It's pretty frustrating that as my life goes on I keep finding myself coming back around to the same questions.
Lately things here have been rough.  Apparently that's just the way it is- and I can see the way it's wearing out my whole family.  We're all tired and on-edge.  It's kind of pathetic and embarrassing. Little things that shouldn't be that big of a deal and suddenly, after some stupid argument, I find myself saying to my mom, "I am going to go crazy!!"
So I started asking myself- Why am I here?  What am I supposed to be doing?  When I came it all seemed so clear and simple- I was coming to help/support my family.  Fail.  I'm just another mess on top of everyone else's!  I am a crumbling support wall at best.  It's hard to face the difficult days and at the end be wondering what the point of it all was and to wonder what the point of tomorrow will be.
I am frustrated because I expected to have some clear, definite purpose in my life way before now. Some 'calling' as everyone says- but I just don't.  It's pretty surprising to be on a foreign mission field and be asking, "Okay, what am I supposed to be doing again?"
I always feel so guilty.  Like everything about me is wrong.  I feel guilty because I know what I want- and doesn't seem all that "spiritual". I think part of me still believes that if isn't spiritual- it's wrong.
I am literally failing over here.  I envy those people who have such clear and definite callings that drive them everyday.  And in a way- I don't, because that would also be a very heavy burden.  I envy those who have such eternal perspective- who see a lost and dying world.  I have tried for years to see it like they do- and I just don't.  I am always wondering what is wrong with me.  What did I miss?  Or did I miss anything?  These thoughts trouble me- because I don't know.
I know what I want. But how do I know what God wants?  What am I supposed to be?  What does it really mean to be a disciple of Jesus?  Am I willing to truly forsake all?  And what does that look like in my life?
In one way I long to know the answers to these questions- but I am also very scared to know!
I sometimes think that I have formed an idea of God based on other people's experiences.
The thought sometimes occurs to me that maybe I don't really know God as I should.  Perhaps the questions about life and purpose and all the other things that trouble me aren't really the important things.
 I am always asking God for answers, but now I am asking Him to show me who He is.  I am confident that if I know who He is-  I will not be afraid of any answer He might give me.

"Lord, make me to know mine end,

and the measure of my days,

what it is;

that I may know how frail I am.

Behold, Thou has made my days as a hand breadth:

and mine age is nothing before Thee:

verily every man at his best state is altogether vanity."

"So teach us to number our days- that we may apply wisdom.."

                                                 

                                                   ~psalms  39:4-5/90:12

I have been a lucky girl lately.  All the coffee and chocolate and candy and cheese....  I think we all may be a little panicked about when it runs out already.  We're definitely rationing it. ;) Having these incredible, little things from home is so nice.  It's really refreshing.
Things have been rather quiet lately- pretty boring actually.  And I have been busy doing a lot of thinking.
There are days when living here seems truly pointless, and I'm really trying to understand the purpose in me being here.  I find myself switching in to "survival mode"- rather than really thriving here.  Most of the time I struggle with even being content to live here.  I don't want to live counting down the days until I can leave.  I want to live with purpose here- and so I'm asking God what that purpose is.
It seems like, at this point, reality is really settling in for all of us.  And we're all trying to work out being happy living here.  And, believe me- for many different reasons, that's a huge challenge!  Maybe being happy is not the important thing- but being content with where God has brought us and finding joy in Him, rather than our circumstances.  I find it more challenging to do that now than any other time in my life. It is a daily battle and there is no rest.
I suppose I could go into all the details of what makes it challenging- but I guess my endless complaining is pretty pointless and tiresome. :-/
We are now doing Bangla classes again, and it's nice to have something to fill our time during the day.  I was worried it would be difficult picking it back up after not having studied for a month, but it seems to be coming back fairly quickly.
The thing I am most thankful here are the hotels where you can go buy some coffee or a hamburger (!).  And, for the rooftop of the Sea Gull Hotel where you are actually truly alone.  It's the only place in this country that I've ever been where I was alone!  Those places, and all the things from home people sent,  keep me from going crazy...!

