Well I have to say I've been a pretty miserable person today. I knew my attitude was bad, and that it was wrong- but I chose to feel sorry for myself all day. And I carried around a lot of jealousy, envy, discontentment and bitterness in my heart all day. I knew it was wrong, but I just decided I would deal with it later. ;)

So now that I've had my little pity party (haha), I suppose it's time for it to stop.  Because really- what my attitude is clearly stating is that I don't trust God, I don't believe His plans for me are good, I am saying I don't believe He has the best for me. Something good and wonderful.

I've been complaining in my head all day, "God why is it so hard for me? You make it so easy for some people! Everything in their life is perfect! They know nothing of the hurt, the ache, the confusion, the struggle I've been through! Why do they get all the good stuff?! What about me?"

I am struggling to believe. I know in my head that my seemingly great trials are comparatively nothing. It's hardest to trust Gods plan, when everything looks messed up. When it seems impossible to make something beautiful out of all the mess and confusion. When it seems like you can't really see Him doing much at all...

It is hard. It does hurt. Sometimes I have the greatest urge to just go for a long run and cry. Because its scary- and I don't understand.

That's the truth about me. 

But my thinking is not true.

I am reminding myself tonight that I can trust Him-that everything will be good-that He is working-that He knows best-that He loves me.

It is easy to believe that when things are going your way. It's much more difficult when they are not.

I guess I basically have a choice to make- do I believe what God has said or don't I...?