

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeW0Sl0tNS8


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROqTa1mn_qc&feature=branded

Just try to enjoy the songs... and try to ignore the fact that her mouth is huge... haha

Sitting in Mcdonalds. Eating some pretty nasty food. (not a fan)
Best Mcdonalds experience ever:  Hollywood :D
I love the fact that we went to Hollywood  and ate at Mcdonalds. (haha)
That was such a great time... I don't know how many times I've looked through those pictures... seems like an eternity ago.
I am finally fixing my lens. I found a place in Bozeman that can fix it for $50.  That was really great news. :)
I am also buying a speedlight... that is pretty exciting and I think it will be super-helpful for the upcoming wedding. Oh.. and an extra battery pack. :)
Being "home" is so weird.  I guess I expected to feel some sense of ... belonging?  But everything is different.  I am different.  I think it will take me a little while to get a feel for this place.
One thing I am learning is this:  My present circumstances  do not have to determine my happiness... or maybe joyfulness would be a better word.  The last few months have been some of the hardest ones of my life.  I have been so frustrated and confused... wanting things to be different and knowing that I cannot change them.  Demanding answers about the future... that the Lord has never promised to give me.  Allowing myself to be miserable because things are not the way I want them.  And, sure, it really is hard.  it really hurts.  It just sucks.  But I am realizing that my attitude towards the situation I am in is really what matters.  I realize that I can be thankful for every good thing.  for every thing that has made me smile.  I can be content with things just. the. way. they. are.  Or I can drive myself crazy wishing that things were different right now... when they are not.
How many times do I have to re-learn that God's ways are not my ways.  His plans are totally different than mine.  His time scheme is SO different from mine.  I look at a few years and equate it to an eternity.  But, He... He works so much differently than I do.
I allow myself to become so fearful about the future.  What if this or that happens...?  Then I realize that I have today.  And today, there are good things.  And, while the last few months have been really hard.  They have also been bitter-sweet.  Why am I so quick to dwell on the hard things?  and not the things that have been really sweet?
Ask me tomorrow how I am and I may burst into tears.  Even this morning I allowed myself to lay in bed a little longer than usual and sigh one big, long discontented sigh before I remembered that I was supposed to be finding joy.  Oh boy.
I know that I have hope.  And that I trust God.  And that I do believe He has an amazing plan that is unfolding right before my eyes and I just can't see it clearly.  I know that the best things in life... are the things that cost the most (not in terms of money), and the things you have to wait the longest for.

It is so weird being back in Montana and realizing that my heart... is just not here.
There is no sense of "belonging" or coming home.
I look at the people around me and think "....weird!".
Wow.  How did I not see the 'weirdness' before? haha....
It's okay though, to be coming back.  I am excited about seeing the people here.  Catching up with them.  And, I know this is where the Lord has me to be for right now, and so I know it is good.  I am sure I have no idea what He has in store for our time here.  Just like I had no idea how much I needed the training program.
I am thankful that no matter what is happening in my crazy life... I can always come back to realizing that I can trust Him.

"And I saw my Juliet come graceful down the stairs.

It's hard to miss,

The way her eyes light up the room,

And still the air."

" What shall I fear,

That there is anything that men hold dear,

Thou wouldst deprive me of,

And nothing give in place?"

"That is not so-

For I can see Thy face,

And hear Thee now:

'My child, I died for thee.

And if the gift of love and life

You took from me,

Shall I one precious thing withhold-

One beautiful and bright?

One pure and precious thing withhold?

My child, it cannot be' 

"

~Betty Stam/ Martyr in China

(A poem I wrote in my Bible a few years ago and have referred to many times)

Ouch.  Seems like everything hurts.
I am afraid..terrified...... yet trusting.
I hope... when things seem so impossible.
I believe.... when there seems to be no reason to.
I do what is right... when it's the last thing I want to do. And it's extremely difficult.
I refrain from taking things into my own hands, because I really do believe HIS ways are perfect.
I refrain from doing/saying what I want.... because I realize how selfish it is.
I look at myself and wonder.... who am I?  How is all this turmoil happening inside me?
I look to God and wonder what is His way.
I realize that there is nothing I can do but leave it with Him.  Trust Him.
Oh, to find that rest in Him.  To fully trust and say, "Thought He slay me, yet will I trust Him."
One thing I know:  Just because something is the right thing to do... doesn't make it any easier.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above...."

~ James 1:17

Wow.  The last week has been so crazy.
Leaving Bend was hard.  So sad to say goodbye to all those wonderful people.  So hard to say goodbye to John, but I am (*secretly*) hoping to go back.
Conference was such a strange mix of happiness/sadness. So much harder than I expected.  I am pretty sure I've never cried so much at a conference. But it was good to see everybody.  Really good.  It makes me terrified to think of going to Bangladesh.  I will miss everyone so much.  What a pathetic wreck I am.
One highlight of conference was what was shared on losing your first love for the Lord.  That is definitely something I have been seeing more and more in myself lately.  It's hard to know how to get back... or to move forward....  It's so discouraging to see how quickly I can lose my desire for HIM.  Even in the midst of *doing* all these things "for Him"... I lose my focus so easily.
We are staying in Missoula for a few days on our way to Wyoming.  I slept in until 11 o'clock this morning.  It felt SO good.  I really needed it.
I went for a long walk today and ran *one* mile... just to see how it would go on my foot.  Seems okay so far!  When things are stressful and difficult.... running just seems to help me so much.  So right now.  I NEED to run.
Being back in Montana/Wyoming I feel.... so far away.
I am realizing more and more that He gives the grace to get through today.  I don't know what tomorrow will look like, or a month, or a year down the road... but I only have today.  I am so thankful for that.  I start looking at the future and I become so fearful... anticipating what *might* go wrong.
Life goes on.  And I realize I am okay.