Wow. We have been SO busy lately.
I am eating a caramel-apple sucker as I type and-let me say- they were good before.  But now? Oh my gosh.  They're amazing. haha :)
Our trip to India was successful I guess you could say.  However- I guess you can't be a Burwell and travel anywhere without some  ridiculous thing happening.  So our van got a flat tire, we traveled 230 miles in a record time of 12 hours, and driving in Bangladesh is like facing near death every few minutes. We drove on the worst road I've ever been on.  I would've walked if I could.  We traveled through the night with very little sleep so when we finally got to the border we were all really, really crabby. Then we went through all through customs and immigration and paper work.  One guy even asked for a bribe...haha...  India was surprisingly very different from Bangladesh.  I was expecting it to be the same so close to the border.  So, it was cool.  It has been one of my life-long dream of going to India and I've realized... I should probably start dreaming bigger...haha..  Although I gotta say- our hotel was air conditioned and I had the first really good night of sleep I've had since I've been here.  And, I was SO hungy.  And, when I'm hungry-  I am like the most angry person ever.  After not eating for like 18 hours, I was starving.  And when we finally got to eat I ate probably more food then I've eaten since I've been here.  It was SO good.  On the way back to Bangladesh we realized that we had made the big mistake of not going to one office we were supposed to go to when we went in to India.  So they weren't very happy... :-/  Then we found out that Dad's India visa was expired and spent a few hours at that office working that out...  And then the long painful process of filling out all the paperwork and stuff getting back into Bangladesh.  Then we drove home all day.  And got home at like 10 or 11 at night.  It was a long painful trip.  It was strange getting back into Bangladesh and being like, "We're home!  Everything's more normal again!" haha...
Then Austin and Chandra got here yesterday.  We're all pretty excited to have new people around.. :)  And we had SO much fun opening the bags and seeing everything that was sent.  I literally laughed and cried and clapped my hands... and.. yeah.  It was AMAZING.  And the birthday gifts??  SO sweet.  We are all really excited.  It's funny the things that we are excited about... like dish towels and almond extract...haha...  And then of course the notes, and cards (:P)...  It was really like Christmas.  Someone sent Emily $20.  It was SO weird seeing American money!  I just stared and stared at it..haha... Oddly enough it made me really miss home and everything being familiar and normal and comfortable....
Then we've had all the weird everyday stuff.  I had tea 3 different times today we people... we were invited to a wedding... we went to church... all that good stuff. ;)
That seems like a very short rendition of the everything... but there ya have it. ;)

There are 2 constant battles here- the heat and the mosquitoes.  I'm telling you- these guys are evil.  You don't feel them when they're biting you, but then it  is like the most painful/itchy bug bite I've ever had!  And they can bite right through your clothes.  They are bad enough that last night one bit my toe and it was itching bad enough that it woke me up.  They come in and then they hide in your clothes and under your bed and stuff so you never see them coming. We don't have mosquito nets hung yet- gosh. everything is such a pain here!  So tonight I decided to just try laying some mosquito netting over my bed like a sheet...haha- we'll see how it goes.  If you're not kept awake by the heat- it's the mosquitoes... or people turning lights on and then leaving them on... :-/
We've been busy lately.  We've actually met up with about 6 or 7 Americans lately.  That's been really nice.  One good friend lives in Dhaka but she was able to come spend the night with us.  And she brought some great coffee with her. :)  Great time chatting with another girl.  We have no girlfriends here... :(  But- I've met a few potentials!
We met one girl tonight who is here volunteering for the UN.  She reminded me so much of my dear friend Leah.. made me miss her!  Plus- even weirder- she's from Seattle.  So I told her I'd spent some time in that area and had some really close friends near Seattle.  I mentioned Snohomish and she told me her mom actually works for the Snohomish school!  So crazy.  It really is a small world!
She got to hike up to the base camp of Mt.  Everest.  I want to go so bad.  She was telling us how muchlike the Northwest it is.  Aaaand... it's really not all that expensive to get to Nepal!  60 dollars... but- I would need a visa/backpacking equipment/hiking partner.  Ah well- it's in my head now to go someday now.
And we are making our first visa run to India. It's kind of funny- I've wanted to go to India as far back as I can remember.  And now I am- for one night!  But..you know... whatever... ;) It's like a 12 hour bus ride- and we're just basically crossing the border, staying one night and coming home.  It's gonna be pretty boring.  Trips here are so ridiculously slow! But it might be nice to just kick back, listen to music- do some reading...  get out of Cox's Bazaar!
We were gonna go a little later but apparently there's a really big political thing going on.  They are expecting it to be really dangerous- worse than the hartals.  And that starts on the 24th.  So we want to get back before then for sure. So we are leaving tomorrow night.
Aaaand lately- I really miss wearing American clothes. haha ;)

These day are strange- and busy- and confusing ones.
I find in myself a constant clashing.  A constant battle of trying to sort things out. Trying to put pieces of a vague future together so I can clearly see.  Trying to balance what desires are of God- and what are not. Trying to take all the hopes for the future and line them up and fit them together...
This is what I know-  I want God.  Life is rather pointless without Him.
And I know that I do not want to live a life that is all about myself.
And maybe that just comes down to living today seeking Him.  And living today about serving Him/others...

We finally got to go out for our birthday dinner tonight.  It was actually really nice.  I think we all felt like we were standing out even more all decked out in our saris- but we just tried to ignore that. ;)  And, surprisingly- the food was not rice, chicken curry and dhal! haha..  It was really good food, and we all had a nice time.
I am feeling much more... optimistic.. these last few days.  And really, really grateful and thankful for the much needed reminder that I am neither alone nor forgotten.  I am trying to remember that these days are just a season- there are the constant ups-and-downs, the constant struggles- but I want to appreciate/enjoy the time I do have here.... One of the most challenging thing is keeping things in the right focus... :-/

So..Suranjit invited us to come see a Hindu festival tonight- I don't really know what I was expecting, but, wow- let me just say.  It was shocking.  I guess I had bright colors and music- maybe dancing. Not so much!  We walked down to the festival.  It was neat- lots of people and vendors.  It was night time and they had lights strung up everywhere.  There were so many people- it was hard to get through the crowd.  Everyone was wearing really bright and beautiful clothes.  So Suranjit leads us through the crowd to this- I don't know how to describe it- like a structure they had made that looked like a cave.  On the inside they had hung birds and bats and snakes on the walls to make it look even more cave-like.  We could hear loud, pounding drums- people cramming their way through.  We walked through a dark tunnel into an opening.  Immediately it was extremely hot and there were so  many people crammed in there.  The lights were flashing and I was worried I was going to trip or run into someone.  Then sometimes the lights would stop and it would get extremely dark.  The music was so loud. The air was filled with smoke from the incense they were burning. Up front they had 4-5 idols some looked like slaughtered animals, some like men- all deformed and weird.  Krishna was there with the 6 arms.  Up front people were bowing and crying and pounding these drums.  I have read about things like that- but it is nothing to read about compared to actually seeing it.  The music was so eerie- wailing and evil sounding laughing.  Poor Isaac was so sacred.  It honestly scared me!  I have never seen anything that was so blatantly demonic. So dark.  It was so uncomfortable being there- but it was such a good reality check.  Watching those people worshiping a creepy statue that they made themselves- looking to it for some sort of salvation.  A false hope.  Watching them worship in a dark cave- I couldn't help but see the parallel of the darkness they are really in. The Hindus are so superstitious.   Oh my gosh. I don't think you can know until you've seen it.  It was so evil.  We went to another one similar to it.  One guy leaned over and screamed in my ear, "HAIL KRISHNA!"  It was just.. SO bizarre!  And really, really sad.  Seeing that, it's hard to believe anybody could really believe it.
It was amazing to see the stark contrast between the grace and truth and light of Jesus and the darkness of Hinduism...  One guy spoke English well enough that dad was able to share the gospel with him- I was really glad for that.
 And that has been the adventure for the day! :-/

It's actually, well, pretty embarrassing to admit but, my birthday still means a lot to me.  I tell myself- you're 23 now- get over it!  But, in reality- I'm actually thinking, "..but it's my birthday!" haha... It is so pathetic and I know it.
It's funny thinking back to a year ago.  It doesn't seem that long ago and I can still remember everything I was feeling a year ago today.  It was- uh- a pretty rough day for me actually. ;)
It's pretty interesting to see how a year has gone- where it has taken you.  So much can happen/change....
Today we were invited to go on a field trip with a school on the first floor of our apartment building.  It was pretty interesting. We basically ate a lot of snacks, got on a bus, drove a few miles out of town to a different beach, walked to the beach, walked back, ate more snacks, loaded up again and drove back.  haha... interesting field trip.  It was fun hanging out with the kiddos though.
Mom and Dad and I went and had coffee tonight and Emily baked a cake. Isaac made me a super sweet card that had a picture of a cat walking through flowers.  It is adorable.  He also gave me his stuffed dog. :)
We had sari blouses made, which we got back today.  Mine is way too big.  That's a bummer. :-/  But we're gonna get all dressed up in our saris and go out for dinner on the 12th.  That should be fun. :)
I found the perfect pair of earrings today to go with my sari.  They were $17- ridiculous.  It's like inevitable that I'm gonna like the most expensive stuff...  I liked the $100 sari... the $17 earrings... haha... I'm just glad we're not buying new shoes! ;)
And now the powers out so I'm sitting in the dark, extremely hot, with bugs hitting me in the face as I write this.... Welcome to Bangladesh! ;)

Oldie- but a goodie :)

Feeling sick again today. :-/ It's not very fun. I am so tired!  Mom and Emily went to the local coffee shop today- I decided it was too much work to get dressed and walk down the stairs.. 

I've got to get over this- whatever it is- depression, discouragement- whatever you wanna call it.  I know I'm not here to lay around and cry and feel sorry for myself!  I keep telling myself to get up, to keep going- but I feel really tired.  I don't feel like I have anything to give.  Physically- I feel too tired to walk down the stairs.  Emotionally- I feel too tired to go visit the neighbor.  I'm trying to get over it.

I feel like I'm begging for people to notice- I guess I'm trying to see who even cares/notices if I'm hurting.  I don't ever suggest doing that- because you may be in for a big surprise.  It's stupid and immature and selfish of me I admit. :-/  I am discouraged by my own neediness and weakness....

I was basically told today to get over it- that everyone's going through a hard time.  I know that's true.  I know that if I would stop looking at myself and focusing on my wants and needs I could see the needs of the people right in front of me.

Sometimes there's nothing more comforting that knowing His strength is perfected in my weakness...

I am realizing that I use blogging as a total way to vent- so I do apologize for that. ;)

Today- and yesterday- have just beyond sucked.  I admit though, that today- I basically did nothing but sit around and cry.. 

There have been rough days, really rough days- but today I just feel like I cannot handle this.  It's just too much for me and even as I realize/say it- I know I am beyond pathetic, which only frustrates me more... 

Today, if there had been any way to go home- I would have been so tempted.

Sometimes I really question the purpose of me being here.

And basically I just feel so incredibly tired of being alone.  

Feeling... so empty.

... I can't ever sleep these days.  It's so frustrating.  It may have something to do with the annoying mosquitoes, not feeling well and all the worries/troubles that seem to pop into my head at night.  And so I just lay there thinking...and thinking... and thinking...
My pathetic-ness/neediness all torments me at night...
Sometimes there's just nothing like being busy all day to keep you distracted...

This morning Hannah and I were standing in our room talking, when all of the sudden we heard the most pathetic sound.  It sounded something like a woman whimpering.  We stopped and ran outside onto the veranda to see what was going on.  Oh.  It was so sad-  We saw a man, maybe in his late twenties?  surrounded by a group of maybe 20 people.  He seemed somewhat dazed- it was really confusing.  They had a rake which they were beating him in the back with.  He would stand up and another man would come behind him and start punching him. Then they would hit him with the rake again... Children would run up and kick him.  Men would kick him.  It was really awful to see. One of the worst things I've ever seen. It literally made me cry.  It was disturbing to see the apparent delight everyone was having in it-  even small children.
I was so thankful to see Dad had gone down.  They told him that he was being beaten because he had stolen a rake (which they were beating him with).  So, dad told them they had beaten him enough.  Even as Dad helped him up and they were walking away a man kicked him in the back and another child kicked him.  The man was absolutely filthy- extremely thin.  He had an open gash on his hand that was very swollen and infected- something that happened before today.  His lip was gashed open and bleeding.  He had patches of skin on his face which almost looked like they were rotting off.  Dad was able to help clean him up a little bit and we were able to give him some food and water.  Anytime we're outside people gather- but especially when there's something unusual to see- like Americans helping a dirty heroine addict who had just been beaten for stealing.  It was very, very sad. It was a really bizarre way to start the day. ;)  But, one Bengali man- a teacher at the school downstairs- who we have been talking to a little bit lately, seem to have a lot of compassion.  He's very supportive of us helpitng the little boy who is so abused in the street.  When someone told him that this man was a thief he said, "Yes... but aren't we all thieves?"  It's really nice to see such compassion.  And the entire experience was a huge reminder of the wretched and miserable place God finds us in - and yet He continues to show us such love and mercy and compassion. Even is we deserve to suffer for what we have done wrong.
We also went shopping for saris tonight.  Shopping here is- crazy.  Suranjit always comes with us and helps us get the best prices/communicate with the shopkeepers.   Shopping is pretty bad for me cause I usually tend to have an idea of exactly what I want and when I finally find it- it's waaayyy to expensive.  As in this case where it was a sari that cost $100.  Haha... it's hard having expensive taste and no money. ;)  I found one I like though for like 20-25 dollars.  So it's all good.  We are going to go out for Hannah and I's birthdays and all of us girls were able to buy a sari.  So, yeah- it's gonna be fun. :)

For some reason I randomly woke up at 5 this morning.  I haven't been sleeping very well lately.  It is so beautiful and peaceful here this early.  Here in Bangladesh everybody gets up lat (maybe 9 or 10), and goes to bed late (maybe 1-2 am).  So late into the night we hear kids playing in the street and people talking...but the early mornings are so quiet.  And even a little cool outside.  I'm thinking maybe I should get up this early more often. ;)
I cannot believe it is October already- I'm shocked how fast this time has gone by. Winter comes here in November-January and they keep telling us how cold it will be.  I cannot wait. :)
I'm really seeking the Lord lately about the future/how long I will be here/ what's next.  I don't know that He's ever just given me the full picture of everything beforehand- but I really wish I had some picture. Originally I had a year in mind for whatever reason.  But I just don't really know.  In light of the work here, and the extremely difficult language- a year seem like nothing.  In light of everything else- a year seems like a really long time.  I feel very torn between two worlds.  When I think about leaving this place- I don't want to leave.  I love this place and I always want to be a part of it.  But when I think about staying- I don't want to stay.   It's difficult and isolated and lonely.  I miss home- I miss life, and normalcy, and people back in the states. I guess it comes down to living in today- being content in today- and serving Jesus right where He has me.  Still- I wish I knew.
The hardest thing about being here is feeling so alone, isolated, forgotten and unimportant.  It's humbling to see just how little you really matter in people's lives.  It's painful to see that people can get along just fine without you.  Everyone's lives go on- it doesn't matter if you're involved or not.  This was one of the biggest reasons I did not want to come here.  I even had literal nightmares about it... and now that it's here, yeah- it pretty much sucks.  I'm kinda feeling a huge loss lately.  There have been a few friends/relationships I never thought I'd lose- or that things would never change.  And now, they've either changed or they're gone completely.  And I get it- it's super challenging to keep up with people in the busy-ness of everyday life, things change, unforeseen things happen, internet is faulty, there are time changes, distances- that's life.  I myself am terrible at keeping up with people, so a lot of the losses I blame on myself.  All that being said-  I feel very much alone.  Very forgotten.  Very insignificant in the big scheme of things.  And I guess it was my pride that expected anything else.  It is a hard lesson to learn though.
Part of the alone-ness is that, there's so much here- everything is different and new.  Everyday is filled with unusual circumstances, different people, different clothes, different food.  Everything is different.  It's so daunting trying to share what life is like here with people who cannot really grasp it because they've never experienced it.  There are literally only 7 people who understand/relate to my life here!  So sometimes even talking to people- I don't even know what to say.
I suppose I'm feeling too sorry for myself- but, just being honest- these are the things that are the most difficult here. I have to remind myself that, with the Lord- I am never truly alone. Never forgotten. Never forsaken.  And that He not only understands, but shares in every burden, every tear, every sorrow....
On a happier note- today we are going to go buy saris for Hannah and I's upcoming birthdays.  I am pretty excited about that.  Also, this morning we were asked to come share some songs with a school.  There's literally a school on the ground level of our apartment building (weird?).  I'm not so excited about that- but hey, it should be interesting. ;)